You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Well, that sucked. I got to pony camp in plenty of time and stood off to the side to get a good angle for pictures. STBXW got there at the last second and came and stood right next to me.

So we watched the pony show together, which I'm sure made D8 happy.

But I got the same familiar feeling -- my stomach clenched, my heart raced, my mind whirled.

D8 did great and she grabbed my camera after and took a picture of me. We headed inside where D8 got the "Little Miss Sunshine" award.

STBXW asked me if I wanted D11's suitcase for the family campground now or if she wanted me to drop it off tonight. I said "I'll take it now." I don't want her coming by tonight.

But it meant I had to wait and go to the giftshop together. STBXW glanced my way but I just kept fiddling with my camera or looking at D8.

Part of this is an act. My own 180. I spent most of last year following the DB rules of being "up" whenever I was around her and looking for opportunities to talk.

That didn't work. She filed for divorce anyway and after the first mediation session she told me all I do is talk, talk, talk, I never listen.

So now I never talk when she's around. She no longer needs to know what I'm thinking.

The other part is still just hurt, anger, pain.

After I was thinking about Monday's trip to the campground. It may be the last time I ever step foot in the place. It's STBXW's childhood. I always just kind of tolerated the place. The girls want me to go because there childhood was ME there swimming with them while STBXW and the MIL sat on the beach or at the trailer.

So for them I'll make it a great day.

I know I have to forgive and I know I have to do better because it robs the girls a little bit of their happiness. I'm just not there yet. What's the saying. You let go of the old life when the new life is better. I'm just not there yet.