to him, we aren't married anymore and his business is no longer my business.
WORD FOR WORD the EXACT same line I got from my wife. WORD FOR WORD.
"We are separated and no longer together, so whatever I do is no longer your business".
She makes it a HARD POINT to make sure I don't know what she is doing, and if it weren't for my intel operation, I would have absolutely no clue.
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he does not want to be married to me.
I hear that QUITE OFTEN, and she tells EVERYONE she meets that exact line. Seriously, like EVERYONE she tells how I was "selfish" and "never a partner for 7 years". WHO IS SHE TRYING TO CONVINCE HUH?
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so by telling him to stop the behaviour for the sake of our marriage, he'd just laugh at me and tell me that it's over and that he no longer loves me.
WORD FOR WORD.
"You and I are OVER. My heart is no longer yours, and hasn't been for a long time. I need/want to find someone new that fulfills my needs, and it will NEVER be you".
OR
"Tell him I am single again and "ON THE MARKET"
OR
"I just want some "FUN". There are people out there that want to *#$@ me, and since we are no longer together why shouldn't I have some "fun". I am not going to be a maid this Summer".
IT IS ALL SCRIPT. But - and this is a MAJOR truth dart for YOU/US here:
The WAS reading from a SCRIPT can actually be a VERY CONVINCING ACTOR, and if they are COMMITTED to the ROLE beyond everything else - IT CAN CONSUME THEIR LIFE AND THOUGHTS TO THE POINT THAT THEY NO LONGER RECOGNIZE REALITY.
Your job is to turn of a HUGE "Truth Fan" and blow away the "fog" and see where the chips fall.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
"You and I are OVER. My heart is no longer yours, and hasn't been for a long time. I need/want to find someone new that fulfills my needs, and it will NEVER be you".
OR
"Tell him I am single again and "ON THE MARKET"
OR
"I just want some "FUN". There are people out there that want to *#$@ me, and since we are no longer together why shouldn't I have some "fun". I am not going to be a maid this Summer".
i didn't get any of this. all i got was .. "for the 100th time, there is no woman .. there are no women .. there is no man .. and there are no animals. this is not who i am. never have, never will. this is the last time i'm addressing this question because it doesn't deserve an answer".
but when i eluded to him possibly having an affair, he'd still assure me that there wasn't anybody.
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Your job is to turn of a HUGE "Truth Fan" and blow away the "fog" and see where the chips fall.
and how do you do that? i track the cell phone and there are the occasional incoming calls (can't tell who) but they are not frequent, nor are they long calls. he doesn't call anybody but i don't track his home or work phone log.
i read some of allen a's posts from the past and i have to say .. wow. i didn't know that there were men out there who were so anti-affairs. i applaude you, allen a. i've always been told that i couldn't stop a man from straying and that it was part of the male mind. it didn't matter how pretty, sexy, good in bed .. whatever a woman was. monogamy was a joke.
i for one, believe in monogamy in a relationship. if you want to stray, then stay away from me. huge dealbreaker.
Biologically speaking men are in the middle ground.
There are male mammals that are polygamous such as chimpanzees etc and there are male mammals such as gorillas that are by nature monogamous...
Human males fall in the middle statistically.. by that i mean it is WORK to stay committed, but it is very much possible.
Monogamous commitment for men and women is much like sticking to a financial budget, a healthy diet, or following the rules of the road when driving your automobile...
It sucks, and it is work, but its do-able.
The payoff is the same - long term you get stable finances, fitness, and a clean driving record...
Most people can't stick to their commitments, that's all it really takes is staying power.
The payoff is the same - long term you get stable finances, fitness, and a clean driving record...
i think too many people risk this payoff. nobody is going to notice .. or .. it will only happen once.
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Most people can't stick to their commitments, that's all it really takes is staying power.
i can honestly say that during my m, i never even thought about looking at another man. didn't matter what kind of argument we got into. i was committed to my marriage.
sometimes i think this 'committed' feeling i have is what makes it difficult to detach. it's not a co-dependent need. it's simply my values and i value my marriage. you don't run from it when there is trouble. you don't solve anything by looking outside your m. sometimes telling me to detach is like telling me to abandon my core values. usually when gucci says "set them free and start dating others" .. to me, that's cheating. and it's hard for me to do this when i haven't even been served yet.
i almost tried it .. ended up just meeting someone for coffee to determine if a real date was in the cards. but it felt so wrong to meet others while separated. it's not even a 180 that i would want to consider.
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It sucks, and it is work, but its do-able.
your post was so promising .. until this. i think most aren't willing to put in the work. that's why infidelity is so common.
it's enough to make me remove myself from the dating pool.
If you want my advice don't date at all until at least six months AFTER the divorce is final.. if it becomes final at all.
I don't think its a healthy activity for someone to "date" while they are still just separated.. they havne't even dealt with the divorce bomb or gone through that recovery period yet.. how can a person possibly engage in a healthy romantic relationship with anyone else?
This is akin to driving with a fever of 104 just to "get some air"
your post was so promising .. until this. i think most aren't willing to put in the work. that's why infidelity is so common.
it's enough to make me remove myself from the dating pool.
Why is that remark unpromising?
Infideltiy is common for a variety of reasons, poor education, insufficient legal consequences, cultural endorsement, the media romanticizes it, etc
Not enough children are educated these days to work for the long term... The quick fix is the focus of most endeavours these days... Diet Pills, Cosmetic Surgery, ATM's, Fast Food, etc... We are a culture moving at the speed of light while education runs at a snails pace far behind...
Long term investment is worth it, but this is becoming a closely guarded secret rather than an educational standard.
because we live in a society where like you said .. we want quick fixes. everything is designed to make life easier and for you to do less work. key .. less work.
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Infideltiy is common for a variety of reasons, poor education, insufficient legal consequences, cultural endorsement, the media romanticizes it, etc
i think pop culture has a heavy influence on it. i think pop culture is also responsible for the current views on divorce. every celebrity is divorced, divorcing, cheating, etc. as if it's a social norm.
marry, re-marry, father children with 3 different women. i mean .. it's screwed up.
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Not enough children are educated these days to work for the long term
my h said he didn't think that marriage should be this hard. like dude, marriage IS hard work. so he'd rather be alone and not work on a relationship at all ..
For those reasons, another relationship is not in the cards for me. I don't want to have to worry if my significant other is cheating on me or not. If u suspect then it must be true. Why live like that?
My h was never been one to stray. I didn't have any reason to believe he would. Even his best friends don't believe he would. I know ... People change. I read the 50 signs of infidelity and he doesn't fit 95% of the signs. The remaining 5% can be explained or i have checked out myself. The only way to find out is to hire a PI but I don't have the funds for that.
I am looking for a reason to walk away. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. Is it possible that he really would rather be alone? He doesn't want to put in the work into any r.
I think you should read SunnyD's thread... Her H wants to move out and there's no indication that he's cheating on her at all.. He's miserable and doenst' want to work on the marriage at all...
She's trying to turn him around...
But yes it is possible to have a wayward who wants out who is NOT having an affair... People do leave marriages for other reasons besides having an apparently viable alternative
From what I have read conflicts over finances is the most common reason for divorce, not infidelity
until this.