tired of this

[A_goodman]

Well, Detant continues.

Actually, that's not entirely accurate. There have been skirmishes along the DMZ, but no indications that major action is imminant.

We went to MC. Discussed more about what we actually saw in each other at the beginning and how the way we were satisfied some inner need...BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I have been impressed with the therapist at times. He's laid back and unassuming, but there have been flashes of brilliance. But now I'm starting to see where he's going with all this. He's methodically steering her towards making value comparisons. By exploring our R historically, and trying to make us examine why we got and stayed together, and where we came from, he's subliminally causing her to weigh things from a different angle. He's sneaky. I like him.

Everytime I have questioned his motives or the relevance of a particular line of questions (mostly becaue I was impatient), he would give me very vague and non-committal answers, sprinkled with enough psychobabble to appeal to her proffesionally. It would frustrate me and delight her. But the man is actually on my side! Or the luckiest SOB that ever stumbled back-assward into a winning strategy.

Still not talking much about MY needs, but I think that's probably not the immediate problem. It makes sense to fix the hole in the hull and get the ship righted before you worry about how to get back under way.

She is usually more keen than I about intentions, but I think the fog has her off her game. If she saw it, she'd probably try and outflank his efforts. Or just quit going.

Of course, I didn't see all this before I really refflected on it. So like a dope I got suckered into a discussion on the way home. She was sad. A new tactic. I never saw it coming. She started talking about the emotional honesty thing again, which I accused her of projection on in MC. It was the only time I lost any composure there, but I did get defensive for about a minute before I got my head straight and clamped my cool back on.

It was set off by her saying I didn't get it and MC explaining that she felt that I had fooled her. So I lost it and asked REALLY?! Who's the fool? I indicated that she was as guilty or more of the same thing because - here we sit. How did that happen? By her letting me know she was unhappy and falling out of love for 10 years? NO. By her never letting me see her vulerabilities and always telling me she was Happy and Loved me. Then I knew I was below the hard deck and relaxed. Still, it was just proof that I still have a ways to go.

Anyway, in the car, she got really sad and I fell right in. We talked a while and she said she was really upset about my lack of trust. I tried to be empithetic, but also stood my ground. Then she swung around and I was caught broadside. It was too late and I was in too far. She went on about how all I had to go on was her E-mail and FB acct. Hammered me pretty good about it. Of course she suckered me. Here I was in an open, caring state of mind and WHAM! So I wheeled hard over and opened up back on her. Told her she was out of her mind if she thought that that was it. How about the EA? What about all the going out? Or that you never come home on time? OR the F-ing money? She "ain't all there" as the cowboys would say. She tried again to say that the money was no big deal. I asked her if she ever heard of financial infidelity. It was deceitful and duplicitous and would not engender any trust in any person older than a five year old. You get the picture. She balks at my transparency boundary. Said she is NOT going to give up 100% of her privacy. I told her I was open to that. Told her: "Ok. You go find another way to re-build the trust you destroyed. Do the research like I have, and come up with another solution and I will look forward to working on it with you. I don't know of another way, but if you find one or MC can propose one, I'll do it. gladly."

Then I realized I was again out of cool and started dialing myself back. She got quiet too. She went back to the sad demeanor she started out in. I wasn't biting anymore, but I do believe she is sad. I think she sees this as an impasse and is retreating further into herself. Later, after I went to get the kids, she was on the bed and had been crying. This is a VERY rare event. I sat next to her for a while. She hugged me. as per my policy of only RETURNING affection, I hugged her back.

Then something really weird happened. She leaned back and looked deep into my eyes and eventually whispered "I just have to do this" I figured that this was it. The weird thing is, I was remarkably calm. I waited a couple of seconds and said: "Ok. when?" She looked puzzeled so I asked her what she meant and she replied that she meant she just has to feel her feelings. Oops. She asked what I meant, and I just said I misunderstood her and went to give the boys showers.

It's been a quiet, uneasy couple of days. She's down. It hurts to see her in pain, but I'm glad that there are at least some feelings there. I figure she's either coming to a decision or starting to feel the results of her actions. IDK. I can't mind read. (ok, ok. More than I have)

Going to TX with the kids for a few days on Sat. It's going to be good to get away for a while. Going to relax and try not to think about any of this.