She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[crushednstuck]

Hey Eric, Cat, Lance and and all other sages,
I've had these questions posed to me by another wise member of this forum, however, I'm not sure I have these answers.
Who doesn't want to be more self assured - especially during a crisis? My priority is to be the best Dad I can be. To create a legacy for my kids to emulate. I don't want to be remembered for a beautiful home and weekends inside Home Depot.
I don't have dreams. I try to make the most of what is available daily. I am realizing all the trips in Outside Magazine I covet are likely now out of my reach. How do I balance my personal needs with those of my kids?
I don't consider myself selfish, but I have alot of other things to do before submitting to the status quo.
More about me...
My friends turned on me to advance their own social agendas when graduating to high school. I'm still pissed off about that. I was too skinny and self conscious to play football, but have spent the intervening years getting bigger and playing violent sports as an outlet for the rage. I'm mad. Always have been. Why don't f#ckers just follow the rules? I'm 42 and prefer metal to all other music. I have the capacity to love alot, but I don't trust. I am intensely loyal though once commmitted. It just takes some time to get there. I think I intimidate people with my physical presence sometimes.
I've earned an MBA and am employed by a great conservative company, I do the suit thing very well, but am uncertain about my path. I make a living with numbers, but am inspired by using my hands to make stuff - landscaping, furniture, art. My misgivings about my job have prevented me from being truly financially successful, but I do OK by many standards.
That should begin to color the picture a bit..