Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[sandi2]

We ended the conversation with an ILY

Not too exciting day, but I'm starting to feel like she is pulling away. Is this normal for me to feel like she's pulling away when I'm pulling away too?

As long as she can check in with a phone call and you end the conversation with "ILY".....she knows she still has you in her back pocket. What is mysterous about that? Nothing! Does she feel threaten that she may lose you? No b/c you are clinging to her skirt tail.

When she starts calling and doesn't get an answer or when you give basic answers instead of "details" to all her questions about your activities....then you will become more interesting to her. But right now, you aren't.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

BINGO.

[john28]

Thanks Sandi and Puppy! Unfortunately, I think when I've not given details in the past it has really backfired on me. She just keeps asking and asking what it was I went and did. I just give her the "I went out with friend name XYZ" - and she just keeps ASKING me "who was there, what did you do, where did you go"

I'm just not very good at dodging those questions gracefully. I don't know how to respond to those without making her angry.

This is especially difficult because she is trying to be open about her life with me and give transparency, but I'm doing the opposite...

[PMA_Baby!]

Then you need to have a talk about BOUNDARIES and TRUST. Just because this hasn't been the dynamic of your R doesnt mean that it shouldn't be.

You guys sound like you have had a pretty immature R/M. It is up to YOU to change this.

PS - Her inability to TRUST you is classic PROJECTION which usually signifies INFIDELITY.

PMA

[john28]

PS - Her inability to TRUST you is classic PROJECTION which usually signifies INFIDELITY.

PMA

I'm sorry PMA - I'm in overload and I can't really understand that. Can you explain it to a 3-year old

[PMA_Baby!]

When your partner acts like they can't trust you. Asks a lot of questions about where you are going and with who, etc. Is usually means they don't trust themselves so they "project" that feeling on to their partner.

Because of her history of unfaithfulness and her PERSONAL issues with RESTRAINT she does not TRUST YOU either.

You need to nip this in the bud by telling her that she either TRUSTS you or she doesnt. With out TRUST you dont have anything.
Which also shows lack of RESPECT. Tell her if she doesn't agree. There is the DOOR.

You really need to SET some STRONG BOUNDARIES of TRUST and RESPECT if you want to have any substantial future.

YOU need to LEAD by example. It is obvious that she is not capable of doing this on her own. ARE YOU??

PMA

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm just not very good at dodging those questions gracefully. I don't know how to respond to those without making her angry.

You begin by rejecting your own premise, John:

Whether or not your response makes her angry has to become comletely irrelevant to your way-of-thinking. Or at least, SECONDARY to the far-overriding factor of "Is this The Right Thing to Do in this situation?"

Until you LOSE THE FEAR that your responses will "make her angry," you will NEVER get anywhere.

Puppy

[john28]

Thanks Puppy - that makes perfect sense.

Just now got off the phone with her. She asked if I wanted to video chat with S4 and I said yes, she told me to call her when I got off work. I said that works out good because I'm going out tonight.

W: "Who are you going out with?"
M: "I don't know, I'm just going out."
W: "What do you mean you don't know - who are you going out with?"
M: "Will you just stop? I don't know, plans haven't materialized yet"
W: "Fine."

She was clearly agitated. I said that I had to go - she said "Fine" .... and she just say BYE in a agitated tone - no ILY as normal in the past. Clearly that didn't make her happy. I expect to get the full barrage of questions later after I call after work.

This feels weird.

If I want to set BOUNDARIES and TRUST, how should i approach that conversation with her? What should I say? Something along the lines of - "Moving forward, given all the damage that has been done, I'd like to be able to trust each other. I think it would be a good idea if we both independently came up with a list of boundaries that we felt would make us trust each other. Trust is a very important part of our R at this time."

Good?

[PMA_Baby!]

Sounds good except for using the phrase "Id like". Be more assertive and say "we need". Dont tip toe around these issues or she will continue to walk all over you. Show her that her man is stating clear boundaries that she needs to respect or else you are gone. Period.

Also get a copy of the book "Hold on to your nuts.." then both make a list of your "non-negotiable" items.

[john28]

Well, she comes back tomorrow from MIL after being gone 10 days. The first 2 or so days were rough - I was a miserable mess. Then I broke down on day 5 and was a mess. But, so far, it's been 5 straight days of keeping my cool, giving her space, and not calling her at all.

I'm really nervous about her coming home tomorrow, and this is weird. Nervous to be around my W? This is unsettling.

I'm not sure how to act when she comes home. I'm going to try really hard to give her space and be super nice dude with my 180 - but I know it's going to be very very hard since I haven't seen her in 10 days. I know that I'm going to want to ML to her and touch her. God, I hope I can keep it together.

I think I'm most scared about what happens the moment she walks in the door. I'm hoping for a hug and a kiss because that's what she gave when she left to go on this trip. We were still hugging and kissing when I gave her space. I'm really really afraid she's going to come in cold without any affection like she's completely distanced herself now. I'm so very afraid of that right now.

I know, I know. MAN UP, i keep telling myself. But it will really be a disappointment if she comes in with zero affection tomorrow night. I know what you all are going to say - zero expectations, detach, yes yes yes.... but I still desire the touch of my W.