Welcome to the best place no one wants to find themselves.
We all come here because we want to save our marriages, what we find is a way to save ourselves.
The one thing you have to realize is that you did not break your W and you can not fix her. The OM is a symptom, not a cause. He is a band-aid she's using trying to fix herself because she has not realized that her unhappiness comes from within and until she faces that head on and deals with the issues, true happiness will elude her. If she was truly happy with the OM, she would have no need to keep hammering at you.
As was said, this is a journey your W must take by her self. Any interference from you will be seen as pressure and she will further distance herself. You can not make her journey go faster but you can sure slow it down. Let her put on her big girl panties and begin dealing with life herself. She has chosen to go outside your M, let her deal with the consequences of those choices. Let her see what life is like without CNS.
Do not initiate R talks with her. If she starts a R talk, validate what she says. It doesn't mean you agree with her, but that you understand she has a right to her feelings. Do not defend yourself. DO NOT show anger. Know going in that she will rewrite your marital history to justify what she is doing. Do not try to correct what she is saying with what really happened, it will do you no good.
DO listen to what she is saying. If you hear some things that sting in her spew about you, take a closer look at them for yourself. You may want to change that about yourself. Change it for you so that you can be a better person, not in the hopes that you'll win your W back.
Look for 180's that you can do to improve yourself. Make sure they are permanent and consistent. Your W will notice and at first she may believe that they're nothing but a trick. That's where the consistency comes in. Doesn't matter what she says about them, keep on keepin on with them.
When you are in contact with your W, show an upbeat, pleasant side even if you don't feel that way at first. Fake it until you make it. You will find that you will not have to fake it for long because your mindset will change.
You've already identified that you have some self esteem issues. Look for healthy ways to improve this for yourself. No, a one night stand or another R will not fix it. Just as your wife has to realize that it's the internal issues that need to be dealt with, you have to do the same. Just know that you are ahead of the game because you know it now, and do not have to get through the fog, and the pain of a MLC before you can get down to the real work.
CNS, this is the start of your own journey. Believe it or not if you truly do the work for yourself, you will someday find that this gift of time that your W has given you is a blessing. You will discover some wonderful things about yourself.
Fix yourself first. Do it for you and your children. They need you now more than ever. Lead by example.
You do have choices here CNS. You can let this destroy you or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find that inner strength to deal with the punches life throws at you.
You cared enough to find this place, that is the first step. You can do this.
