Today I made the biggest yet hardest decision of my life. My W and I went to see my therapist and after she said she was unhappy and was tired of us being in limbo (and even saying she saw a lawyer, but was scared off by the costs)I responded by letting her go. I told her that I was no longer going to try and save the M, and would rather like to move forward and do what's best for our kids.
We agreed that we could do it together without lawyers and that a meeting with a mediator would happen at some point in the near future (within 1 year) after her and I have fully discussed our ideas and long term plans for the kids.
There is an amazing thread here about letting go and I drew a lot of strength from it and my DB coach. I realized that it's the only solution that I have right now and I told her that I am not going to try and change her mind anymore, so let's just be friends, parents and partners and start thinking about our kids' future.
I think she was a little bit surprised and a bit relieved. She only really got emotional when I told her how grateful I was to her for giving me two children and the sacrifices she made to have them. I don't think anyone else would have put themselves through 6-7 IVF cycles, so I expressed my admiration and thanks. And I also thanked her for giving me the time to change as a person. I am happy with the person I have become over the past 6 months and I now have an amazing relationship with my boys. Only this crisis allowed that to happen.
Everything else I said she just sorta stared in quiet reflection.
When my T asked her how her therapy was going my W cried and said she's still trying to find herself. She doesn't think she can be happy until she is alone. Don't ask me to explain that. She admitted to losing her identity, of always being drained and tired, and of not being strong and happy for the kids. It made me realize that my W is really lost. She is pushing everyone out of her life who cares about her so that she can be alone with twin 2 year olds and "discover" who she is.
I told her that I want my kids to be with me for days and sleepovers. I want to live in a place that's conducive to children. She sorta looked at me paniced, and I said they must know that they are an important part of my life and that won't happen if I am coming and going.
I feel awkward. I don't know how to act when I get home. I think we need to just exhale and be friends again so that we make healthy decisions.
I don't feel as bad as I thought I would, tho I still cry for my children and wish I could make all this go away. But I have to be strong for them. Our relationship will never be set free living like we have.
I don't know what to expect from her...elation, relief, fear? She said she's afraid of being alone, but she still thinks it's the only way.
