W ended contact with OM late April 08. Told me she'd "give me" until our youngest graduated from H.S. (this past June), but it would be a LONG time before she'd even talk to me. And she kept to that word.
Finally started talking to me Mid June. Went on a weekend trip, just us in late June. Went to Disney World as a family in early August. Went on another weekend trip in Mid Sept, just me and her. On this trip we got into a R talk and she said she still couldn't even tell me IF she wanted to try to make our marriage work.
Went to Disney World, just me and her, in Oct, where we ML for the first time in over a year. Major pullback after that. Came back and she returned to the couch where she'd been for a year and a half. Another weekend away in Mid Nov where she wouldn't even hold my hand. That Christmas she moved back into the martial bed. That January we ML again on a trip out of town. I think it was about this point where I finally felt she wanted to make the marriage work, but she was still a mess emotionally. Three steps forward, two back. Lather, rinse, repeat.
That April, I finally saw her begin to change on a consistent basis.
It was another 4-5 months before she told me she loved me and didn't know what she was thinking. Yeah, if you're doing the math, that was 16 months after the A ended.
Ok, long post without answering your question. If your H was in an EA, he very well could have thought he was just waiting until he could leave you for her. Now that the A is over, it'll take a while before he has a clue what he wants. I've read that WD takes as long as the A lasted and in my case that was true. And until WD is over, you might as well not expect ANYTHING from him, a commitment least of all.
When you're where you are, there's not much you can do to make him want to work on the marriage. But there's a whole lot you can do to make him NOT want to work on the marriage. Don't pressure him. Pressuring him won't get him to commit but it may make him flee. He's got a whole bunch of chit to work thru and the more you give him good thoughts about your relationship, the sooner he'll come around.
Funny thing. My W said to me a couple weeks ago that she always loved me and she NEVER intended to leave me for OM. I said, "what about those D papers you wanted me to fill out"? and she just looked at me. Like I said in my post above, they really are in a F'd up place. Heck, my W still gets foggy sometimes and the A has been over for two years, so don't worry about the blame shifting.
Patience. It's a marathon, not a sprint. If your R is improving, give it time. If the EA is truly over and there is NO CONTACT, you've got a shot. GAL yourself and invite him to do things with you. If he declines, do them anyway. Draw him in, little by little. If you're living together, let him catch you naked or in your undies and as soon as he sees you, put a towel around yourself. Tease him, slowly, very slowly. You might not think he's noticing, but he is. But don't EXPECT ANYTHING until he's ready. I found out recently that my W kept a whole bunch of little notes I'd leave on her purse before I left for work in the mornings. Just little things like "hope you have a good day", stuff like that. But lay off the "I love you's" He knows it and if you say it repeatedly, it's PRESSURE and that pressure is bad for where you are right now.
Make sense?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
