After reading some fantastic posts and taking away some useful ideas, I need to start a thread of my own in order to get some help with my sitch. I'm a northern product of a Southern WASP upbringing. I was raised to not talk about family money, dynamics or emotions. My dad was gregarious and outgoing. I probably inherited some self esteem issues from a more reserved and anxiety-filled mother. I've spent the last 35 odd years trying to fill out a six foot plus body while shrinking at being stared at as one of the tallest in the room. My wife is Irish and Italian and heavily favors the latter. At 42, after three pregnancies she's still hot, though she complains about her weight which has gotten away from her a bit. Her parents separated when she was about my daughters age now. It was vocal and uncivil at times. I think she picked up some major control issues as a result. She says she began her A with OM in August 2009. I was crushed. Refusing marriage counseling, she says she needed space and more emotion from me. I process info very deliberately and don't typically overreact - by training. However, after fairly successfully filling out my frame, I was more than prepared to exact revenge on MF OM. W started showing openness after several months, but has not given up OM. She gets pissed I don't show her more emotion during this period and states it's no different than when married. I detached and showed her little for some time. This only upset her further. Our limited self esteem / control issues paired well for years until her bossiness started pushing me away and I either ignored her or adopted passive/aggressive coping. In conjunction with our lack of communication, we experienced my 12 month unemployment at the time of my daughters birth. This immediately followed a horrific miscarriage. My son arrived as we were building a new house and she temporarily lived with her folks and me with mine. Due to finances we put our kids in the care of my rapidly deteriorating alcoholic mother and absent father - turns out he's carrying on a four year affair. He dies in 2007 and catapults Mom in with us, accelerating problems with W. I've done fairly well putting anger away, but frustration exists. Eight months after her bomb, I have a one night stand as some attempt at building self esteem and immediately regret it. Of course things begin to thaw a bit. She's uncertain about OM and me. We have good days together with the kids-as family, but she blows up at night. It's a weird routine. She moved out in February, but invites me over for dinner. Nice, then explosion. She then starts hammering me about "honesty" as she tells me neighbor (sheriff) has been harrassing her for months. "Patrolling" by her new place and pissed he wasn't chosen over OM. All the while he's my buddy. Out for beers, etc. More betrayal and drama. We unite against him, his crew, but it's not good enough for W who's still hammering away at my "relationships".I know she's trying to feel better about her A. I have nothing going on but have texted and met a couple women for a beer, nothing else. I drop my bomb Monday night after she asks me directly about the trip I met my fling on. I know..two wrongs and all. But the loneliness, and uncertainty got the best of me. Now nothing. I want my W and marriage, not a new R. She's still with OM. What next?
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
First off, you are not going to build your self esteem by meeting women or having a one night stand. I think you know that now...
If you want to even attempt to rebuild this M, that behavior, needs to stop. All you are doing right now is acting your way further down the path towards divorce.
I can't say I think your W is MLC or not, although there are some hallmarks.
If the OM is still in the picture, then all you can be to her right now is a friend.
Ultimatums, R talks, will get you no where.
Cadet will be along shortly with links that you can read.
This is not a long or easy road.
There are no quick fixes. No cure all suggestions or ideas.
And it isn't for the faint of heart.
Keep posting, keep reading.
Others will be along.
No one here can guarantee you your M back. If you choose to listen and learn, grow and heal, this will not be a journey that you regret.
Are you ready to become unstuck?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
First things first. If you are standing for your marriage, no inappropriate relationships or communication with other women, right? Sorry, but you are right, two wrongs and all.
If you are lonely, start to GAL (get a life). Figure out what makes you happy. Make sure you eat, rest, exercise.
Now, take a deep breath and strap yourself in. You are going to be on a wild ride.
But, if you take this journey, you will come out the other side a different person.
You need to start to look at your marriage and your contributions to the breakdown of it. Not saying everything is your fault at all. And dont take the blame for those parts that arent. But, it is important for you to start to look at yourself honestly and see the things you want to change for YOU.
If your w is in MLC, she is on a ride of her own. She is on a journey too. Let her walk it.
Keep your interactions upbeat, no relationship talks, no pressure. And if she is losing it at the end of a day together, keep the visits short.
Keep posting and reading. You will meet some amazing people here. We want to help. But we are not going to wear kid gloves - so expect some 2x4's. Just remember, we give them because we care.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Welcome to the best place no one wants to find themselves.
We all come here because we want to save our marriages, what we find is a way to save ourselves.
The one thing you have to realize is that you did not break your W and you can not fix her. The OM is a symptom, not a cause. He is a band-aid she's using trying to fix herself because she has not realized that her unhappiness comes from within and until she faces that head on and deals with the issues, true happiness will elude her. If she was truly happy with the OM, she would have no need to keep hammering at you.
As was said, this is a journey your W must take by her self. Any interference from you will be seen as pressure and she will further distance herself. You can not make her journey go faster but you can sure slow it down. Let her put on her big girl panties and begin dealing with life herself. She has chosen to go outside your M, let her deal with the consequences of those choices. Let her see what life is like without CNS.
Do not initiate R talks with her. If she starts a R talk, validate what she says. It doesn't mean you agree with her, but that you understand she has a right to her feelings. Do not defend yourself. DO NOT show anger. Know going in that she will rewrite your marital history to justify what she is doing. Do not try to correct what she is saying with what really happened, it will do you no good.
DO listen to what she is saying. If you hear some things that sting in her spew about you, take a closer look at them for yourself. You may want to change that about yourself. Change it for you so that you can be a better person, not in the hopes that you'll win your W back.
Look for 180's that you can do to improve yourself. Make sure they are permanent and consistent. Your W will notice and at first she may believe that they're nothing but a trick. That's where the consistency comes in. Doesn't matter what she says about them, keep on keepin on with them.
When you are in contact with your W, show an upbeat, pleasant side even if you don't feel that way at first. Fake it until you make it. You will find that you will not have to fake it for long because your mindset will change.
You've already identified that you have some self esteem issues. Look for healthy ways to improve this for yourself. No, a one night stand or another R will not fix it. Just as your wife has to realize that it's the internal issues that need to be dealt with, you have to do the same. Just know that you are ahead of the game because you know it now, and do not have to get through the fog, and the pain of a MLC before you can get down to the real work.
CNS, this is the start of your own journey. Believe it or not if you truly do the work for yourself, you will someday find that this gift of time that your W has given you is a blessing. You will discover some wonderful things about yourself.
Fix yourself first. Do it for you and your children. They need you now more than ever. Lead by example.
You do have choices here CNS. You can let this destroy you or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find that inner strength to deal with the punches life throws at you.
You cared enough to find this place, that is the first step. You can do this.
You are getting great advice. Take some time to read through all this stuff. Understand that this is a very slow process and that you must learn patience.
The most important thing you must learn is to detach. It is the single most important thing that the LBS must learn.
Take this one step at a time, start putting one foot in front of the other and start down your path. You are now on your own journey!
Thanks all. As you can see, I've been on the board since March, but haven't gathered the courage to put it out there for public consumption. I've read through most threads and have not completed all the book reading, but have found much useful stuff. This makes me all the more ashamed of my actions. With little kids and sharing custody, the options are limited for "going dark". The trouble I have with detaching is it reinforces her image of me as a "stoic" unemotional robot. But I am far from that. She wants me to share my emotions, but I simply can't with OM still in the picture. Thanks again for the intro.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
The trouble I have with detaching is it reinforces her image of me as a "stoic" unemotional robot. But I am far from that. She wants me to share my emotions, but I simply can't with OM still in the picture.
Honestly, this really isn't a problem.
Initially, it may reinforce what she thinks of you. Who you were.
However, as you detatch, you will be able to show her a side of you that doesn't have as much hurt and animosity, and more true feelings. A happy CNS. A contentent CNS. A peaceful CNS. A nonjudgemental CNS.
That will also make her angry for a while. Then, you will find that her interactions with you may begin to change a bit in response to the new you.
The butterfly effect...
We all worry that our actions will make it worse, push them away, because they won't know we love them...but they will know it eventually.
Don't let your fear of what you think she will perceive stop you from doing what you need to do for you.
Read the resources. Read the threads. Then reread them. And reread them. It isn't a glossing over understanding that you need to have with this, it is a real, honest, deep understanding. That is going to help you get through this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Read the resources. Read the threads. Then reread them. And reread them. It isn't a glossing over understanding that you need to have with this, it is a real, honest, deep understanding. That is going to help you get through this.
This is very good advice. Listen to Cat04 she is so wise!
I will only add, keep asking questions. The only bad one is the one you don't ask!
You have already heard and probably read what we are going to tell you. Detach...detach...detach.
You know that you can't fix her - I hope you do. You know that OM is a symptom. You know that YOU must work on you.
Quote:
However, as you detatch, you will be able to show her a side of you that doesn't have as much hurt and animosity, and more true feelings. A happy CNS. A contentent CNS. A peaceful CNS. A nonjudgemental CNS.
That will also make her angry for a while.
This quote from Cat is spot on. So tell me Crushed…
What do you want for Crushed? Who does Crushed want to be? What issues does Crush want to change about Crushed? What dreams does Crush have? What is Crushed doing to enjoy his life?
Tell us a little bit more about YOU Crushed.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
