I have been getting the cold treatment again from the W, despite doing everyting I can to ease the load of caring for twin 2 year old boys.
When she needs me to do something she has no problem telling me what she needs me to do, but when it comes to being pleasant and friendly and caring? I get it in an eyedropper.
She said she wanted to come to my next T session and so I texted her a time and day hours ago and still got no reply.
But here's a scenario that took place that I need to bounce off of whomever is reading.
Last week we were invited to my sister's service where her and her H renewed their wedding vows. They invited the wedding party, which my W and I were apart of. My W wants nothing to do with being around my family and she hasn't had any contact with them in over 5 months. When I had invited her to functions she always declined. So this time I didn't even invite her -- I just told here where I had to go and when I would be home. Also, the next day I had made an eBay purchase and I know she got the email from PayPal stating I made a $300+ transfer from our checking acct. I think she read that and got really upset (here he goes again spending money wildly!!) and that's when she wanted to come to my next session.
But over the weekend I completed some eBay sales that totaled more than $900, which I told her I was transfering into our account. She said, "How did you make $900?" I explained and she said nothing. She wasn't even happy that I made the extra cash. She was emotionless.
I wonder if all of these little events are connected.
We were talking about taking our kids away for a day to Sesame Place with her sister, husband and their kids. It's expensive. And that's when I told her that I had contributed to the vacation fund by making $930.
Part of me feels like she wants to hate me, and then feels guilty. Now I am not sure she is going to come to my T session. I don't really know her initial motivation and her silence tells me she's not sure she wants to go now.
I want to provide a snapshot of a day in this life of us from this past weekend. It's very much a typical weekend day.
7AM: Kids wake up. Mom and dad each tend to one son. Mom prepares breakfast, dad sits with or plays with kids. 8-8:30: After eating mom cleans up breakfast, gets kids dressed.
9AM: Dad (alone) takes kids for long walk through town. Stop for bagels, see fountains, flags, people, etc. Kids have good time. Mom stays home and showers.
11AM: Dad and kids return home. Maybe run around backyard for 15min. Change diapers and kids nap at 11:30am.
1PM: Kids wake up. Mom makes lunch. After lunch mom cleans up and dad plays with kids.
2PM: Mom wants to go to sister's house and take kids swimming. Mom tells dad that he needs to entertain kids when she packs up and prepares to go. Dad plays with kids.
2:30PM: Leave. Mom doesn't go in the pool, so dad takes son swimming while Mom cares for son #2.
4:30PM: W tells H that he needs to watch kids while she cooks dinner.
5PM: Feed kids dinner. Mom cleans up dinner.
6PM: Go home. Dad gives kids a bath. Mom prepares snack.
7PM: Kids run around house for a bit. Sit down have snack/milk.
7:45-8PM: Kids go to bed.
This is very typical and also imagine my situation: my W wants to split! Where in this schedule do you see W spends quality time with kids?? She is great at being mom, but can't be a mother and enjoy her kids. She is totally overwhelmed and feels I am the source of her depression. I am the scapegoat. If she's upset, it's my fault.
W and I are going to my therapist on Friday AM. She wanted to come. It's definitely doomsday for me.
W will not budge, DB guidance isn't working, books aren't helping, W thinks its better to cut a person who loves her and our kids more than anything out of her life. A family man who would walk through fire for them. I am about to give up on all this acting and pretending that DB tells me to do. I am done fighting. My actions over the past 6 months should be enough to show her how much I have changed and how my priorities have changed. If that's not enough, then I have done all I can do.
I have been a model H for 5+ months and it had gotten me nowhere. My W exhibits some obvious mood swings (nice one day, cold the next), which are probably hormones, but something she'd probably blame me for. She won't budge. I guess she prides herself on holding her ground. Real mature.
My W likely feels that there's nothing to repair no matter how "perfect" I am. She feels like the relationship is dead. Friends, yes. H and W, no. She doesn't believe in reconciliation. She doesn't believe that love can survive and return to the M by giving it a chance.
But most importantly, she doesn't believe our two small children will be damaged by this. She thinks they will adjust. She thinks that destroying their family and family life is the better option. Selfish. And I also think she believes I will be there all the time to ease the transition. I will be there for my kids, not her.
Today I made the biggest yet hardest decision of my life. My W and I went to see my therapist and after she said she was unhappy and was tired of us being in limbo (and even saying she saw a lawyer, but was scared off by the costs)I responded by letting her go. I told her that I was no longer going to try and save the M, and would rather like to move forward and do what's best for our kids.
We agreed that we could do it together without lawyers and that a meeting with a mediator would happen at some point in the near future (within 1 year) after her and I have fully discussed our ideas and long term plans for the kids.
There is an amazing thread here about letting go and I drew a lot of strength from it and my DB coach. I realized that it's the only solution that I have right now and I told her that I am not going to try and change her mind anymore, so let's just be friends, parents and partners and start thinking about our kids' future.
I think she was a little bit surprised and a bit relieved. She only really got emotional when I told her how grateful I was to her for giving me two children and the sacrifices she made to have them. I don't think anyone else would have put themselves through 6-7 IVF cycles, so I expressed my admiration and thanks. And I also thanked her for giving me the time to change as a person. I am happy with the person I have become over the past 6 months and I now have an amazing relationship with my boys. Only this crisis allowed that to happen.
Everything else I said she just sorta stared in quiet reflection.
When my T asked her how her therapy was going my W cried and said she's still trying to find herself. She doesn't think she can be happy until she is alone. Don't ask me to explain that. She admitted to losing her identity, of always being drained and tired, and of not being strong and happy for the kids. It made me realize that my W is really lost. She is pushing everyone out of her life who cares about her so that she can be alone with twin 2 year olds and "discover" who she is.
I told her that I want my kids to be with me for days and sleepovers. I want to live in a place that's conducive to children. She sorta looked at me paniced, and I said they must know that they are an important part of my life and that won't happen if I am coming and going.
I feel awkward. I don't know how to act when I get home. I think we need to just exhale and be friends again so that we make healthy decisions.
I don't feel as bad as I thought I would, tho I still cry for my children and wish I could make all this go away. But I have to be strong for them. Our relationship will never be set free living like we have.
I don't know what to expect from her...elation, relief, fear? She said she's afraid of being alone, but she still thinks it's the only way.
I am sure they are. I know others who have done it, too, and express much of the same depression. To my W I am not part of her solution. She wants out and she wants to discover herself alone. I don't know what's going to happen when she wakes up and I am not there, and the kids make demands she can't satisfy because I am not there and she perhaps realizes that "finding herself" has become twice as hard.
She had to do this alone. I will never understand why destroying her family is a good solution for her, but it might be the only way she comes to any kind of realization.
I am sure they are. I know others who have done it, too, and express much of the same depression. To my W I am not part of her solution. She wants out and she wants to discover herself alone. I don't know what's going to happen when she wakes up and I am not there, and the kids make demands she can't satisfy because I am not there and she perhaps realizes that "finding herself" has become twice as hard.
She had to do this alone. I will never understand why destroying her family is a good solution for her, but it might be the only way she comes to any kind of realization.
I don't think any of us can be the solution directly. They need to come to terms with their own demons and issues. We can help by doing what all of us are here discussing. We can be a solution for ourselves however, by becoming a better person and becoming the person that our WAS once fell in love with. That's the only way IMO.
Don't worry what's going to happen when she wakes up and you're not there. You will see in time. Spend your time bettering yourself instead and she will notice in time. The "wake up" may surprise you.
None of us understand why destroying families is a good solution for them because they are living in a LIE . They are living in a parallel universe where they sometimes pop in and out of to confuse us even more. Do what works, stop doing that doesn't. Look for little signs and reaction. You need to be the magnet with enough gravitational power to pull her back from her universe through that black hole that she got sucked through.
All the walkaways seem to have pretty much similar behavior traits. Strong mood swings, a lot of anger etc. There is a tendency by all of us ( me included ) to try and figure out what they are thinking and what is on their mind. Why they would want to walk instead of working on things. It's a waste of time and they have their reasons justified or no. I think the only thing we can control is how we react to it and that's why this forum is so helpful.
All the walkaways seem to have pretty much similar behavior traits. Strong mood swings, a lot of anger etc. There is a tendency by all of us ( me included ) to try and figure out what they are thinking and what is on their mind. Why they would want to walk instead of working on things. It's a waste of time and they have their reasons justified or no. I think the only thing we can control is how we react to it and that's why this forum is so helpful.
Whenever I spoke about the children or our family and how it tears me up when I think about all they are going to miss out on, or how they will feel shortchanged when one parent can't give each son the attention he demands, she just stared in silent reflection. Never agreeing in any way. The only time she showed emotion was when I thanked her for giving me children and when she talked about herself and how she hasn't found her happiness and is scared about the changes she is creating. I am sitting next to her a changed man, and she is still in the starting blocks waiting for me to leave so she can get to work on herself and go through the self-discovery.
I can still sense anger and frustration. I have seen lots of mood swings, and she also said, after I suggested being the ultimate babysitter so she can get more time to herself, that she feels guilty when away from the kids. Her helper can't play with two boys out in the yard alone (no fences). So she feels compelled to be there as much as possible. I fail to see reality and her master plan meshing very well. Take dad out of the equation and only then will happiness come(?).
