New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

Thanks, PEI.
I wasn't sure whose thread this was for a while.

I had a really bad day here on the forum. I heard some stuff I wasn't prepared for and/or was willing to accept.

I just laid low for the last 5 or 6 hours and tried to collect my thoughts. MY thoughts.

I really liked your last line:

Focus on you. Become the man you want to be ... regardless of how this plays out.
...not everyone can love someone the way they need to be loved as opposed to the way we want to love them.

I get my D back tomorrow. Missed her all week (snuck by the day home a couple times to check on her. Needed my fix.)

We'll have a fun weekend and then Monday W and I meet with a mediator and the fur will begin to fly. This will be a potential freak-show. W thinks she'll be walking away either debt free and/or with a little "going away present." The law and the math say different.

And I thought exposure was interesting......

[PEI]

No worries, we Canadians gotta take care of one another eh!

I hear ya man. My youngest is only 2 and I can't imagine not getting my fix every couple of days. So far I haven't had to go more than a day or two without seeing them for at least a few minutes. Not sure what our schedule will look like in the fall so for now I'm embracing the time I've got.

The best advice I've been given on here, and I've gotten lots, is NO REGRETS. I'm coming through this head held high, no regrets, knowing that I have taken the high road - I haven't acted out of anger or resentment, always from a place of love and compassion. I'm focussing on what I CAN control - ME. I'm fighting my personal demons and dragons, and although I don't always win the battles, the war is mine. Do what is right. Always. You can't lose that way. And trust yourself, you know what right is, you don't need us to tell you.

Steady's last post is bang on. 100%. You can love and detach. Love and let go. Love and divorce. Unconditional love does exist. I'm living it.

Peace
PEI

[Truegritter]

CD

Tough day yesterday...

Listen man this is about you now.

What we have been talking about the past week is about getting you back to your core.

For me part of that was looking at my M and examining what love does mean to me.

Remember we can read something and think it sounds like what we believe...

When we experience life good and bad we learn.

We know it better. So it becomes part of us.

When you look outside of yourself for answers then you will always be beholden to those you seek it fom

This tragedy has given you a gift of time to learn and grow.

And heal.

I came to my understanding through a process.

I stand for my M not because I am holding on to something I need to let go

I am doing it for me and what I believe in.

What am I if my words are not backed up by my actions?

Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me back?

I am not measuring my self worth on whether my confused and scared wife wants me back right now.

I am living what I believe by MY actions NOT the actions of another...

If you dig for Truegritter's core you will not find it in my W's backyard pining for something I can't have

Neither will you find it running away from her down the street because it was rejected

You will find it right here with me.

Inside me.

Standing right here.

If you let self doubt that is created and reinforced by others guide you

You confirm that weekness in yourself. Then you are that weakness.

When you come from your core.

When stand for your beliefs and yourself

REGARDLESS

Of the outcome.

That takes courage.

That is confidence.

[CD Bear]

Thanks,PEI, I just finished surfing your sitch over my morning coffee (OK, coffeeeeeeess)

I can now refocus on Me (and my sitch) since you gave me this....

I'm coming through this head held high, no regrets, knowing that I have taken the high road - I haven't acted out of anger or resentment, always from a place of love and compassion. I'm focussing on what I CAN control - ME. I'm fighting my personal demons and dragons, and although I don't always win the battles, the war is mine. Do what is right. Always. You can't lose that way. And trust yourself, you know what right is, you don't need us to tell you.

You can love and detach. Love and let go. Love and divorce. Unconditional love does exist.

The bold above are my struggles. Since I only confirmed the A a month ago, I was reeling and pretty "E-Ticket ride" myself. The month before that was "consumed with verifying the suspicions" Pretty 'obsessed and crazed' that month. The month before that was "understanding the bomb". Three separate "Theme Parks" in one summer.

And now vacation is over and I'm back to work-I am that work.

The underlined above is my 'job description'

Thanks. EH?

[Truegritter]

My daughter STILL has a guy that has loved her "unconditionally" for about 5 years now and running. Behind his back, she laughs at him and wonders when he is going to get the message. He just never gives up....

and

dont know. the bunch of high school girls who just ate me out of house and home said they would dump a guy as soon as they found out he was seeing someone else. too many other fish in the sea to waste your time on a sucker, they agreed.

Thanks for clarifying this.

It is good to undertstand that your premise and advice is coming from the the study of love from the perpective

...of high school girls.

That is pretty much where a WAS is on the emotional development curve when they leave.

They have regressed.

And that is how they are behaving...

Like a 16 year old.

... so in some sense your advice may be spot on.

It seems a bit contradictory to me for you to say this and then dispense your critical view of...

CD for marrying a younger woman. Your advice is geared exactly to that premise it appears.

No matter how hard we try, if you are not treated back with some type of love, it goes STRAIGHT into your memory bank.

And what is stored in that memory chip?

Anger?

Resentment?

or is there an opportunity for something healthier...


Better...

[CD Bear]

Thanks,TG
It was a toughie,alright. The age stuff "stung".

But I liked this:

...looking at my M and examining what love does mean to me.
Remember we can read something and think it sounds like what we believe..
When we experience life good and bad we learn.

And THIS one was even better:

I stand for my M not because I am holding on to something I need to let go
I am doing it for me and what I believe in.
What am I if my words are not backed up by my actions?
Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me back?
I am not measuring my self worth on whether my confused and scared wife wants me back right now.I am living what I believe by MY actions NOT the actions of another...

And here again:

If you let self doubt that is created and reinforced by others (including W) guide you
You confirm that weekness in yourself. Then you are that weakness.
When you come from your core.
When you stand for your beliefs and yourself
REGARDLESS
Of the outcome.

This last one, to me, contains the pieces I was "softening on" in the earlier debates that Gucci had such a valid issue with.

Inherent in my redicoverd core, by examining the marriage, I have found some of the/MY weaknesses.
-Lack of boundaries
-Taking my eyes off the ball (our "love", our "needs")
-Presuming she had the same level of maturity and commitment I did. Not her fault. It can be age related. But I should have recognized that and taken up some of the load
-Sacrificing my self-respect from fear of conflict (double whammy)
-Realizing that that if I had "stood then" I likely wouldn't have to be "standing" now.
-Not expressing "my needs" and not "understanding/digging for hers"

There is and likely will be more to add but these are the mains.


I'm feeling stronger today.
Reading PEI's thread helped, too.

[SunnyD]

The only thing I have to add here is, there can be a lot of philosophical arguments about what love is and what love isn't. Heck, the brightest psychological minds in history argued about how we develop and change. The bottom line is actions, not feelings on the issue. That's the true test of maturity - which is what WAS's lack. What you do is more important than how you feel right now.

[CD Bear]

Hey, TG.
In retrospect, I found Gucci's remarks quite pertinent.

One of his main themes throughout all the posts he has made I have ever found (watching you, Gucc!) is this one:

Why would I want to be with someone who clearly says they don't want me? And act out as such to prove it?

And then you wrote this:

Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want me back?
I am not measuring my self worth on whether my confused and scared wife wants me back right now.

This was also interesting:

your premise and advice is coming from the the study of love from the perpective ...of high school girls.
That is pretty much where a WAS is on the emotional development curve when they leave.
They have regressed.
And that is how they are behaving...
Like a 16 year old.

And he's absolutely correct. And so is your take. So the "dig" was unnecessary.
And, upon further reflection, and in keeping with where Sandi2 and others (thanks, Coach!)I have melded a few of their views together into this:

I met my wife when she was 22. I was 40. I was "the core ME" then. She was attracted to that. Over time and under pressure, I lost me and she lost the attraction. I ceased to be "catnip".
REGARDLESS of the outcome at this point, and FOR ME, I need to get back what I lost/regain ME and, in so doing, I'll become the same "catnip" I was....for somebody. Just don't know WHO yet.
However, and I wish I could remember (Puppy?)

NO ONE is better suited RIGHT NOW to be my W's husband than YOU!

So the quicker I can re-establish myself as MY priority and get myself on track, the sooner that I will the same (nay, BETTER) person that my W's "young" brain (attraction programming still there)fell in love with initially.

NOT that that is my motive. But, again, the real detachment I am developing in order to protect my D and I, will also play into the common thought (in Infidelity) that" It's difficult to pursue something that isn't moving away fom you"

I don't want anyone to believe that I'm all "Hope and Roses" but my time away yesterday (18 holes!) and my thoughts and reading this morning, have put some things in perspective.

No matter how hard we try, if you are not treated back with some type of love, it goes STRAIGHT into your memory bank.

And what is stored in that memory chip?
Anger?Resentment?

Absolutely
But if we don't "address" THAT issue, we'll all eventually end up on this forum.

The anger and resentment lead to the "hopelessness" and subsequent "secrets" that are the CANCERS of M's. And I've learned that now.

DOING something about the bhvr that you file away that festers into the 'Cancer' is the basis for everything we all read-
Love Languages
DR/DB
His Need, Her Needs
No More Mr Nice Guy
HTIYMWTAI
etc

And this is where:
-Self-respect
-Boundaries
-GAL (and KEEPING IT)
-Maintaining an "end goal/future plan" for the M
come into play.

My thoughts first thing this morning

[CD Bear]

And I'd like some assistance coming up with a new word.
The debate I have seen several times now (and causes semantic argument and helps no one) is the black and white definitions of love. It's the view they are the opposites and necessarily mean the extreme. i.e.
Conditional-cause and effect; X brings Y; immediate gratification; selfish
Unconditional-doormat; fruitless; respect destroying; turn the other cheek forever

Where is the REAL one? Neither is healthy in my view.
What should we call the love where we commit and are willing to LOVE without "constant, instantaneous" response but don't go on forever without "any positive response"?

In animal behaviour, there are walls of studies done on the most 'addictive, repetitive' (lousy word choices. I know) ways to get the desired response in an animal. And it involves how a behaviour is "reinforced"

The MOST profound way to get the DESIRED response is though "inconsistent reinforcement"

In essence, non-predictability creates the most constant behaviour. If the bhvr is rewarded EVERY TIME, the subject ONLY does it when they want something. If the reward NEVER HAPPENS, the behaviour will eventaully cease as well.

So you MUST get something but not EVERY TIME.

And the new word is >>>>>>>________ Love
Rewarded?
Rewarding? (Everybody will have their own "line" of acceptable)
Reinforced?

OK. So I went WAY OFF the original topics but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Something to think about. But not debate, please.
I want to stay on task.
Thanks

[CD Bear]

Funny you mention that.
See my post 4 seconds ago.

I'm looking for a new word to avoid future debates.