I completely understand what you're saying. There are many factors which make us more likely to D. Off the top of my head I've read - If one person is more educated than the other; big differences in income; etc...
I was only playing devil's advocate and have only my experience to go on, as you have yours. I don't discount anything that is pointed out because I never know when something someone says kicks me into something that puts me on a path I need to be on.
So I wasn't trying to show your POV as being somehow wrong because I don't feel that way. I'm finding there are so many ways to look at something and any side of an issue can be argued.
I thought about this today - the WAS can be talked into seeing their behavior differently than do about as much as we could have been talked into seeing how our behavior was affecting them. I know for myself, I was asleep and my W did bring it up a few times (trouble in the M) but she is now, I was in my own fog.
We're asking them to do what we didn't do. It doesn't change anything and it's just an observation.
The fact of the matter is this - If I was my W I would be doing exactly what she's doing. I would have her emotions, thoughts, past experience, childhood upbringing, her issues, her abilities, etc... If she were me, she'd be doing exactly what I'm doing.
We can't help but do the things we do. We can look back and make changes today based on what we see 'back there', but we'll still be doing what we're doing right now. I'm doing everything I'm doing based on the totality of me up until this point. Hopefully I grow and learn and the totality of me improves. Isn't it the same for all of us?
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Kerry - I hope you weren't pointing out that your W and her OM are an example of a huge age difference marriage that "works"? Heavens, they've only been married less than a year, right? I would bet money that he will end up dead before their relationship ever has a chance to find out what will really happen between them. In other words, yuck - they are not an example (in my book). How are you anyway? Do you have a current thread still?
And Steady - no problem, I know you weren't disagreeing. And I agree that all points of view are helpful, even if not at first. It is always helpful to at least hear a different point of view, even if at first when you hear it, it doesn't seem to apply to you.
To CD - when I posted to you, I was making an educated guess about your wife and her feelings and thoughts, both now and in the future. I still believe that even if you were to reconcile, she will eventually leave again. Her immature behavior now will likely follow her throughout her life. Some immature women gravitate toward older men, but usually only for a given amount of time. Then they gravitate toward younger and younger men. Eventually, these women end up old, still chasing younger men, although not really cougars, just still immature. Not saying your wife is one of these, but she does have the symptoms.
You live your life conditionally and you will eventually be a victim of it.
You are in complete denial TG... You are no different than the rest of us. No matter what you want to believe and no matter how hard you try, one can NOT keep giving unconditional love and get nothing back. If they do they are silly. No matter how hard we try, if you are not treated back with some type of love, it goes STRAIGHT into your memory bank. As time goes on those memories keep adding up.
So it is actually quite the opposite of what you say you believe. it is the one who tries to say they are loving unconditionally who will eventually be the victims. (as this thread is pointing out by who is sounding like victims. It is the ones talking about unconditional love that are whining and talking about "just keep on loving them guys".... Someone, somewhere, somehow and someway will try and take advantage of that person. The person who DOES have conditions DOES get what they give. They get back respect because they don't tolerate disrespect. You get back nothing because that is all you require is nothing. So yes, you get what you give so to speak.
Quote:
What I believe I meant when I said my vows.
That is what being a man means to me.
So you married your wife and she didn't love you and you didn't care whether she did or not huh? It doesn't matter to you whether she loves you or not?????
Who are you trying to kid? I think you are trying to sound a little self righteous.I am always interested to see men suddenly become so self righteous AFTER their wives leave and who didn't seem to honor and cherish her so awful much before the bomb. Suddenly they start preaching about honor, love and committment when they ignored the wife and let thing go to hell in the relationship and didn't wake up to this "unconditional love" preaching UNTILI the wife wanted out. Now listen to them.
You are sounding like a bunch of high school girls here... You are out of your mind if you for one second really believe that you can keep on giving love to a person without getting anything back in return and really really believe that you don't want or need anything back???
i dont know. the bunch of high school girls who just ate me out of house and home said they would dump a guy as soon as they found out he was seeing someone else. too many other fish in the sea to waste your time on a sucker, they agreed.
i dont know. the bunch of high school girls who just ate me out of house and home said they would dump a guy as soon as they found out he was seeing someone else. too many other fish in the sea to waste your time on a sucker, they agreed.
YEP... Total agreement.. My daughter STILL has a guy that has loved her "unconditionally" for about 5 years now and running. Behind his back, she laughs at him and wonders when he is going to get the message. He just never gives up....
Now, she NEVER tells him straight out.. (women seldom do)..
I now wonder if maybe he is just giving unconditional love and really doesn't care if she loves him back or not. He has just chosen her to be the lucky person to receive his love. Might as well be her since he doesn't care one way or another if she loves him back huh?
I have always had much success with women..... I WANT some type of reciprocation if I am going to be giving my love to a woman. Call me selfish, but I would really hope she would give me her total love back and be faithful... Call me selfish but if she had an affair, then I would pull my love away from her faster than a speeding bullet. Seems a waste of time to love somebody and get nothing when you can love somebody AND get love back. I guess some people think that being a martyr makes them feel better about themself.
Some guys just don't get it and will continue on wondering why they never get the woman and KEEP her.
Now, she NEVER tells him straight out.. (women seldom do)..
Nothing like a good gender stereotype to get a few people riled up! Give me a break. My H couldn't tell it like it is to save his life. Hello current sitch!
CD, honestly you seem to get it. There is a major difference between unconditional love and unconditional marriage. I love my H unconditionally, but I won't stay married to him unconditionally. I set boundaries. And honestly, fairly recently. It's up to you to decide how to handle it. You can take the chest-thumping, man-up advice ... or you can choose a different path. It's up to you. I haven't read your whole sitch. But I can tell you this... I believe in boundaries. When YOU are ready for them. When YOU are ready to live with the consequences of setting and enforcing them. Because trust me dude, the consequences can be severe and swift.
Focus on you. Become the man you want to be ... regardless of how this plays out. Anybody can do a Tarzan impersonation and beat on their chest ... but not everyone can love someone the way they need to be loved as opposed to the way we want to love them.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Kerry - I hope you weren't pointing out that your W and her OM are an example of a huge age difference marriage that "works"? Heavens, they've only been married less than a year, right? I would bet money that he will end up dead before their relationship ever has a chance to find out what will really happen between them. In other words, yuck - they are not an example (in my book). How are you anyway? Do you have a current thread still?
Sorry for the highjack CD. Hi DQ - You may be right about their R not working out fully because of his deterioration from father time. They have indeed been married only 8 months (on Maui). As I remember, you got married on Kauai about the time I was there with the kids last summer. I hope everything is going still great with you and your H.
My life post D is going smooth with the typical challenges of raising kids. My company moved a few blocks away across from the Home Depot. I have a thread, but I dont post to it anymore. I had a nice date tonight at Aquariva (near Spaghetti Factory) with a lady who is the same age as myself. I have been seeing her for the last 4 or 5 months. We enjoy each others company a lot and never really talk about pushing further on to deepen our relationship. This time around, I have a lot less expectations and just enjoy the time together.
The thing I don't get is how can you tell someone else what they're experience is or was?
You're speaking from your own experience. Is it possible there are things and experiences that you haven't had yet?
I love my parents. They're dead. Obviously they're not giving me anything back. I love my kids. I give them 1000 and maybe get a 10 back. Probably will be like that for a long time. I don't just love them when they behave the way I want them to.
Listen, I'll love you as long as you behave the way I want you to. If you don't, well, then I'm gonna snatch it back up. My kids cross the boundaries all the time. There's a difference between the person and their behavior. I can see that.
I'm not talking about whether you will be with that person who crosses your boundaries. Sometimes I walk away from my kids and tell them I won't play with someone who behaves the way they are...but I don't stop loving them.
You can love someone and let them go. You can love someone and divorce them.
None of us are the end all be all of experience and knowledge. There will always be something else.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
