But Reciprocal Love is beautiful. There is a return but not demanding. And it doesn't say "how" reciprocal as eveyone's "requirements/boundary" for minimun is different.
But Reciprocal Love is beautiful. There is a return but not demanding. And it doesn't say "how" reciprocal as eveyone's "requirements/boundary" for minimun is different.
CD, it's funny you asked this. Last night I was thinking about some of the back and forth going on in this thread and it dawned on me we may not be in common agreement on the definition of love. I really didn't want to post about it because it goes off into a whole philosophical discussion in which there is no agreement on a single definition.
Some people think another person 'loves' them and cares about them only when they are abusing them. Some people think they are being loved when a person spends quality time with them. Isn't that what the Love Languages book is all about?
So from this perspective, is love really a feeling or an emotion in and of itself? Or is it a combination of actions and words which kick off a feeling which we call love. It seems it is a subjective thing - meaning something for each different person.
How do you know someone loves you?
The way he looks at me. The way we spend time together. I feel it in his/her touch. I have heard it said here when 'being in love' has been referenced, that it's actually attraction. (This makes sense to me) What gucci often refers to as I love, I interpret as attraction. Again, this is my personal take on it. You won't get and KEEP a woman because they lost attraction. Now there are many studies on creates attraction. There's a whole group of PUA's (Pick Up Artists) who have gone so far as to break it down into a step by step process which resembles a scientific experiment.
What creates attraction? Respect, Subconscious leanings, environment, modeling our parents relationship, looks, smells, personality, manerisms, confidence, action, independence, money, security, etc... I think the list can go on and on. Each quality having a different value for each person.
It ends up getting into an exercise in mental masturbation.
Personally, I think there is a huge component which we aren't even conscious of. Some posit attraction comes from a need to work out childhood issues regarding our relationships with our parents which were never resolved. Some think it's divine intervention. Some say it's just a biological mechanism.
Why do people who marry alcoholics tend to be attracted to similar people over and over. Not the drinking, but the issues and baggage which the alcohol is only a symptom. Why do we talk about 'Daddy issues'? Why are some people attracted to people who are not capable of real connection? Some say safety - so they don't get hurt; some say commonality because they can't connect either. Unresolved issues? Issues that need to brought to the surface so they can be worked on? Isn't it ironic our WAS actually created the opening for us to look at the issues we now talk about working on?
We can go on and on.
It can be argued that we don't actually feel love. Not in the sense in which the supposed great meditators etc... have experienced.
When I actually look at it I see we can't feel another persons 'love'. As a matter of fact, we actually can't feel any emotions from another person.
When a person is angry, we don't feel THEIR anger. We feel our reaction to their anger - whether it's anxiety, fear, our own anger, etc...
What do we feel when we think we love someone? We feel happy, at peace, comfortable, fulfilled, blissful, ecstatic? - these are all questions not statements.
I have heard it like this - what you feel when you think someone else loves you is the feeling arising in you when your search for that stops and the endless chatter in your mind slows down. Same as when you buy a new car, get a new toy, arrive at a goal you have been shooting for.
I believe this feeling we call love is always conditional. But I also don't believe it's love at all.
I'll love you if.... I'll stay with you if..... I'll help you if.... I'll punish you if....
Does it really matter?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
How about evol? Because we probably have it all a$$ backwards anyway.
Possibly true. The self-embellishment of the WAS is building up their "devil" side...
They do have a bunch of conditionals, which they will use to get us to hop over a hurdle. "Up boy". "Good boy". "Now sit". "Beg". "Come here boy" ( holds out treat ).
How do we know "love", or "hate" or "anger"? We know by how we are treated and how we are communicated to. The body language also tells alot.
1. Reciprocal is just conditional on it being reciprocated. Think about the difference between unconditional love and conditional marriage. We don't love our kids only if they promise to love us back? Or our parents ... you see where I'm going with this.
2. You mention that you are having trouble with the anger and resentment pieces. Please, do not make any decisions or choices while you are struggling with this. You don't want any unringable bells. Sometimes, in the short term, doing nothing and being still are the best options. Until you know with certainty that the choices you are making are from place of compassion and love and that they are true to your core, go slow.
3. I'm glad that reading my sitch (all of it ... this morning? really? must have been a lot of coffee!) has helped you in some way. But if my timeline has influenced you into making hasty decisions about your marriage and committment while you are still processing anger and resentment then I'll be tempted to pull the whole thing. Seriously. You've read my sitch, you know where I stand - or not - and you should also know that I have no intention of filing any paperwork or doing anything other than living my life. I'm going to take responsibility for my choices and leave him to do the same.
4. You sound ready to do the work, so get to it! Set some boundaries, but take the focus off the M and put it where it belongs ... firmly on what you can control ... YOU. Read what you can and get as many perspectives as possible. Then, someday when you can honestly look in the mirror and say for sure that your choices to let go are in love and not in anger or because of a damaged ego ... you'll know. Absolutely work to get back that man she fell in love with, but do it because it was true to your core ... because you liked who you were then. Do it for you, regardless of the potential outcome of your current sitch.
Peace PEI
PS ... lived in Calgary for a while ... but it's been a long time. The city must be huge now!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
The only thing I have to add here is, there can be a lot of philosophical arguments about what love is and what love isn't. Heck, the brightest psychological minds in history argued about how we develop and change. The bottom line is actions, not feelings on the issue. That's the true test of maturity - which is what WAS's lack. What you do is more important than how you feel right now.
BINGO.
Introspection is good, but at this (still early) stage, ACTION is more important.
