New Game- Exposed

[CD Bear]

true and unconditional love is not exemplified in the simple act of setting our spouse or loved-one free.
It is the act of helping them, and guiding them towards the path that is most conducive to their happiness, without any regard to what that means for us.

I personally do not intend to take any of the concepts we have been discussing literally and/or out of context . But I still stand by what I have learned about “unconditional” which you also note above (bold)
I do not believe that unconditional and setting them free/letting go are mutually exclusive. Letting go is as much about setting yourself free and stopping the self blame as it is about them. And, to me, it is certainly not abandoning them. That would be ME running away and turning my back on her. That is not me. That would be as reprehensible as what she is doing. See Allen’s quote below

Once you take your spouse into your life, you have a responsibility to them. If they are hurt, and worse in the midst of a sleazy affair, the last thing you want to do is turn your back on them. This is not love in that case, its self-preservation.
Tossing something vulnerable back into the wild isn't an act of love, nor is tossing a marriage-damaged spouse back into the street.

For Better or worse trumps forsake all others. Her choice to “forsake me”enacts my “or worse”. And I take my vows seriously. How she sees hers doesn’t cancel mine, too. That would violate my beliefs and going against my values is partly how WE got to this sitch. I remain 50% responsible for the condition of the marriage when she made this choice. IMO, that DOES put some of the responsibility for her “state” when she made this choice. I’m not blaming myself for her choice, but I’d be irresponsible if I ignored my contribution. That SHE can’t or refuses to acknowledge HER contribution is moot at this point.

There is a time yes that one has to decide if this person will allow to be guided to a healthier place. One can only fight for so long.

PEA has an effective life of 6-18 months (if you’re fortunate and/or young). My W’s EA began around December. It went PA in April at the latest. She is currently in at least the 4th month of addiction. Based on the age of OM, and his M baggage, I really doubt the A will see 12 months total.
Coincidentally, W’s 30th B’day will be around that time as well. And I know that will have an effect on her. I don’t know if that will help her see or cloud her more, but……

As far as “fighting”, the major exposure is over. Sure, there will be more people I tell it to over the course of time as I break the news that we are in the process “towards” divorce. My fighting at this point can only be NOT enabling the A (restricting her funds through financial separation); disregard and/or ‘Truth Darts’ if the A comes up in convo’s with her; and continuing to maintain the family home as well as extreme care for “our” daughter.

My analogy toward my M is more like our home. It is still here. Our stuff and I are still in it. The front door is closed. My D and I will live as normal life as possible and I will endeavor to get my pre-married life back. The only thing that will change our current situation is that SHE will have to approach the door and see if it’s locked. And then choose to walk way or come inside with us. It may even be locked by then. Will she knock? Is she THAT strong? But I will decide whether to unlock it.

Have the courage to find what it means to really love your W
when she doesn't give you back what you want.
when she makes her own choices.
when she makes bad choices.

And this is what we ALL agree on. It’s not about rubbing their noses in it; running away ourselves; abandoning them. Even RobX’s constant quoting of ‘why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you’ still works here. She doesn’t want to be with me right now (or perhaps ever). But that doesn’t stop me from doing what I want and upholding my commitment to my W and my vows. And eventually I will lock the door and probably move out of this “house”. But I was true to ME to the end.

And now I should read the 4 other responses that arrived while I was writing this.

And I cannot express how much I appreciate each and every one of you for participating in my thread. Your support; advice; wisdom and "lumber" are the reasons I am feeling quite calm despite discovering the A only 4 weeks ago. THAT event reframed everything that occurred since the bomb in late April. Considering all this, my sanity I owe to you.