Don't really have time to reply to your post in the detail that it deserves, but suffice to say that I'm defining "help" as "giving it my very best attempt to affair-bust ("separate the addict from the source of their addiction") before completely letting them go.
I was disagreeing with what I felt was Truegritter's rather passive, fatalistic approach, of what I would characterize as "There's nothing I can really do to control nor even guide them." No, I don't think we can CONTROL our wayward spouses, but I DO think you can set firm boundaries, frame the choices more accurately and with more moral clarity than they are in their current fogged-out condition (Allen has some exceptional posts on this subject), and if I'm going to err, I'd like to err on the side of "If I'm the ONE guy who actually has the marriage's (and the family's) best interests at heart currently, then by God I should be more actively setting the agenda for the potential endgame of my own marriage, and the destruction of my intact family."
Gucci's/Rob's approach, I would place on one end of the spectrum: "Let them go."
On the other, I would place Allen's "Damn-the-torpedos, affair-bust-your ass-off" methods.
