Pretty sure its a MLC, now what?

[MHL]

Lala,

First things, first…….Happy Little Friday……remember Life is Good and it is Good to be Living Life (working on the bumper sticker, LOL)

H called out of nowhere and really for no reason …..

He asked about my plans for that evening ……

I couldn't help but wonder what was behind that question.

Of course he is going to call, it was your anniversary. He is experiencing his own feelings about all this, guilt, sadness, being unsure, sense of loss, etc. As much as your feelings are all over the map, so are his.

I know you are wondering, if you did not have plans would he have asked you to do something that night. Those kind of things need to be planned, he is a smart man, he travels if he really wanted to do something he would have asked you at least the day before. You did the right thing by having plans, Great GALing!!! You communicated 10X more with your actions than you ever could with your words. This is what your actions said “ I am moving forward (not moving on) with my life, I have people that care about me and want to be around me.”

Think about what you said to him when he asked what you were doing.

Did you keep the answers more brief or did you give him every detail?
Give him enough to answer the question politely and in a friendly manner?
Be upbeat about it (even though you are dying on the inside) act as if you are looking forward to it.

Some will disagree with me here but I am not a big proponent of making the WAS think you might be dating someone. That could backfire big time IMO, if you lead him to think that you are dating then BAM!!! You just alleviated his guilt about dating or if he is not seeing someone he may now consider it.

I found myself a little sad, because I enjoy having him around at night and on the weekends. I just know that overall, the situation isn't fair to me as it is now.

Ahhhh the fairness thing……..here comes the wood…….none of this is fair, life is not fair and guess what???????

A happy and healthy marriage is not fair either…..Yep that’s right folks, marriage is not fair.

Lala, got get this one removed from your head and anyone else reading this,

how about a Litte Fairness Frontal Lobotomy on Little Friday (here’s the acronym LFFLLF, michelle you can send me a check, LOL)

Look, this gets to the heart of everything real quick and it is called unconditional love.

(Grit, chime in here, you say it better than I)

You are here because you love your spouse and you want to save your M right? Great we all want this. But is this Love truly unconditional?

Can you love your spouse in words, action and deeds and remove your wants, desires and expectations from those things?

Or is your Love for your spouse more like this “ I will Love you, Forgive you, be Faithful to you as long as YOU do the same for ME because it is FAIR” ?????

Love does not equal Fair.

Lala, be careful in your communication to your H in that you do not express what you need or want b/c it is fair. I think it is okay to enjoy his company when he is around, after all that is the goal of DBing , to save the marriage. The other goal of DBing is to improve YOU, there is a balance to be struck here.

Others may disagree with me but I think it is okay and in fact preferred that he spend his time with your D in the house. You may be there sometimes and sometimes you will not be there, right??? I mean if everything was back to normal and you guys are together you do not need a break that includes being alone for a whole weekend in the house do you? Of course you might go for a weekend with the girls to the Lake like you did recently. You need a break from the responsibility of taking care of your D. The fact that your H has an apartment and gets more of a break than you do is not FAIR……too bad. (we covered that already)

IMO, he practically asked if he could come home in 3 weeks and you could potentially sabotage that because it is not FAIR…..remember what the goal is……bust the divorce. If he moves back in your work is not nearly done but would you not rather DB with him in the house rather than out of the house????

So, while I know this is the right move for me, knowing that this decision eliminates those gentle moments like tonight is a bit of a bummer. Just need to work through that and focus on me some more.

More of the same and I know I am beating the dead horse here. I don’t think this is the right move for you. If he is okay with caring for D in the house with you there then that is what is right for you. Right???? Now that means you got to get hold of yourself and not lose it like you have in the past, Right??? You can do it, you are understanding what works and what does not.

In short….your DECISION to work on YOU does not have to eliminate those gentle moments.

Lala,
You and your H seem to be able to work together on issues around parenting, the finances, and you guys can sit together in your house together and enjoy a meal. So far there is not an OP, (granted we are suspicious of this woman he works with) in the past you guys have been intimate and there is no hate or spew coming from him. I do not personally think you have to tear this thing further apart in order for it to get better. Follow the steps in DR, it is sound advice….

Make small goals
Work on yourself
Find out what works and do more of it
Keep expectations low
Stop going down cheeseless tunnels
And make sure you have plenty of Patience and understand this takes TIME.

Your doing great.
Cheers