I know most of what is happening has nothing to do with me and I know this is my husband's ball and that I can't fix him. It is all just so sad. I know I will get through this but I feel so bad for my children. They ask me everyday if we can just go back home.
It's hard for me to say what I want outside the context of my marriage. The only thing I ever wanted in life was a happy family. I didn't have that growing up. My dad left when I was young and never had any contact with me and my mom is a cold-hearted shrew who hates people. I absolutely love being married. I love being a wife. I love being a mom.
I'm a pretty together gal. I'm smart and have a good career and I have lots of interests. I also have wonderful children. I know I will have a fulfilling life even without my husband. The thing that sends me on a crying jag every time I think about it is the lonliness. My husband and I are really good friends and have great conversation. I miss that. Sometimes I just need that adult stimulation. We also had a good intimate relationship. I miss that time with him....the intimacy and knowing someone on that deep level. I know I can love someone else again but I also know I will never bring a third party into my children's lives until they are grown....that's 12 more years.
I went to IC in the beginning and it helped me understand my H's A but after a few sessions my C told me to leave my husband. This was a Christian counselor. That did not sit well with me. I truly believe God wants my marriage to work for me, my children and my husband. I do not believe he wants me to walk away. I've been to other therapists before but I have to say I haven't found counseling all that beneficial. I may sign up to talk with a DB coach and next week I have some sessions scheduled with Larry Bilotta and I'm looking forward to those.
My husband hasn't said much about our marriage and what makes him unhappy. I know one of my 180's will be to get more financially savvy. I have been working on a budget and hope to learn some stuff about investing. I've also made sure I look nice whenever he is around.
My GAL goals: 1 - make friends. I don't know a single person in this town outside of work. I'm looking for a church and school is starting soon so I will have a chance to meet some moms 2 - start going to the gym 3 - take up golf 4 - I'm looking for a piano. I've always wanted to play and some of my kids seem to be musically inclined 5 - spend more quality time with my kids. Even though I'm with them all the time I've been emotionally out of touch this past year 6 - learn how to use my camera
I have a nanny to watch the kids while I work but I feel darn guilty leaving them to do other things. I feel like my time with them is so short and I don't want other people raising my kids. I really hate the idea that I work full time. When we initially moved here I was going to work part-time but he's left and unless I know he is coming home for good I need to make sure I can support my kids. I thought about pushing my husband to start taking them on a schedule but he's just not there emotionally and I'm concerned he is drinking and don't want to expose my children to that behavior.
