Long Distance Issues.....Possible WAW

[LRT Land]

Puppy is right. This is not the kind of lawyer you want or need. Keep going to free consultations until you find one that is a good fit. It's very important that you have a lawyer who gives you confidence through the process of unraveling a business partnership - which is the way you need to think about it.

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks Puppy/LRT. Its just hard to get them to answer. I have called muliple, left messages, and emailed probaby a dozen of them already. Remember, I am overseas, I can't just drop in and make them talk to me.

You have motivated me, though, I am going to continue to call and email until someone gets the hint. What I am confused about though, is what can I contest? Believe, me I wish there was something that I could, but she doesn't want anything. She is not going to give me full custody of the kids, and I couldn't do that to her even if I wanted to.

I guess I just feel like she has all of the power and I do not have any, other than time. Time is the only thing that I have on my side. I could drag my feet on this, but I am worried about the consequences. I am going to wait until her meeting today with a lawyer and see what she has to say. Her tune could change dramatically. I almost wish it would, so that I would having something to fight for.

I feel myself giving up, and I do not want to. Just like anyone here, you can only fool yourself for so long. Eventually it sinks in that you are not in control of your sitch, you are only in control of yourself. I can not give her anymore space than what she has. I can only wait so long until it will become my decision to agree with this nonsense, or tell her that I am not going to make any decision until I get home.

At that point I would have to start playing hard ball, and be prepared to not see/talk to my kids for extended periods of time. I would have to lock down all finances, make her scan and email me any bills so that I could pay them, and let her know what life is going to be like on her own. What kind of an option is that? Then I would pretty much be saying, yes, go ahead and hate me, and try to take my kids away.

These games of real life poker suck. I do not know if I am cut out for it. There is going to be a fork in the road in my near future, and I am going to have to make a decision. Hopefully it will be the right one. I just wish I could be home when it came.

D&C

[Puppy Dog Tails]

These games of real life poker suck. I do not know if I am cut out for it.

Then you'd better bone up on it, REAL QUICK. Or prepare to regret it (that you rolled over) for the rest of your life.

Or, there is a third option. You can hope that your wife, out of the goodness of her wayward little fogged-out heart, in consultation with her attorney who does this for a living, just GIVES you a fair offer.

Personally, I don't like your odds. And guess what: they're your odds whether you decide to ante up and play the hand or not, cuz they'll PLAY IT FOR YOU, if you don't.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I guess I just feel like she has all of the power and I do not have any, other than time.

You're not going by your feelings anymore, remember?

You have these feelings because YOU LACK KNOWLEDGE. Knowledge from a good consult with a GOOD attorney . . . self-knowledge & research . . . good intel. You have none of these, and so you're being flayed around by your feelings and your emotions.


Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:

Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.

Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.

If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.

You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[Dazed&Confused]

Puppy, you are right again. The fear I have right now is a direct result of lack of knowledge. I will keep on trying to get consults, and hopefully I find that lawyer that can help me.

I really have no other choice. At this point, we only have the child support amount to figure out. That is what I am in the dark the most. I told her that i would do the parenting plan and then she could review it for anything that needs to be changed. Her lawyer put a figure in her head about child support that is going to make things extremely difficult for me. She said that her jaw hit the floor when she heard it. It was 300 more than the highest number I have seen on any calculator, and I know for a fact that it was taking joint physical custody into account.

I mentioned these to her, and she said that she knew that I couldn't afford that, and that is why we need to come up with a number between the two of us. I told her that I would love to, but I didn't know what was fair. I didn't want to short change you or screw myself over in the process.

I will find my answer one way or another, it is just going to take some time, and I think she is getting impatient. Not that it bothers me in the least, but I do not want to start fighting about the kids. That is one area that we haven't really fought about, so we will see. It may only just be matter of time before that happens. Who knows.

But back to me. I have stopped hanging by threads waiting for those proverbial bread crumbs to be tossed out for me. I am also learning valuable lessons of expectations. All of these talks with the wife about divorce has slowly but surely driven the point home that I have to take care of myself first.

I have new goal coming out of this. I want to be the best Dad I can be for my two kids. I know its a big one, but it will keep me focused. The first step in that process will be keeping my mind right, and staying positive. Not about the marriage, but about myself. If I can stay happy and strong through out a divorce from 8000 miles away, I can do anything!

The next thing part of this plan is start asking myself one question before I make any decision. "Is this what is best for myself and my kids". I think this will help me take some of the focus off of my "feelings" What do you think Puppy?

I know I wandered off topic, back on, and then to another. I am kind of scattered brained right now. Well, I am going to get another list of lawyers to call and see if I have any luck today.

Thanks again for the input. I need wakeup calls, just like anyone else. Oh, and if my fogged induced wayward does offer me a great deal, I think I am ready to take it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I told her that I would love to, but I didn't know what was fair. I didn't want to short change you or screw myself over in the process.

I will find my answer one way or another, it is just going to take some time, and I think she is getting impatient. Not that it bothers me in the least, but I do not want to start fighting about the kids. That is one area that we haven't really fought about, so we will see. It may only just be matter of time before that happens. Who knows.

But back to me. I have stopped hanging by threads waiting for those proverbial bread crumbs to be tossed out for me. I am also learning valuable lessons of expectations. All of these talks with the wife about divorce has slowly but surely driven the point home that I have to take care of myself first.

I have new goal coming out of this. I want to be the best Dad I can be for my two kids. I know its a big one, but it will keep me focused. The first step in that process will be keeping my mind right, and staying positive. Not about the marriage, but about myself. If I can stay happy and strong through out a divorce from 8000 miles away, I can do anything!

The next thing part of this plan is start asking myself one question before I make any decision. "Is this what is best for myself and my kids". I think this will help me take some of the focus off of my "feelings" What do you think Puppy?

I know I wandered off topic . . .

Wandered?? G8, that's just about the healthiest, strongest, most sensible set of thoughts I've seen you post yet!!

YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, SOLDIER!!

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks Puppy. It sure doesn't feel like I am on the right track. The wife and I are in the middle of trying figure out a child support figure that we both can live with.

So sat down and got to work on a spreadsheet outlining the monthly bills. I listed everything out and removed them from what my normal bring home is for the month. I asked her to look it over and let me know if I left anything out.

The point of this was to show her what I was going to have to work with after I paid the "normal" bills. So we could look at things rationally.

So she responded with a bill I left out, and how I could save money here or save money there. Then she went on to say it was hard for her to be able to throw a number out there without knowing when I was coming back. Now get this, the deployment is a temporary assignment for year. When I am done, I will hopefully going back to my old job making my base salary. So what does me staying or going home have anything to do with us figuring out what my child support payments are going to be?

That is pretty much what I told her. As nice and considerately as I could, I reminded her of this fact. That once I come home, it is no secret how much money I will be making. She said that she couldn't decide because she didn't know how much money I was going to be making or how much I had saved up. It has no freaking bearing on this discussion. She left me barely a month into this assignement.

So I guess , does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach this. I know its a little late because I already emailed her back, but I have a feeling that we will be volleying this back and forth. Is there a way that we can agree on the joint physical custody and then go to a mediator or judge for a child support ruling? I do not know if that would be better for me or not, but I have been reading a lot that says it might be.

Thanks again, and I will check back soon.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The CS should just be a basic formula in your state, D&C. It's non-negotiable, and other than how some jurisdictions "count" the physical custody days, there's really no wavering or discrepancy in it.

As I told you previously, your wife really wants to know when you're coming back because she doesn't want to have to look over her shoulder. It's not your job to reassure her guilty feelings.

Puppy

[Dazed&Confused]

You see Puppy, that is where I am confused. I have read that for unconstested divorces in GA, the parties need to agree to the child support amount, parenting plan, ect. in order for it to go through.

If an agreement can't be made, then it goes to mediation. If that does't work, then it goes in front of a judge. We are trying to avoid the mediation/judge, so we are trying to work it out together. To complicate things, GA removed the parenting time deviation from their formula. You now have to agree or it goes in front of a judge. I finally found an accounting place that has a calculator that will predict the parenting time adjustment, so that is good. I will have to see what the wife thinks of it. The further this goes along, the more I am not seeing an easy divorce in my future.

I know, talk to a lawyer. I am trying. It is not easy from over here. I have called and emailed more than I would care to admit.

I think you are right about the wife not wanting to look over her shoulder. That is quite depressing, but I know that she is not the woman i used to know. She even gave me a "deadline" of Wednesday to decide on her lawyer or the one I called. I told her that I am not the one in a hurry, and I need to make sure that the decisons I make are sound for me and the kids. That these decsions will last for a long time.

Well, that is all that I have right now on my front. She hasn't responded since I sent my last email, so we shall see.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh, ok -- gotcha.

Do NOT respond to her artificial deadlines! Your response was perfect.

Puppy