What is it really? Here lies snakes. Do you see it? Is the "dig" healthy at this stage of your life? Drop the rope so you can handle it no matter how he responds.
because it is coach asking, i'll be honest about this one ..
although part of me would be okay if he found someone else, i wouldn't be able to handle it. i have no proof .. just my own intel but you hear so many people on this board say that if 99.99% of the people here have a WAS involved with OP. even those who say there isn't, is in denial.
yes, i can't control who he sees. but a whole bunch of snakes cover my brain.
... if he's seeing someone now, how do i know it wasn't going on before the d-bomb was dropped? how could *I* have been so stupid? so blind? so naive? and just so so stupid?!
... how do i know there wasn't more? ... i could never take someone like back. i read allen_a's earlier posts and he's right that even if you take them back, you will not want to be near your WAS because you can't stop picturing them with OP. you feel like your spouse is "dirty" or 'tarnished' with the OP's germs and then it cycles again .. how do you know he won't do it again? how could you be so naive? and did i mention how stupid can i be?
so when i try to form my statements .. i often end up saying stuff like .. my l wanted me to talk to you about our separation agreement. it looks like you're likely to owe me $10k. i know you want to move on with your new piece of trash gf so i was wondering whether we can work out a deal?
dumpling, that's mind-reading! i scratch that .. and restart.
i wanted to know if you were interested in working out the separation agreement ourselves without our ls because it's in our best interest to minimize the legal fees. are you okay with that? i figure if we come to an agreement ourselves, we can hurry this along.. as i'm sure you're anxious to d-file so you can stop making secret rendez-vous trips with your new skank.
again, that's mind reading!! i scratched that too.
infidelity is the ultimate betrayal for me. because i had full trust in him. and you know what the real kicker is, coach? i'm only admitting this to you ..
and that is .. that i can't stop competing. and being cheated on, feels like i lost. it's like losing face. how was i so stupid to not see this coming? why am i coming out of this looking like the idiot who didn't even know her h was cheating on her? i can't believe i was tricked into believing he was trustworthy?
you know what else i'm afraid of? that my dad will have another hurtful comment for me. that i was so stupid that someone actually tricked me into giving them my "flower". it's the whole "he tricked you into having sex and you fell for it, you dumb whore." it's the reason why i have not told my father about my separation. i didn't really cry over the d-bomb. but i have cried a few times in fear of going home. i chose not to go home because i didn't want my father to kick me while i was already down. i told my mom to let me stay away for the next year while i heal. when i am back on my feet, and my father deals me a blow, it might not hurt as much. but please don't make me go home when i am already on my knees.
i had no reason to believe my h is or was cheating. even now, i don't really have any leads. but when you read some posters say things like "99.99% of the LBSs are being cheated on whether they know it or not". so .. is my head really buried in the sand? is that happening to me and i'm just really naive? if i stay in my naive mindframe, and it ends up being true ... then i will feel like i lost.
so that sore loser anger takes over .. and i dig at him to say .. i know you are cheating on me, don't hide it from me, you are busted. you couldn't keep that a secret from me. i figured it out!
it's like trying to one-up him.
now .. vets, please don't jump on me. what i just did above, was not meant to be a 'crazy' post. i basically told you word-for-word what goes through my mind and why this infidelity thing bothers me so much.
you did it again, coach. you are making me open up about my fears.
i've started a thread with allen_a to figure out whether my h has that infidelity gene in him. it might calm my fears.
i read the quote about the 50 signs of infidelity and 90% of the things listed don't apply to my h. 9% of it checks out fine. the remaining 1% is unknown.
his friends and colleagues don't believe he would cheat or find someone else. when he says he'd rather be alone, he would. he's not a womanizer, far too picky about women (but not gay), and just too shy.
but from this board, if i don't believe he's left me for OW, then i have my head buried in the sand. do i?
