Future, Another idea...maybe you tell her that THIS marriage needs to end. That you are living apart. The reconciliation is rocky and it would do you both well to end this marriage. That maybe in the future you two can start something new and different, but this one needs to end. There is some symbolism in that.
The ending of a marriage is terrible, but those logistical details are really stressful and if you get them over with, you can maybe date W sometime again. It might feel different. I don't know how things work in NY, but I'd be really uncomfortable if I was still liable for my H's finances and other legal commitments and we had been living apart for so long. Doesn't that worry you??? The divorce logistics were so stressful...it would be hard to focus on a rebuilding a relationship when you are walking that line for so long and its been so ambiguous for so long.
And, if you are going to date women other than W, even casually, who wants to date someone who is still married??
I've heard of a lot of people being divorced for a few years and then getting back together and having it work out. This is a rocky time for her. She needs to figure herself out. You've been drug through the mud for long enough. Tell her you are "freeing" her to do what she needs to do. Let her do it and if she comes back different later, then you can see. BUT, it sounds to me like she clearly needs the attention of other men to feel "validated". That's a bad sign for a stable marriage. Its a character issue.
