I think, through all this, I've held on to the belief that deep down inside my H still loved me. How could he not? I've been and done everything for him. We've had a lovely family,looking forward to retirement, etc.
It just suddenly become so apparent that he doesn't give a tinker's damn about me or anyone else. That's not anger, just fact. No matter what my intelligent mind tells me is true, don't we all just think "What is wrong with me? Why doesn't he love me?" No, I can't control him. No, I can't fix him. No, I can't make him love me anymore.
Instead of standing for my marriage, I'm just holding out for benefits because that's all I have to hang onto anymore. What does that make me?
What does that make you? It makes you someone who has stepped up to the plate and thinks about what's best for herself. Nobody else is going to at this point.
Your H is away on the Mothership and won't be back for some time, if ever. Do what you have to do to take care of you.
I, too, wonder how my H seemed to just flip a switch and no longer loves or cares for me. How he could just leave us for 3 days w/o water because of problems with the well. Let his 2 boys struggle day and night with it. Thank God for some very wonderful friends who helped get it fixed.
Thank you SA, I know you mean well, but right now I feel like a total failure. All that the man that I've loved for 21 years wants more than anything in the world is to be away from me. I realize all the rationalizations. My friends tell me I'm so strong. I don't want to be strong anymore. I want my life back. Even the fantasy one I had created where my husband wasn't a drunk, psychologically damaged veteran who put his career before me every time. I don't know what stage this is for the LBS, but is sucks, believe me.
Let's call it a pity party. I'm trying to drink myself to pass out - doesn't take much, about a six pack, so I don't have to feel anymore. My husband doesn't want anything else from me but a signature to buy another home with the OW, free of me. Everything that we hoped and planned for for years is ashes. I don't feel like I matter anymore. I'm just a burdon he wants to be rid of. Right now, I feel that way myself.
Punkin - So sorry for the rough spot! Completely empathize with the thoughts, feelings, pain. If a drink helps out ~ do it. If reading and re-reading and re-reading the sane resources here help you then do it. Whatever it takes! You will get through this - give yourself space and time to read the papers. You are in control of you:) Thinking of you! IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I know what you mean, I am sure we ALL know what you mean! I, too, have thought that I DON'T WANT TO BE STRONG! I WANT my life back the way it was no matter how imperfect it was! But...knowing now, what you didn't know then, would you REALLY want all that back? Really?
You said that H thinks you are a burden that he just wants to be rid of...have you ever gotten pissed off at a messy drawer or closet and decide to clean it out and throw things away only to find that one day you are looking for something and remember that you threw it away???
You know this stuff punkin!
Do what you need to do tonight! Wallow... And then tomorrow, get back to living and taking care of you! You are a cheap drunk btw!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I love you all for the support. Me being a cheap drunk, comes by way of an alcoholic sister who died in part because of her choice of men.
I know I need a 2 x 4 slapped upside my head, but I'm as down as I've ever been in my life. I'm 3/4 drunk and know that the man that I love doesn't love me, and probably never will again. The person I built my life around doesn't want me, or our life. My whole life is a joke! I don't want to fight this fight. I'd rather curl up and die. I've been kicked to the curb like a dirty tissue, and that's all I mean to him. All I can hope for is that this holds out til November so that I have fuckin health insurance. That's what I have to show for 20 years of love and devotion. I can hold out for the better deal in the divorce, but it doesn't change the worthless way I feel. I'm just a failure at anything that really matters in life.
Please forgive me for the self pitying rant, but I'm having a very hard time tonight. I guess I realize for the first time just how little I matter to my husband. Right now, a new day, a brighter plan, doesn't mean very much to me. I could die and he wouldn't care other than to collect the life insurance. Not a lot to show for 20 years, it is?
In no way is this a failure on your part. Do you really think you could have done something to stop your H from going off the deep end?
I've felt the same way you have, still do occasionally. You came to the right place to fall apart. We allow that here, but not for long. You have to pick yourself up, dust off and continue to move forward.
Oh, and I spoke too soon about my well situation. All is not well with the well and my H's new name is f##ktard.
Don't give up on God because he never gave up on you..:) Don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. When you do, ask yourself if you gave it your best shot because the best things in life don't come free.♥ ~Have a wonderful and blessed day! GOD LOVES YOU
This was on my Facebook! This is for all of us!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hi punkin! thinking of you I'm sorry you are going through this He's head is not in the REAL world, in the REAL world, nobody can switch off emotions after such a long relationship together. NO ONE, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND. He's clearly NOT in his right mind Just KEEP REMEBERING THAT!!! Its temporary emotional insanity...It will get you through YOU are not the problem, not matter HOW HAPPY he looks, its not reality, no matter how REAL it looks to YOU. REMEMBER its NOT
Sorry for all the caps...just feel strongly right now!
He's head is not in the REAL world, in the REAL world, nobody can switch off emotions after such a long relationship together. NO ONE, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND. He's clearly NOT in his right mind 