I've been reading a lot of the threads this evening and I have a question...
So many posters here share their thoughts that the MLCr is in a tunnel and once or if they make it out then they will recognize all that they had. How often does this really happen? I know that some smart people here have indicated that you should believe none of what an MLCr says and half of what they do - but if while in the tunnel the MLCr finds another and marries them - are they typically happy and do they tend to stay?
My H is so arrogant and full of pride that even if he came out of the tunnel I'm not sure that he would ever admit his losses. Of course this begs the question if he is so arrogant - why would I want him back?:)
I wish I could figure out when he went in the tunnel ~ but I guess it really doesn't matter.
I wish I had more answers to all those questions you have. I think the same way you do with all of this.
I don't know if it helps but the first thing I look at is the OP is just so many steps below the LBS in what I read and what I see in my own sitch. That gives comfort to know that it can't last long. When the rose colored glasses come off, that person is not as attractive at all anymore and if you have been making changes, then you become an even better choice. If they don't face their issues, you may not want them back anyway. So they cycle. Seems just so pointless but you and I won't ever get this unless we go through it. Thank God for that. HB mentions that both she and her H went through it. I can't imagine back to back like she describes. These MLC'rs are unhappy the whole time they go through this. Yes, the new relationships are a drug but then it is "Where is the next new thing?" Then it will wane again and from what I have read they have "failure" in their head every time they lay down at night. What is a common thread is when they hit rock bottom, they begin their journey out of the tunnel for good.
I have been reading AmyC's post because she is so much like my W. It is around 800 pages long but it sure is more of a happy ending. It is the closest thing I have seen so far of what they go through and how their thinking is. I try to read 10 pages or so a day to help perk me back up again. If you find a good MLC book that you enjoy please let me know. I have been noting the books mentioned as I go along and I am going to end up with a huge stack of books that hopefully all won't say the same thing.
As far as your question with when he went into the tunnel? Look back and see when a stressful situation occurred. From what I have read, it is somebody they know dies or stressful job or a move into a different home maybe an illness, car accident with death etc. Common thread on this is there is a trigger that makes their mind go into an automatic-going-to-happen-in-their-midlife-no-matter-what-you-do-mode. They focus on WTH happened to my life up till now and I am going to die and am getting old now panic. Take comfort knowing there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. Then, knowing that being the LBS is a blessing instead of a victim mentality curse, you can improve yourself, feel good about yourself, and be able to handle the curves that life throws you. My faith in God needed to be pumped up. I actually was praying to God to help me grow closer to Him before all of this started. Did not realize He would actually answer that prayer and I would have to do something about it. Sheesh!!
Timelines will be different for everyone. Lance seems to have a handle on it more than most. I look back and figure I am into year 3 of this. (Stressful move and new stressful job from old stressful job for W) I read women are 2-5 years;men 2-10 years. Read hints on if the childhood trauma is deep it takes longer. Saw lots of references to 3-5 years. The thing that kills me is they know something is wrong with them. You can see it in their eyes. They age rapidly. The depression is hanging on to them so tight. Every attempt at getting them help is a push for them to go into more denial and lash out at the one they are closest to. What a slippery slope nightmare for them!!
Sorry so long but just felt like posting to you this morning.
