Nothing fits

[Reincarnated]

I didn't even finish reading this article, and I just had to share it with you:

Making Your Bed
August 5, 2010 by Susan J. Elliott
requested repost:

When I was submitting the Getting Past Your Breakup book manuscript I fretted sometimes about making the MoAB look like the bananahead he is. My youngest son said to me, “if you don’t want to wind up in someone’s book looking like an [censored], maybe you shouldn’t be an [censored].”
After a breakup (sometimes many many years later) some of us have these insane loyalties to our exes who behaved badly or did not give what we needed or was the other half of a dysfunctional relationship or….(insert whatever here).


We feel guilty if they have a birthday, a sick family member, a lost job. We think that we should be there. If they don’t want to pay child support or want to change visitation every other week, we think it’s okay. It’s NOT okay.

Or we refuse to cut off all means of contact or get a restraining order or pull the plug on that joint savings account or file for child support OR WHATEVER because he or she can’t handle it.

We feel sorry for them or feel guilty or weak or some other craziness.

We can feel whatever we want. Feelings should not dictate what we do or do not do.

Feelings are important indicators for us when they’re not mucked up with other garbage (skewed thinking, unacknowledged dysfunction). But when they are mucked up, they are just some random form of insanity. And feelings like guilt for leaving an unhealthy situation or feelings of pity for someone who has hurt us are definitely random forms of insanity...

(from the website http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/making-your-bed-2/#more-6952 )

I hope you get a chance to read the rest of it.

[BobbiJo]

Love it Donna, will have to read the rest!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey mish, my gut feeling is he doesnt really want to leave you and Marc and doesnt really want to go to California, asking you to get him a ticket is a cry for help, in that he is desperate.

Maybe its the guilt ? Maybe its because his life fell apart so much the past few years? Maybe becuase the broom is contacting him and guilting him also, who knows?

Men rarely want to go to Counselling so I'm not surprised he doesnt want to. I saw the MASSIVE difference AD's made to my H though, without which I doubt we would be M now. The right AD that is and Michelle is right, herbal remedies wont cut it.

I think you could 'listen and validate' (yawn!) .. Gabe I see you are in turmoil and I agree you are and clearly you arent able to give anything to me and Marc right now, so quit expecting to ..you need to get yourself healthy. I really need you to take responsibility for your health and as hard as it is, face up to the fact you need a bit of help. You are not a failure or weak if you do that, it is the strong thing to do to take yourself to the doctor and get some meds to get you through this patch in your life. Imagine how much better you would feel if you get the right AD... ? Or.. take some time for himself, resume a hobby/sport he enjoyed ??

Hugs Mish, this is another blip I think (a large one!) xxx

[dday101798]

Exactamundo!

Hey, that's my line.

Ummmm..... May I ask, when he dropped that 'little' bomb on you, was that really your response?

[mishka422]

Yes, that was really my response. I'm so resigned to him leaving over and over again that I'm beginning to expect it every time he takes a downward turn. Heck, I pull up to the house every day after work and am continually surprised his stuff isn't gone. He likes to just disappear. Of course, he has no place to go so I don't know where he'd pack himself off to.

Donna, love the article. SO SO SO SO TRUE! I am insane. It's official. I always knew that though.

Ali, he won't go to a doctor. No insurance so he can't afford the exorbitant fee as well as the cost of the prescription. He did decide to try DHEA and St. John's Wort. We'll see. I really don't think it's going to be enough and I told him that. We'll see.

There is a continuing thought here. Would I be better off to have him completely out of my life? I don't like being completely on my own handling everything with Marc. Frankly, I need the help. Do my emotional needs take precedence over Marc's needs? I don't think so. Marc deserves every bit of support I can give him and if that means that my needs aren't met, so be it. No, I'm not being a martyr! I'm being a mom with a special needs child. He has to come first at all times. Simple.

Time to stop being so ridiculously selfish and just concentrate on what is absolutely best for him. For now, that means keeping his dad in his life as long as Gabe's nuttiness is not hurting Marc. He doesn't show any of this to Marc, he acts totally normal with him, so I'm not concerned about it. That could change, but for now it's ok and Marc likes having him here.

[kat727]

But make sure you protect yourself and tell him that this is just going to be a co-parenting relationship and there is the couch.

kat

[oldtimer]

"Time to stop being so ridiculously selfish and just concentrate on what is absolutely best for him. For now, that means keeping his dad in his life as long as Gabe's nuttiness is not hurting Marc. He doesn't show any of this to Marc, he acts totally normal with him, so I'm not concerned about it. That could change, but for now it's ok and Marc likes having him here."

Now I think you are lying to yourself. Gabe is there because you aren't done. If you aren't done, you may as well try. Work on boundaries, work on being direct, work on taking care of yourself.

[dday101798]

Yes, that was really my response.

Okay. Then, I have home work for you over the weekend:

Change the way you communicate.

I can not tell you how important effective communication is! And that's coming for a situation where (x)W and I talked everything out. He's still clamed up in his little world. It was not by any means easy fo r(x)W to come out with everything I assure you that. But, the way I would respond to her made a HUGE difference in making her more comfortable to do so. Did I like some of the things she had to say? No. But at least I made an enviornment for her where she was comfortable to be.

I'm sorry, hon, but the kind of responses I see you offer up to him, doesn't scream "I've changed the things about me that made you want to go out and do those things", "I'm accepting (my fualts and yours", and "I want to use our past mistakes to make our future better, no matter which way it goes". That type of response you offered up, might just as well push him out the door again further.

That's just my observation.

[mishka422]

Honestly guys, I don't have the strength to talk to him about any of this. I ran across a FB post from the broom (she is friends with one of my family members so I see her stuff come up from time to time). What it said was:

Omfg!!! Apparently my crazy ex is now a stalker!!! He just asked me had my lover over and he was quite descriptive!!! Claims he just knew but didn't stalk me.. This coming from someone who lies about the color of the sky!! I just wanna scream I am so pissed!!!

And her responses to others comments:
Oh yeah girl . I am shaking I am so mad!!
Well apparently brains is not his strong suit or he would still be a cop and not working part time at a convenience store and sponging off his ex wife!!
Oh I meant he asked had my lover been over.. I was too pissed to type .. Still pissed but a little calmer after my shower..


In her first comment I thought she might have been talking about her XH until I saw her clarification.

Good GOD! He's really and truly nuts.

So....WTH do I do now???

[Virtually_Handsome]

Well....
I guess he lies to everyone.

My advice generator is kinda broken right now. I would be tempted to kick him out, and let the courts take every penny he ever makes as child support for Marc.

But I am just a little pissed.