Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

I'm having an angry day. Nothing specifically bad happened, but I'm just frustrated and angry about the sitch H is putting me in. I thought and thought yesterday about what I wanted to do with this sitch - cheerleader to get him accross the finish line or go dark - but I still just don't know what is best.

He wasn't there last night when I went to pick up S (kind of to my relief b/c I didn't know what stance I wanted to take yet). He called me later that night and we ended up talking for 20 mins. First he talked to S and S told him all about the Disney's Cars movie we were watching. Then H and me were talking about the new place and all the dumb things his uncles were already doing (i/e. His uncles were being all friendly to the servers at the new bar & H was telling them that they were idiots b/c it's not their job to become friends with them, it's there job to be their boss and make them work so that they can make the place (& them) money! Extremely valid point, buy given H's past with OW1 and OW2, it sounded funny. Maybe he's learned his leason about co-workers, but obviously not about OW's in general). Also, he talked about his sleep study. He got it scheduled for the 18th but then got in a fight with them b/c they won't get him a sleep aid (like the other place did) & says it would be a waste of time (I can see his point b/c they hook you up to all these machines and it does tend to be a little hard to sleep without a little help). So, I don't know what's going to happen with that now, but hopefully he still goes. At the end of our conversation, H got another call and had to hang up, so I was a little mad at myself for not being the one to end the call first.

I had forgotten to ask him about something on that afidavit form I had filled out for the new place & called back an hour later, but H did not pick up or bother to call back. Not sure what's up with that, but i think that's part of the reason I'm angry today. It gets my mind going in all directions and basically it comes down to the fact that I don't trust him one bit. I just don't get it all. He is more lovey and attentive to me now then he has ever been in the last 3 years - why??? I don't get it. I guess the question is, which I don't know the answer to, is can I actually change the sitch for the better by drawing him to me and will that in fact draw him away from OW3. The other thing too is that this new place is the big break H has been hoping for, for himself & for us (well, when we were an us). I want to and I almost feel like I need to be involved here for this pivotal point, so I think that is what is hendering my decision to go dark. Hmm, maybe I can do a going dark ultimatum about him going to therapy for himself again, since he "is not at a point where he can make a decision about us yet".

So for tonight, I made plans for me and S to go out to dinner with an old girlfriend. Her H is out of town so she texted me last night, but in addition to wanting to see her, it will be a great "I'm busy" excuse from H (assuming he is around - remember he had said he wanted to give me a backrub either Wed or Thurs & since it didn't happen yesterday, that makes tonight more plausible). For a lot of reasons, I need to get back to GALing and not be so available to H (this point really sunk in on Tues night when H's own mother told me I was too available to him. Ouch!)

So no real epiphanies yet, so I'm just trying to buy time for now...