Thanks for dropping by. I learned a lot from Sandi as well. She hasn't been on my thread much but I've found her stuff all over the forum and saved it to my 'excerpt' document.
I've progressed exponentially over the last month.
hoping to keep that trend going as now the TIME is to my benefit. It allows me to slow down and learn thoroughly.
Why are you with a woman 20 years younger than you?
Why are you holding on so tight to a woman 20 years younger than you....???
You and I both know that you can't have very much in common with a woman so much younger.. I know it was good for the ego when she loved you, but a mature man should have known that you are asking for nothing but heartache to marry a woman who is in her twenties when you are in your forties.....
You talk about doing what is best for the one you love. Wouldn't it be best for her to be with a man her age? or at least close to her age... Quit holding onto this so tightly...
Same goes for you. You should be with someone your age. You know that and I know that. Don't try to tell me "age has nothing to do with it" because it DOES....
Or do you only want to hear and talk about "unconditional love" and "her being in a fog" and other things that give you false hope?????
New business in town!! "Gucci's Lumber Delivery" It's free but we drop it on your head!!
Thank you my friend. I was clearly getting carried away with the theory of love rather than the situation at hand.
I will admit that it did help dissipate the anger. It did clear my head. But it took me off task.
Originally Posted By: Gucci's Lumber Delivery
..get back to reality... Women do NOT respect a man who acts and talks like you... are talking and acting. You are the men that get the "he is such a nice guy, but I only want him as a friend." Time to put some CONDITIONS on your love guys... My love IS conditional and I am proud of it. I can name a number of things that my wife could do that would be the start of divorce proceedings on my end.. One of them is having an affair. I don't share. She is wise to that condition of my love and agreed to it when we married.
Don't really have time to reply to your post in the detail that it deserves, but suffice to say that I'm defining "help" as "giving it my very best attempt to affair-bust ("separate the addict from the source of their addiction") before completely letting them go.
I was disagreeing with what I felt was Truegritter's rather passive, fatalistic approach, of what I would characterize as "There's nothing I can really do to control nor even guide them." No, I don't think we can CONTROL our wayward spouses, but I DO think you can set firm boundaries, frame the choices more accurately and with more moral clarity than they are in their current fogged-out condition (Allen has some exceptional posts on this subject), and if I'm going to err, I'd like to err on the side of "If I'm the ONE guy who actually has the marriage's (and the family's) best interests at heart currently, then by God I should be more actively setting the agenda for the potential endgame of my own marriage, and the destruction of my intact family."
Gucci's/Rob's approach, I would place on one end of the spectrum: "Let them go."
On the other, I would place Allen's "Damn-the-torpedos, affair-bust-your ass-off" methods.
This is the most difficult thing I have had to read.
Originally Posted By: Gucci
Why are you with a woman 20 years younger than you? Why are you holding on so tight to a woman 20 years younger than you....??? You and I both know that you can't have very much in common with a woman so much younger.. I know it was good for the ego when she loved you, but a mature man should have known that you are asking for nothing but heartache to marry a woman who is in her twenties when you are in your forties.....
This is personal and, without wanting to alienate you from keeping watch on my thread, "off-side". I thought long and hard about this before I committed to my wife. I wanted to be sure I was marrying HER and not "a 25 year old" And I can tell you that we certainly DID have things in common. Attitudes; sense of humor; sense of adventure (camping, travel, etc) and we BOTH discussed the issue of age and children prior to marriage. Quite frankly, other than the numbers on birth certificates, "age" was relative. She didn't behave like any 22-25 year olds I had ever met; and I certainly didn't act like most 40 year olds I knew. She was more late twenties and I STILL "feel" mid-thirties.
Originally Posted By: Gucci
do you only want to hear and talk about "unconditional love" and "her being in a fog" and other things that give you false hope?????
No. Absolutely not. I am not clinging to false hope. I know who I married. And this is not her. Her current behaviour is exactly what I expected from her when she was 22-25. She wasn't that the. But she is now. This current behaviour is not TRUE to her, IMO.
Originally Posted By: Gucci
Wouldn't it be best for her to be with a man her age? or at least close to her age... Quit holding onto this so tightly... Same goes for you. You should be with someone your age. You know that and I know that. Don't try to tell me "age has nothing to do with it" because it DOES....
Says who? Where is that written as a rule? Prior to my marriage, I had almost nothing in common with women my age. Most were married; had kids; may have already been through a divorce and bitter. Stale. I was none of those things. I have given THIS a lot of thought, too. Presuming my W and I D, I am STILL not in a position where I would be any more likely to be with a woman my age. Most in their forties have kids in their teens or twenties. Mine is two. There is no commonality here.
Sorry, Gucci, but unless you have a follow-on point and you were checking to see whether I am serious or not, I don't agree with you on this. I do, however, appreciate your candor and involvement here. I NEED all the advice and hard questions I can get if I'm going to get through this successfully.
And success to me is STILL becoming a better CD and getting my M and family put back together.
Thanks Puppy. It was more of a rhetorical question. From reading your posts over the years I have a pretty good feel for your approach. I have a lot of respect for you and you are one of the people here who really helped me understand the boundaries.
I was referring to the boundaries as being the very thing that might help them - but for sure it helps us and our families. I agree with your position as far as being the one to work to set things right as far as the family is concerned.
I did that work for 2 and a half years. When it was time to stop, I did. Switched gears and now am doing the work to further save myself, build a great life for my kids, move forward.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
And why would I want to specify exactly who I was addressing? Is it a little too deep for you to figure out?
I dunno. Maybe because I asked? The drive by shooting comment was in jest. The question was real. I respect both you and robx, and like Puppy I have been helped tremendously by your posts to so many people on this board.
But I also do laugh at posts like the one I quoted. Actually it's not too deep for me to figure out, but I can't speak for the other people here.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I started viewing the definitions of love, etc, we have been discussing here as a door out of my anger detachment.
I clearly started to go too far the wrong way. Gucci's point about "RESPECT" tuned me back in.
Whenever you have a few minutes, I'd like whatever lumber/redirection you may have for me.
Perhaps your opinion and/or even interpretation of the recent post bw Gucci and I would be helpful. His first certainly helped me re-focus but his "age" post both hurt and offended me.
I'm not trying to draw you into the middle of it but I would appreciate the "Hybrid" view as I have had a good experience with it so far. Thanks, PDT
