For me, it's not about DBing "fixing" H but DBing causing H to want to fix himself, if that makes sense.
And no - I wouldn't think think you should have to pay for H's father's mistake if H doesn't want to be your partner in life anymore. I don't know how the courts view that stuff though.
For me, it's not about DBing "fixing" H but DBing causing H to want to fix himself, if that makes sense.
yes, it does. you can't change someone. but it can motivate them to make the changes for him/herself.
i'd feel sad if he made changes and someone else ends up spending the rest of their lives with the new him.
the courts view it as any debt acquired during marriage is yours to share. just like wealth. had he made money instead of lose it, i would be entitled. so you can't just have the good and not the bad.
allen_a .. on the responsibility part. lack of responsibility runs in the family. his father lost his son's money but does not feel responsible for it. he chalks it up to "our family just can never catch a break".
Yup... this isn't beyond dbing per se, but he has to find enough maturity to work with you on all of this.. dbing won't fix his personal issues, but it can get him hopeful enough to try...
Sometimes dbing works, sometimes it doens't... even when it doens't dbing is the healthiest thing for YOU to be doing anyways.. its a great strategy.. it builds YOU UP while motivating yoru partner to follow along...
Even if they dont, you get build up and can move on
Yup... this isn't beyond dbing per se, but he has to find enough maturity to work with you on all of this.. dbing won't fix his personal issues, but it can get him hopeful enough to try...
every ic i've spoken to, has said a lot of the issues lie with my h. but he has to want to fix it. i'm not sure where he is at.
like i said, he went to ic to work on his issues and he was told to read db by mwd and tuesdays with morrie. whether he read those books, i don't know. why would an ic tell him to read db when he was asking for a d? it just baffles me.
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Sometimes dbing works, sometimes it doens't... even when it doens't dbing is the healthiest thing for YOU to be doing anyways.. its a great strategy.. it builds YOU UP while motivating yoru partner to follow along...
my main thread is over in separated. and i have documented from the day i came on this board to now, what i was going through. the ups and downs. the resistance and finally, the submission to the vets advice. i have worked on me. and i found myself saying that i didn't make changes to me. i brought out the real me. the me who is fun, happy, and outgoing girl who everyone knew and loved. i try not to concern myself too much whether anybody notices my changes. i just focus on me and what i am doing to bring out the best in me.
i have noticed that people are attracted to me. i get asked out, i get asked to play squash by guys, and even on this board, i get complimented all the time for who i am. i have come a long way but there is still much work to be done.
how is that motivating him to look at himself? his parents are still in the picture. they will be until they die. but he has said to me that i didn't understand the bond between him and his parents. and the thing is, i do. i have parents too. and when they pass, i will be sad. but right now, while they are alive, i'm showing them that they raised a wonderful child. one who is smart, mature, well-rounded, and a good girl. my behaviour is a reflection of their parenting skills.
during my separation time, i actually gained a lot of self-awareness and maturity. my mom sees it in me. i credit this forum for much of my changes but i also credit my parents for their parenting skills.
they taught me a lot about the importance of people vs. things. they taught me how you should listen to your critics, they are the ones who really care. they also told me that money can't buy you love, tenderness, and health. it doesn't matter if he takes everything, as long as he doesn't shred your health, it's going to be okay.
i have kept a levelheaded perspective. fought only for what i believed in or wanted, and left everything to him. if he wanted everything in the house, then he was more than welcome to take it. i knew that material things weren't going to soothe the hurt that i was feeling. the way his parents treated me when we parted ways really hurt. and it showed their immaturity. i have no doubts that they may be encouraging h to have an affair as a way to hurt me. but that would be gambling with their son's health (ie. STDs). are they aware of that or are they just too focused on getting at me?
allen a, you are the only one who asked about any history of infidelity, etc. you asked me a lot of good questions. gave me a straight answer. you didn't tell me that i had my head in the sand and that my h was likely to be engaged in a PA/EA.
thanks for not ramming that gospel down my throat. not that you said what i wanted to hear, but i am glad that you are able to see it from a different side and not just the "he's having an affair" side.
Infidelity is largely genetic... if its in the spouse's history there's a good chance you will have to deal with it yourself at some point... apples truly don't fall far from their trees
If your H has heard of divorcebusting be VERY careful what you post here... It can't be deleted and he may find your thread... I have seen it happen about half a dozen times on this forum...
It wasn't in their family history as far as I know. I am aware that he could be reading this so whatever I posted is nothing I would hide from him. Sometimes my rants are direct to him in case he is reading.
If anything this place has given me a voice. There are things I have kept private for the reason he may be lurking. The vets who have helped me are aware that he may be lurking.
I may not have conclusive evidence now but I believe that when I do have solid evidence, it will be too late. I am sure I will have more questions later. But I understand that my h is acting immature. And that his parents are enabling this behaviour.
Your H is giong to be miserable for the rest of his life until he deals with his issues... They are his and they will travel with him whomever he chooses to live with... He will learn when he is too old and too alone what a mess he's made of his life... And how many warnings he got along the way he chose to ignore...
He can avoid a wasted life like that and enjoy something substantial if he just finds the courage to man-up and own who he is and what he does both good and bad... and negotiate rather than buckle or run...
There IS a middle-ground in life between escape and surrender and that is where happiness truly lives...
And how many warnings he got along the way he chose to ignore...
i tried. i often saw the big picture and i helped him see the big picture. when he dropped the d-bomb, the decision was completely his. i tried to warn him about the financial, mental, and emotional toll. he didn't listen. i guess he was one of those WAS who thought that signing on the dotted line would free him from this hurt. he also thought he could get away with the bulk of our assets. usually a WAS just wants out. my WAS wanted out and he wanted the kitchen sink too!
when you asked me about how they handle conflict or set backs. here's another example. his mother has an anxiety disorder. they have chose to tolerate/work around it rather than confront the issue and get her help. confronting her would hurt her feelings and she would cry. they would rather keep the peace and instead of doing what's right. and i think that is what happened between my h and i. it got to the point where her idiosyncrasies were overstepping her boundaries in our lives. i wanted to put a stop to it. it would make her cry and then i would be the bad guy because i wasn't working around it to keep the peace.
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He can avoid a wasted life like that and enjoy something substantial if he just finds the courage to man-up and own who he is and what he does both good and bad... and negotiate rather than buckle or run...
it's funny. in my ic sessions, all i wanted was for my h to man up. he hurt me really bad but telling me that he did not have confidence that i could handle motherhood. when i told him how much it hurt me, he didn't understand why. he said he stood by his comment and that it had to be said. i couldn't believe my ears. later, i figured out that it was projection and that he wasn't sure if he was ready but didn't want to admit it. and so all i kept thinking was if that's how he felt, he should have just man-up and admit it. take some responsibility instead of deflecting it on to me.
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There IS a middle-ground in life between escape and surrender and that is where happiness truly lives...
i wish there was a way he'd know. i don't think he ever will until his parents pass and he hits rock bottom. i know his issues are his. doesn't matter what i say. i will fall on deaf ears. he has to find out himself. so in the mean time, i work on me.
don't get me wrong. i am not perfect. i had my issues too. i'm working on them. i mind read too much, i am far too competitive (but i don't keep score), and i have intimacy issues.
I think you should read SunnyD's thread... Her H wants to move out and there's no indication that he's cheating on her at all.. He's miserable and doenst' want to work on the marriage at all...
i've been following sunnyd's thread a bit. i can see the parallels. my h doesn't want to work on the m and he's miserable. but i have no children which makes it easy for people to tell me to give up.
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She's trying to turn him around...
i'm listening ....
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From what I have read conflicts over finances is the most common reason for divorce, not infidelity
hmm .. i thought it was infidelity. finances were somewhat of an issue between the two of us. i was the saver and he was the spender. but we were not in any financial trouble.
he used to joke about me saving and he called my savings the "waw fund".
it was probably the smartest thing i did because it turned out that it was a "in case the h dumps me fund".
the only reason why i survived the entire ordeal without any trouble is due to this emergency fund that i had saved up.
h thought i wouldn't be able to survive without his paycheck. i'm just fine. i made other sacrifices but i don't need excess.
I read an interesting article called "financial infideilty" and it attempted to draw comparisons to sexual and romantic infidelity. They key point was commitment to financial disclosure (no secrets), risky choices are agreed on as a couple (large expenditures and visits to membes of opposite sex), etc... There was a lot to draw on I was shocked :'
