Trying to respond to everything you posted since yesterday. On advice of a friend I'll take a risk to be more detailed and hope he doesn't find it this time.
Originally Posted By: Susan1Survivor
So..you are leaving before the drop dead date? I am thinking of doing this myself. Being in La La Limboland is too hard. Some may say I might be not letting enough time go by to see if DB can work to stop the split, but signs are H won't change his mind. Yes, there have been a few good signs, but I do believe today, the die has been cast. After all, H is a logical engineer and I am not sure I can be logical enough to change his mind! Plus, part of our problems are lack of a physical R and H says I am post menopausal and not interested in that.H says he needs and wants that. It's not true I don't. How can a W wish to be close to her H when she feels she doesn't like her or love her? H doesn't get that part.
Some people think that the LBS leaving actually can spark a change. I don't know. But yes, I have to leave before then b/c if I wait til that date, I can't live here anymore. Long story. And apartments in my price range close to H's house are very hard to find so I found one and put a deposit down. Am scared out of my mind about it. I never wanted this.
I will tell you that after it seemed totally hopeless, she had sex with her H again, many times, after this. It was kind of a fluke at first, but she tried dressing up and going out (w/out him), which piqued his interest, went to some sex toy parties and let him know she bought stuff, appeared in her lingerie one morning that she'd slept in (used to sleep in sweats and bought some prettier, sexier stuff to sleep in and just let him notice - e.g., this stuff was all for her but could benefit him too, she hinted, but didn't say. And it made her feel more attractive too). Eventually he made some comments and she let him know she was interested in sex with NO expectations from him about the R. Pursuaded him that she had "needs" too, which he didn't believe at first, but he had felt so rejected and unloved that eventually he didn't question it anymore, just did it. If she can bring him back to bed, so can you. It seemed impossible at the time. They're in limbo now too, but that was a step that didn't seem like it would ever work. She had fears about him thinking she was manipulative too, but it didn't end up meaning much after awhile.
Quote:
I may see if I can move up my surgery date. If so, I can be out when I decide to be out. Not really comfortable with having H dictate how all should progress.
That could be a good idea unless there's another reason to wait? If you need time to find a place to live, tell him you're keeping the Nov date, having surgery early, and when recouperated, going apartment hunting and will leave earlier than Nov if you can.
Quote:
Personally, I really am uncomfortable being an invisible W.H told me we are separated right now. I am starting to feel as if I need to move on. I think maybe you and I will feel stronger if we leave at a date of our choosing. Do you feel that way, NB??
Somewhat, yes. And my H is going out, I don't know what he's doing or who he's with but he considers us separated in a lot of ways too, so he'd probably think it wasn't cheating to hook up with someone now, whereas I cannot live with him anymore if he does that. So I'm scared to make the move, but think I will do it- yes on my own schedule. Partly b/c of apt availability here and partly b/c it's getting harder to live with him and his passive-aggressiveness.
Btw on the L- please go consult some on your own now. Most charge either a nominal fee or nothing for 30-60 min. Make sure you've got all your tax returns, financial records, etc (ask them what you should bring). You do not need to tell H you're doing this- but you do need to protect yourself. He might've done it already and not told you. I would not use the same L unless you think mediation is going to work for you but even then, you need your own L to run the final agreement by before you sign anything. This is becoming a business deal, remember? You'd never agree to divide up a corporation by using the same L or not consulting someone who only has YOUR interests in mind.
