Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

He would go to the appointments, but nothing from within would get discussed or translate to our life outside those weekly one-hour sessions.

That's surprising, given the frequency you were going. Wonder what that was all about? Did you ever ask him? If so, I suppose you got the 'I don't know...' answer?

Since Thanksgiving he has threatened twice to leave me. After the second time I insisted we go back to counseling. If he was vocalizing that (from a man who vocalizes nothing), then I hoped he would see the value this time. Even our counselor points out that he is much more engaged in the process this time around.

That was me too. I just wanted to run. It took me months of therapy before I was able to know, let alone vocalize, where my hurt and pain were coming from. If he's becoming more engaged in the process, just be prepared ok? He might have a lot of hurt underneath somewhere, that he just hasn't been able to acknowledge yet. It could come at you in a bit of an avalanche.

...what she originally viewed as some surface communication issues that could be dealt with are now clearly much, much deeper issues with us both that may or may not be resolvable.

Did you want to tell us about any of those? No worries if not, I can appreciate wanting to keep some things confidential. Just wondered if other folks might have had similar issues that they've successfully resolved, and might be able to share with you how they did it.

I'm very comfortable with her and have never had the sense that her goal is anything but to see us in a strong, satisfying marriage long term.

Oh good to hear. Sometimes it's tough to get the full drift when you're just reading what someone's written. Good to hear too, that you're both getting some individual time with her. Perhaps that's what's helping your H start to open up more.

Unfortunately, we do not have a strong base to refer back to. He is 51 and I am 43. We were together less than a year before we married and we are about to reach our 20th anniversary. I was fairly young and he was fairly set in his ways and it's been a struggle from the start; we were never a strong couple.

Hmm... you both are roughly same ages, and similar differences in ages, as we are! We're a little shy of you, and 6 years apart. We were together before marriage longer than that, but we've been together for 18 years. And, despite how long we were together before we got married, no we didn't have a strong base either. Classic avoiders; terrified of conflict so we never even discussed our differences. Nor did he EVER want to communicate about anything important or meaningful. Finally I never knew I had anything important or meaningful to say, let alone knew what the h*ll I felt or thought about anything. I'm amazed we've made it this far. But now, we are creating a new relationship; really now just starting to get to know the 'real' us. Not trying to be rah-rah ain't marriage grand. Just trying to let you know that it can be something completely different than you thought possible. Even with a crappy beginning.

His particular needs/quirks/weaknesses simply don't mesh with mine. Which is one of the things that I'm actually realizing now, mostly in terms of understanding myself and what I need and accepting that it simply may not be possible for my husband to meet those needs.

You may be surprised at the extent to which he's able to meet those needs, now that you're actively sharing them together and they're all out in the open. I know I was. Blown away in fact.

Doesn't make him a bad person, just a bad match for me and I for him. He just seems more willing to continue to settle than I am. Which I find sad, as well.

Sounds just like what I said to my therapist at my first appt. I too thought we were just a bad match. I believe my words to her were "I think I married the wrong man. Not a bad man - he's actually a very good, kind man. Just the wrong one for me.

What I struggle with is the idea of how much of his core self can I reasonable expect him to change to accommodate my core self?

Weird. This is like reading from my diary. Yes I asked myself this all the time. Be careful though, of the types of things you attribute to both his and your 'core selves' and the things you don't. If you get it wrong you may be making a terrible mistake. Trusting my therapist, I asked for changes in things I'd perceived for years, as my H's core self. And I've made changes in things I've ALWAYS perceived as my own core self. I though 'yah right' he's/I've been like this for years...he's/I'm not going to change. Not a chance. Boy was I wrong. I think that too rigid of a concept of core self can really mislead us. It causes us to not even consider the possibility of change in a relationship, much less find the bravery to ask for the changes. I think that successful relationships that allow for change; even require it. It's the only way we grow, learn and expand our worlds. It's when we're not allowed to change, or never asked for change within a relationship, that I think we get in trouble.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be preachy. And I don't really know you... the two of you may be dealing with entirely opposite things that we were. I'm just hoping you don't attribute things to his and your core self - and therefore perceive that it can never change - that in actuality aren't. I'm just hoping you can learn from my mistakes, if they apply.

It's a nice enough life, but it is a very, very lonely one. I am willing to work -- and work hard -- on both myself and my marriage, but truthfully, most of the work right now is finding a way to tolerate while I go about the work of just figuring out me. Fortunately, I've got at least four more years. ;-)

Yes, I can appreciate the loneliness. That's also one of the first things I told my therapist. And no, you don't have to settle for the life you're dissatisfied with now. And actually, I'd say that in my therapy that's what I did first - figure out me. You can't know what to ask for of a relationship, until you know 'you' so well that you know exactly what you want. Sounds like you're off to a great start. I know it's hard, but try to stay optimistic... it really can, despite your rough beginnings together, be the start of a great new phase in your marriage. I'm going to dodge your last questions, because this is getting a little long! Plus I'd better get to work - busy day ahead! Take care, FMY. From FMV. Lol. That is too funny.