Are both his parents in a committed marriage and have no history of straying?
Infideilty is largely genetic... If the child comes from a stable home with no straying in the families history they are much more likley to be relaible than someone comign from a broken home rife with promiscuity in the history.
His parents are still together. No history of straying. I was his first and he was my first. Even as a student, he could get drunk and still be sober enough not to sleep with someone. As he said, there is no excuse for sleeping around.
He is extremely picky when it comes to women. No tattoos, no piercings, no "miles", no body hair, no freckles, etc. Picking up women is awkward, he doesn't like meeting women at bars, he is aware of the diseases, etc.
It took him a long time for him to ask me out. He was really shy. In fact, I asked him out first. He was always a really good guy and never strayed. Mutual friends were happy we found each other. We were good people who came from good families.
I felt he was really the one because he was a lot like me. Our morals were similar.
For as long as I knew him, his mom would only sing his praises. She often felt inferior because she didn't have a degree so she would always say that he was right. When his family made me uncomfortable, he would be afraid to confront his parents. He did once and his mother cried and said she was never going to visit us again. The women in the family often cried to get their way. His heart would hurt to see his mom cry and she often used that to her advantage. That's why I say he left me for them.
He handled setbacks by siding with them. He often sided with them because they would cry and I didn't.
They would guilt him into thinking that they were only trying to help and they often used death as a scare tactic. His father might die tomorrow or who will take care of his mom when the father dies. They hardly fought with each other because they might die. He would rather not argue to keep the peace. His father squandered a large sum my h's investment account. My h was upset but didn't say anything to his father.
Yup my older brother did the same thing.. Whenever there was conflict with myself and one of my sisters or myself and one of his buddies he sided with whomever cried the most... That was his idea of dispensing justice... Because of course whomever is crying the most is the one who experienced the most injustice right?
hardly.. He just was too damn spineless to make an honest analysis of the facts lol
Because of course whomever is crying the most is the one who experienced the most injustice right?
can i get a big UH-HUH!!
ok .. so allen a, is my h cheating on me? or was he just spineless?
you know, he parrots his parents and never seems to want to make a decision himself. everything was always up to me. and it almost seems like .. if it goes wrong, then i get blamed because the decision wasn't his.
the first thing he said to me when he dropped the d-bomb was .. "my parents don't think you treat me very nicely". and i'm thinking .. what do YOU think?
and then he said "my parents are starting to question my decision in marrying you.". and again, what do YOU think?
both questions, i never got an answer. so basically, i feel like he's d-ing me because mom and dad said so. and if he ends up alone and bitter, his parents will be the ones to blame and not him.
it's very unhealthy. he holds so much resentment. you can just see the inner turmoil. my parents were questioning my decision to marry my w. now i'm unhappy, alone, and old.
The thing is DFMil your H has issues, and until he addresses those your marriage is always going to be strained.
He may very well be unhappy with the marriage, but with the in law's involvement there's no way to lay blame on either of you.
The in laws are much like an affair wtih a third party interfering to the negative. I am sure you have heard this before.
Your H is terribly immature. There is a lot of emotional development that should take place in a person before they enter a marriage.... IF that development isn't there problems are going to arise...
Your H cannot manage conflict effectively in his life. He acts to suppress his discomfort rather than addressing the problem instead.
He cannot negotiate equally with someone else...
I don't know if he's compelled to please his parents or if they are just too involved in his life.
At this point he may be seeking out their advice but they are actively manipulating him as well or have been...
MIL he MAY end up having an affair when his parents pass away... THAT is my biggest concern right now here is that he is SO dependent on them emotionally right now that their loss is going to hit him so hard he won't be able to deal.
Particularly with his parents so heavily involved still I am wondering if he would even be willing to GO to family therapy...
You would need a really good FT that told his parents IN SESSION to lay off and let him live his own life
Lots of work there.
Him having an affair isnt' the biggest problem if he was... His parents are a much bigger problem. They would probably even support the affair if he started one would they not?
I don't think he would start an affair unless his parents endorsed it to be honest...
The in laws are much like an affair wtih a third party interfering to the negative. I am sure you have heard this before.
yes, i've always felt like there was another woman in our marriage and that was my mil.
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Your H is terribly immature. There is a lot of emotional development that should take place in a person before they enter a marriage.... IF that development isn't there problems are going to arise...
he felt i was the one who was immature. and then i listen to his arguments and i feel like i can't get into this argument because it'd be like arguing with a 3 yr old.
some vets who have heard me since day 1, has said that they felt that i was more like the 'h' in the marriage. i was more logical and i made decisions with my brain and not my heart. whereas my h made decisions based on emotion. even throughout the d, i have been steady/stable and less emotional in front of him. he has been very emotional. fighting over things like a child. throwing temper tantrums because he didn't get his way. it hurts to see the man i loved so much behave like this.
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Your H cannot manage conflict effectively in his life. He acts to suppress his discomfort rather than addressing the problem instead.
his father embarrassed me in public once. i was furious. and i let my h know. and my h did not want to confront his father. eventually he did and he was not happy about confronting his father. he would have rather i sucked it up.
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He cannot negotiate equally with someone else...
my l has asked me to negotiate my separation agreement with him. i am scared out of my mind. i know it will be like talking to a 3 yr old and even if i'm there to negotiate in good faith, i am concerned he will be emotionally riled up that we won't get anywhere. my l knows i want to reconcile. and he said this is your opportunity to test the waters after a separation period. if he is still the a*hole that he was, then at least you walk away knowing you tried.
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I don't know if he's compelled to please his parents or if they are just too involved in his life.
it's both. his mother is constantly telling him that he's all they have. they don't want to lose him. his father might die .. his father is living on borrowed time. you should be spending all of your time with us because we don't know how long we have to live.
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At this point he may be seeking out their advice but they are actively manipulating him as well or have been...
yes he has. he calls them every day. and they call him every day .. at all times of the day. it's like they are keeping tabs on him. when his mother was here to help him pack, she'd act like a high school girl and my h was her bf .. she'd run off and pout if her bf was talking to another girl (me). like grow up.
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MIL he MAY end up having an affair when his parents pass away... THAT is my biggest concern right now here is that he is SO dependent on them emotionally right now that their loss is going to hit him so hard he won't be able to deal.
i would have been his rock. i know his parents will pass. so will mine. and i know during those tough times, you need support. good support. i am also concerned that he may have an affair at that point.
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You would need a really good FT that told his parents IN SESSION to lay off and let him live his own life
he wasn't willing to go to mc. he went to ic to work out his issues but i don't think he's continued his sessions. you want to know how i found out about db.com? his ic told him about the divorce busting by michelle weiner-davis. he was also told to read the book 'tuesdays with morrie'. i don't think he's read them otherwise, he wouldn't have continued to behave the way he has.
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Him having an affair isnt' the biggest problem if he was... His parents are a much bigger problem. They would probably even support the affair if he started one would they not?
that would hurt me so much. what kind of parents would support their son in having an affair or multiple trysts like that?
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I don't think he would start an affair unless his parents endorsed it to be honest...
I have the exact problem from a practical sense than you you have, DfMIL, but oddly enough, same kind of consequences. My H's parents are barely involved in his life at all! You would think that would be a good thing, but because of that, H is so screwed in the head and emotionally immature, he doesn't know how to deal with conflict either. He doesn't know how to heal a relationship rather than running from it.
Like I've posted before, I decided the "whether there's an A or not an A" issue was not a big a deal as the bottom line issue of H's escapism behavior, and lack of commitment. Like you, I'm one of these truly committed people. Can't see myself dating, even if separated, just like you stated a couple of pages back. It would be wrong to me. On the other hand, H has the slightest feeling of "not being in love anymore" and he's looking for the quickest escape route! In your case, it's your In-laws. In my case, it was looking for old gf's and XBox for sure...and possibly an EA.
They're both running and need to face their issues.
if the issues are his and he's being immature, is this beyond db can fix?
like sunnyd, i wouldn't feel right dating. that would make me the cheater.
all i want to show my h is that he trust me before, he can trust me again. i'm still looking out for his best interest. yes, i accept his faults. i accept the slow emotional development, but i was always the friend he could rely on. whenever he needed me, i would come through. it didn't bother me that i made the decisions in the house. it was my strength so that was my contribution to the marriage. you can't have two chiefs who butt heads all the time.
i wanted what was best for us. i knew what it took to make a household run smoothly, i managed what finances i had access to and made sure we were okay, i can't control his father's access to his investment account. that's his play money .. he could do whatever he wanted with it. it didn't bother me as long as it didn't have a negative impact to my relationship with my h. and it didn't. despite the bad investments, we weren't plagued with money problems.
it wasn't until now that you realize the negative impact it will have on me. his father lost h's money and now i am responsible for sharing that debt? he wants to d me and stick me with half of his debt. this i have a problem with. when we were married, we were a team. for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. if he is disbanding this team, why should i be responsible for sharing this debt that i didn't incur? maybe i should have put my foot down on his father's stupid trades because now, i am on the hook for it.
it sucks. but you can't change the cards you're dealt but how you play them is up to you.
