From this day forward................

[ddstartingover]

I sometimes get caught up in feeling like I am the crazy one here (not my H)............how can I be the only one that sees that H has changed SO much???.....how can I be the only one that thinks he acts like an alien???.......but then I read other stories and see that I'm not alone in this experience.

I also wonder, since I've never experienced a "break up," if this is all just normal behavior in a relationship that has ended..........how would I know?

I still do a lot of thinking. Trying to get my mind to move on, and I think I am getting closer to being able to accept fully (really) what is happening, which I know has to happen. My memories of "before" still linger. The reality I remember still holds true to me.

If I could only get past the lingering feeling that in the end I was just "not good enough" or worthy enough to have the "happily ever after".....the "forever".... and what hurts the most.....my family complete and unbroken, forced to live in this awkward un-natural state that is divorce............and last night just a wave from the man I've devoted the last 30 years of my life to.....and would the next if I had the chance....

But.....I've held on. I've had no encouragment, so I don't know why. I've not had one "I miss you." There has been no wavering on his part. I've not really had anything to hold out hope for other than the fact that he cannot bring himself to move forward with the divorce that he wants, and the hope that some day he will again be the man I have loved since I was 15. He has asked me to hire a lawyer to handle "our" divorce, in an e-mail. From the beginning, he has only addressed our marriage and his need to end it via e-mail. I know that it doesn't matter that I feel I deserve more.

Feeling emotional today, so venting. I don't reflect these feelings to the world. That is not even an option for me. This is where I can come to let some emotion out. I don't need to do this as often as I used to, so I know that's progress too.