My story is this, we have had a rollercoaster ride our entire marriage. We have stressful jobs that require travel. On July 11th I was in dire pain due to cyst in tailbone. I am the one who takes care of our son when I'm home, I do the cooking, cleaning, and caring of our son. This day I told her that I needed a break due to the pain I was in. I started drinking to help out with the pain and I got drunk.
In May I had found some texts from other men in her phone saying "I love you" but she didn't respond to them. I was felt so betrayed and asked her about it. She said it wasn't meant for her but then I found another from back in February recently that she had responded to. She said I was taking it out of context.
Back to this day we had gotten in a fight about this again because I could not let go of it. Our son is 20 months old and obviously a hand full. I asked her why she wasn't helping me out with him and she just frowned at me. Later in the evening after to much drinking I went upstairs to the bedroom and we got into an argument again. I grabbed her wrists and called her a really bad name. She was scared, and called the cops. I went to detention for 12 hours. This has never happened ever in our relationship. I to this day am so hurt and dissapointed in myself for lack of control that I'm very ashamed. I have not drank a drop since, attended AA, and read everything I can get my hands on.
In every fight we have ever had verbally, she always brings up the D word. That is her way of defense. She left once before for three days but returned home on her own and wanted to try. This was three years ago. I felt the best part of our marriage was the pregnancy but she says I wasn't there for her. Since the arrival of our son I have gotten up every single day that I'm home and taken care of him. I'm a pilot and travel about 14 days a month, the other 16 I am the complete caretaker. She just plays with him while I do the dirty work of the house.
Anyway back to present day, she was gone by the time I got out of detention but left a note. We talked briefly and she wanted to bring my son back home to me the next day. I have had him in my care for 20 of 25 days since this happened. She has worked and played. Spent a week on vacation with her "friends" for her birthday while I was home with our son. This was supposed to have been a vacation for both, but she wouldn't take me do to the circumstances.
I have spent the last three and half weeks reflecting, reading, remaining sober, talking to friends, and taking care of my son. I have written apology letters to her and her family for my actions, and I have tried to show by actions not words that I will never touch another drink. I know its only been three plus weeks but she says its over and she doesn't love me at all. She still comes to the house from time to time to see our son but then she leaves. She will not even tell me where she is staying as its in another town with a coworker. I have sent flowers, purchased diamond ear rings, and tried all the begging and pleading. Obviously this hasn't worked. I have dropped 15 plus pounds of weight due to not eating. All of our friends in our local town think I should let her go because she never supported the household, never did anything to help out and was only a Mom when she had to be. I know she loves our son, but she seems to be more concerned with herself. I take full responsibility for my actions on that horrible night but I fear that we were going to blow up anyway at some point because of all the built up frustrations.
I have recently saw texts in her phone from her ex boyfriend stating that she hoped their paths crossed again and that she was thinking of him. I would like to believe that my wife has never cheated on me, but it appears that she has had thoughts. I know she at least has had an emotional affair.
I spoke with a divorce coach yesterday and I'm to the last resort technique of backing off and giving her space. Its hard as hell to do. I have spoken to her multiple times a day for 6 years. We have son together and she keeps him while I'm at work and we have to talk. I'm so lost. I know I have jumped all over the place in this posting but the bottom line is this. I love my wife, I stood before God and made a VOW. I love my family and I want my son to have both parents. I have provided for her and him. Right now she says I dont love you at all.
Please help me. I do not want to raise my son alone and right now thats what it feels like I'm doing.
