Yup... this isn't beyond dbing per se, but he has to find enough maturity to work with you on all of this.. dbing won't fix his personal issues, but it can get him hopeful enough to try...
every ic i've spoken to, has said a lot of the issues lie with my h. but he has to want to fix it. i'm not sure where he is at.
like i said, he went to ic to work on his issues and he was told to read db by mwd and tuesdays with morrie. whether he read those books, i don't know. why would an ic tell him to read db when he was asking for a d? it just baffles me.
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Sometimes dbing works, sometimes it doens't... even when it doens't dbing is the healthiest thing for YOU to be doing anyways.. its a great strategy.. it builds YOU UP while motivating yoru partner to follow along...
my main thread is over in separated. and i have documented from the day i came on this board to now, what i was going through. the ups and downs. the resistance and finally, the submission to the vets advice. i have worked on me. and i found myself saying that i didn't make changes to me. i brought out the real me. the me who is fun, happy, and outgoing girl who everyone knew and loved. i try not to concern myself too much whether anybody notices my changes. i just focus on me and what i am doing to bring out the best in me.
i have noticed that people are attracted to me. i get asked out, i get asked to play squash by guys, and even on this board, i get complimented all the time for who i am. i have come a long way but there is still much work to be done.
how is that motivating him to look at himself? his parents are still in the picture. they will be until they die. but he has said to me that i didn't understand the bond between him and his parents. and the thing is, i do. i have parents too. and when they pass, i will be sad. but right now, while they are alive, i'm showing them that they raised a wonderful child. one who is smart, mature, well-rounded, and a good girl. my behaviour is a reflection of their parenting skills.
during my separation time, i actually gained a lot of self-awareness and maturity. my mom sees it in me. i credit this forum for much of my changes but i also credit my parents for their parenting skills.
they taught me a lot about the importance of people vs. things. they taught me how you should listen to your critics, they are the ones who really care. they also told me that money can't buy you love, tenderness, and health. it doesn't matter if he takes everything, as long as he doesn't shred your health, it's going to be okay.
i have kept a levelheaded perspective. fought only for what i believed in or wanted, and left everything to him. if he wanted everything in the house, then he was more than welcome to take it. i knew that material things weren't going to soothe the hurt that i was feeling. the way his parents treated me when we parted ways really hurt. and it showed their immaturity. i have no doubts that they may be encouraging h to have an affair as a way to hurt me. but that would be gambling with their son's health (ie. STDs). are they aware of that or are they just too focused on getting at me?
allen a, you are the only one who asked about any history of infidelity, etc. you asked me a lot of good questions. gave me a straight answer. you didn't tell me that i had my head in the sand and that my h was likely to be engaged in a PA/EA.
thanks for not ramming that gospel down my throat. not that you said what i wanted to hear, but i am glad that you are able to see it from a different side and not just the "he's having an affair" side.
