Whoaaa... I need to catch up here! Wow, a few busy days with school and concentrating on my own sitch and now I'm lost in this philosophical battle.
I guess I've been more of a hybrid person too, between the Tough Love/Affair Busting approach. Of course, that's mainly because I could prove no affair and yet I felt something was not quite right.
I agree, CD, it's hard to know which approach to take when, esp. when both are self-respecting and seem right. In my case, I just try to evaluate each interaction/decision and ask, "What's the self-respecting thing to do here," and go with it. Allen has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. The weekend retreat was more of a hybrid approach too, I believe. Each scenerio is different, that's for sure.
I do believe that once you go the Letting Go route you really can't go back. Well, if the WAS decides to want back in, then that's the only case.
CD - I am sorry to jump in on your thread when you probably don't know who I am ... and I rarely post any more but ... I wanted to comment on the age issue.
I know you said that you "thought long and hard" about whether you were marrying "her" or "a 25 year old"...however, the problem in this scenario is that most 25 year olds cannot think long and hard about the future. Regardless of their maturity level, they simply do not have the life experience to be able to project into the future and know how they might feel.
I'm sorry to add my thoughts here, because I know you are not going to like this and it might hurt (so (((((here's some hugs))) in advance)....but it probably would be best to let her go on her way. Now, she may still come back around eventually, on her own. But...as gently as I can say it...even if she does come back, she will likely leave again in the future. No matter what she may have said about the age issue when you married her, she is going to feel different when she is 45 and you are 63. She might have thought it wouldn't matter to her, but it will.
Can you at least just think about this suggestion, without letting it rock your world or your DB-ing? Can you just let it be one of the many suggestions you have received here, and try to give it some of your mental real estate without it freaking you out?
I would hate to see you reconcile, only to have her leave again in the future...
Ironically, our discussion back then (and I still believe it) is that an 18 year gap is of LARGER impact when you are younger than older. 28 to 41 is a much larger difference "in personal growth and life expecttion" than 45 to 63.
But I do appreciate your suggestion. The biggest reason I would let her go is to speed my recovery and get on with my life. I don't have as much time to "waste' as she does, mathematically.
DanceQueen, I really can appreciate where you are coming from. I'd like to address what you wrote. Let me preface it by saying I don't think you're wrong. What you wrote is a potential of many possibilities.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
CD - I am sorry to jump in on your thread when you probably don't know who I am ... and I rarely post any more but ... I wanted to comment on the age issue.
I know you said that you "thought long and hard" about whether you were marrying "her" or "a 25 year old"...however, the problem in this scenario is that most 25 year olds cannot think long and hard about the future. Regardless of their maturity level, they simply do not have the life experience to be able to project into the future and know how they might feel.
In reality none of us can project into the future to figure out how we're going to feel. All we do is take how we are feeling now and project that into the future and assume we will feel the same. I say this is nonsense. How we feel about something always changes.
How many people on this board pre-bomb were absolutely convinced an A was a complete deal breaker? Then when it happens they actually feel different. I once said when a woman wants to leave I'll just let her go. Well, I didn't have kids then and the only experience I had was in R and not a marriage. I know 25 year olds who have more wisdom than some 50 year olds and vice versa. Blanket statements never work.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
I'm sorry to add my thoughts here, because I know you are not going to like this and it might hurt (so (((((here's some hugs))) in advance)....but it probably would be best to let her go on her way. Now, she may still come back around eventually, on her own. But...as gently as I can say it...even if she does come back, she will likely leave again in the future. No matter what she may have said about the age issue when you married her, she is going to feel different when she is 45 and you are 63. She might have thought it wouldn't matter to her, but it will.
Is she leaving him for the age difference? It's impossible to know for sure. She may have a subconscious reason that's based on age and even she wouldn't even know it. Again, this is trying to predict the future. I have never read any studies on the probability of 20 year age difference M survivability, but that means nothing also. Who is going to tell you for certain which percentage you are going to be in?
Divorce seems to be a 50/50 gamble. How would anyone know beforehand which side of the equation they will end up on? I couldn't have ever guessed how I would feel at 45 when I was 25. I can say perhaps this is how you think you might feel in that situation, but you wouldn't know unless you married someone 20 years your senior, then got to the age of 45, then tell us. But even then, that would only be your experience.
Originally Posted By: DanceQueen
Can you at least just think about this suggestion, without letting it rock your world or your DB-ing? Can you just let it be one of the many suggestions you have received here, and try to give it some of your mental real estate without it freaking you out?
I would hate to see you reconcile, only to have her leave again in the future...
DanceQueen
I'm sure there are many instances of big age differences working out wonderfully and other instances where it doesn't. I'm a firm believer you can find proof of anything if you are looking for it.
Couldn't we say something similar to everyone on this board? You know, they walked away from you once, you may reconcile just to have them walk away from you again. They've already shown they are capable of it. I know you think you can forgive them for having an affair but you really never will. It will always be there in the back of your head hovering like a hammer ready to drop.
There are no guarantees in life one way or another. (Except for the obvious)
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
CD - thanks for responding, and for (hopefully) not taking too hard what I had said.
Steady - of course you are right, your point is 100% valid. None of us know how we will feel or think in the future. We are all basically at risk of the 50/50 issue, as you said. Also as you said, we don't know that Mrs. CD left because of age or if it was even a factor in her walking away (as CD hasn't even mentioned her ever saying anything about this, that I recall from his posts).
I made my comments based purely on my own "knowledge" on the matter, which is very subjective and I can't point to any data. But here is the basis of my "knowledge": I am addicted to relationship websites, and DB is only one of them. Other relationship websites I frequent are about building great marriages, dating, men/women communication issues, "the rules" (a chick dating thing), and I even try to get in on some men's websites, to see what they are thinking and doing.
Over the years, I have read about literally 1,000's of relationships, marriages, divorces, affairs, dates, getting dumped, one night stands, on and on...you name it, I've read about it, many times over.
When you've read about that many people's personal experiences, you begin to see patterns.
One of the patterns I've seen is that sincere, honest, but older men who marry younger women (ie: not older men that typically chase younger women just for the thrill of it, but rather, men who sincerely want a happy marriage with a woman and end up with a younger one) very frequently get dumped. It is just a pattern I've seen over and over. There are many other patterns, and we can't ever predict what will happen - as you are saying. I don't want to squash CD's hopes at all, of course. But ... it is still worth noting the pattern, as it is very prevalent.
As you said...there are no guarantees....and I hope for CD's sake that the pattern I've mentioned does not apply to him, and that he can end up happy after all of this, no matter what happens to his marriage, either way, I wish you the best, CD.
but I DO think you can set firm boundaries, frame the choices more accurately and with more moral clarity than they are in their current fogged-out condition
I agree Pup.
My point is (and Steady echoed it) there is a fine line between guiding and controling/knowing what is best for them.
We do that through boundaries.
And our own actions.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I was a little over 10 years older than my XW. Her rich OM (now H) is 31 years older than her. He just turned 70 this last July and is only 2 weeks younger than my mom. And get this... when they met at a bar, he told her that he was 10 years younger than he actually was. I was the one to show her the information I gleaned to prove he was a lier from the start. But, age is not a big factor wth gold diggers and older guys desiring trophy wives. There once was a girl named Anna Nicole....
"But, age is not a big factor wth gold diggers and older guys desiring trophy wives."...which is why I was trying to say that CD's case is different in that way, he wasn't wanting a trophy wife and she wasn't a gold digger...however, unfortunately, from what I've read, his dynamic rarely works out and usually the husband is the one who is hurt.
