Would H just think I was copying him since that is something he and OW do together?
CW, I think it depends on how you approach this. If you do it for yourself, you win regardless of the outcome. Is there a biking club in your area? I joined our local bike club to meet people and to have people to ride with on longer rides. I get to go places with the group that I wouldn't feel safe going by myself (i.e. isolated places).
XH e-mailed me today that he enjoyed playing PP last night and that he got a good workout........later in the afternoon he e-mailed his sister (copied me) a recipe for caprese salad.......so I guess we're in friendship stage. Haven't heard or seen the alien for a week now.
Just revisiting the stages that your EXH is in as far as MLC, the more you write the more I am getting the idea he is somewhere in depression/withdrawal. Definitely not acceptance, You seem to be handling everything very well. These are still rebuilding stages. The fact that he comes to you and then disappears he is still learning how to rebuild. The Withdrawal is necessary for him to move forward. You know two steps forward one step back kind of thing. You are doing a great job staying detached with no expectations.
Keep journaling and writing if you don't mind. It is great to hear and is a beacon of light for everyone on this board.
Cas, Thanks for your positive vibes. I posted a note on your thread.
Lance, thank you VERY much for your perspective! I really appreciate it. You are probably right about my XH not being in Acceptance. Thank you for your encouragement to journal. Sometimes I feel self-indulgent when I journal, yet submitting my thoughts to words helps to organize them...........and I value others' perspectives, so I will continue.
I don't feel like a "beacon of light"....... , yet I DO remember how I scoured others' threads for hope when I first came here. I saw a number of posters talk about movement toward reconnection and it was very encouraging........
I received my copy of "The Pain Behind the Mask" Overcoming Masculine Depression" today and I think I will start reading it before bedtime. Thanks for that recommendation Lance!
One last thing....monday night (2 days ago) when I came home from playing PP with XH, I found myself to be really excited. I had a very difficult time falling asleep and kept thinking about how warm and fun my interaction with XH had been that evening. I felt as though I had just been on a really fun date with a new guy..........That feeling really took me by surprise! One of my concerns has been that I wasn't certain XH and I could get back to the kid of fun and happy R we had before. After feeling that way monday night, I think that it is possible for me to feel that way again..........and just as noteworthy, my gut tells me that on some level, XH felt that way too, if only for a short time. NC today between us. I'm giving XH space to think about how much fun we had...........I think that if XH and I reconnect, that slowly getting to know each other again would be the right way to do it. When we first met, H/XH and I had amazing chemistry and probably became serious too quickly. I think a slower pace would give us a firmer foundation as friends or romantic partners.
HI GAG! Just reading through your thread Gosh, its so nice to see you reconnecting and engagin on dates!! I wish i had the courage to test the waters for going on a date or an invite out, but I don't think he's at the stage where he'll accept, AND I'm terrified of being rejected (still getting over the rejection effects of the bomb, think it will be a while before that wears off!)
Besides I only get small glimpses of the old H, not consistently for longer periods of time, a day or so and then back to new H, then old H, then new H...eeeek!!
But in general theres progress, will keep an eye on your sitch for hope
I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking that playing PP with XH was a "date". XH used to always play racquetball 3 times/wk and when his knee arthritis became so bad that he couldn't, he really missed doing that. This was just a situation of trial and error with us. It is something that we never did before (XH played PP a lot in college) and found that we enjoy doing. The first time we played, this is the way it happened: XH asked me to do a favor for him. I said "Yes, I'll do this for you if you help me with a couple repairs on the house AND practice PP with me once. I've been taking lessons and I can't find anyone to practice with me". XH very easily agreed........and the PP playing has turned into an ongoing thread and some very fun recreation shared between us. When I asked XH to practice with me I wasn't asking him on a "date". I really WAS just looking for anyone to play with, although I will admit that this was a trial balloon to see if it had the potential to develop into something else. I think he could sense my true motivation (it wasn't a date) when this started.
Hang in there pie. If you are seeing glimpses of the old H, that is a good thing. I didn't see the old H for a very long time.
Hi GAG, nice to see that you've started your own tread....just finished reading it....the changes in your R with your XH are amazing....so good to see. It gives us all some hope that even when our situation seems hopeless at this time, you never know what the future may bring....and that our seemingly alien spouses may turn back into the people that we used to know. I'm cheering for you and will follow your story religiously. You are a great lady and I wish you all the best (((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Welcome to my thread! Good to have you back! I have been following your thread since your return, just haven't had a chance to post yet. Thanks for sending positive vibes my way.
XH just left the house, so I wanted to journal about our interaction today.
XH had offered to help clean out my gutter and fix a light fixture in my laundry room. About a 1/2 hour before he was due to arrive, XH phoned to say his lunch date (with his racquetball buddies) had been close to his mother's Alzheimers care facility and did I mind if he stopped to see her for 30 minutes before coming over? XH asked if I was on a timeline and needed him to come over at the original time instead. I said "No problem".
XH arrived at the re-arranged time. When he arrived I was in the process of walking out to the garage (didn't know he was there). He was talking on his cell phone to someone about a big music festival north of town. When he hung up he explained to me that he had been talking to one of his employees who is at the festival this weekend..........I thought he was talking to someone like that based on the content of their convo.......So XH made a point of clarifying that he was not talking to a close friend on his cell phone.
When XH came into the house he sat down at the kitchen table. I knew that XH had become a fan of eating olive oil and bread recently. A couple days ago I had heard about a local olive oil and vinegar specialty store, so I went there and bought small samples of several gourmet oils, vinegar, and salts. I had them sitting on the kitchen table and they caught XH's eye. I offered him samples of several of them and gave him a business card for the place. He seemed to enjoy that.
After that we went to the laundry room so XH could look at the light fixture. He fixed it!!!!!! (YEAH!!!) He IS amazing that way. I said "You are SO amazing at fixing things. I always said that about you". ......and that is true. XH reminds me of my father......very handy....and I used to tell him that.......don't know whether he heard me say those things while we were married though........
Next we went to clean out the gutters. XH put the ladder up against the house and started in cleaning out the gutters like this was his own house. He did a FANTASTIC job and I am really grateful. There are gutter guards on the gutters (that H/XH put on ~4 years ago). Several of these had become dislodged; he spent a lot of time fixing them and cleared away dirt that had accumulated in the gutters. He also jumped up on top of the sunroom roof and swept off branches and leaves, just like he would do if it was his own home. I held the ladder and ran for tools.
Most of our communication occurred while XH was up on the ladder. Main points were: (1) XH said his hardcore biker friend may be visiting from out of state to go biking with him and another friend. I offered to loan XH my brand new very nice bike. XH said "That would be nice. Thank you". (2) XH said when he leaves town for 4-5 days his mother becomes a bit belligerent. I said that if he needed to travel again I would be happy to visit his mother if he wants me to. XH said thank you, that would be really nice.
The most substantive exchange came when XH talked about a racquetball buddy (RBB) who recently D'ed his wife. XH said RBB had lied to his wife about some of his accomplishments and also was doing things that he wasn't honest with her about. When she found out she went ballistic. RBB then D'ed his wife. I said to XH "I have a lot of respect for the way you handled yourself throughout our situation. You conducted yourself with integrity". XH didn't really respond to that, but I know that he heard me. I planted the seed. Then I said "People just need to find their own way (in life)".
Altogether, XH was at the house about 2 1/2 hours. I have to admit that I feel a bit frustrated because we didn't have much face-to-face time. Most of the time was spent with him up on the ladder and me holding the ladder. Just as he was finishing up with the gutters, XH said without warning "I need to get going". He didn't tell me where he was going, so I'm left thinking he's going off to his new life, but based on our interactions I don't think this life involves anyone special at this point. We rushed into the house, he wiped himself off and grabbed his stuff. I cut the heart out of a watermelon I had waiting on the counter and gave it to him in a little container. I heard a little "Mmmmmmm" from him and we both dashed out to his car.
SUMMARY: All in all I'd say this was a positive interaction, although we were working, not playing. In the future I need to make sure to introduce fun into our interactions. I think there were a number of positives in our interaction today. My H (the responsible guy I fell in love with) showed up today (YEAH!!!!!!!!). XH also said that he should come back and move my patio light so that I can change the bulb more easily, so he is thinking about doing another nice thing for me.........not just bartering favors. .........another positive thing. One of XH's LL is acts of service (AOS). Most importantly, I got to plant the seed that I have respect for how XH has conducted himself.
Sorry for the long post. Just putting this all down so that I can remember.
This does sound positive GAG. As I was nearing the end, I was wondering what XH's LL was, thinking of AoS and of course, that's what it is.
I have found H has become more transparent recently and that was the case with your XH's phone call. Of course, he may not be ready to divulge all, hence no mention of where he was hurrying to. Then again, I don't tell my H where I am going either and it's certainly no big deal!
One of my concerns has been that I wasn't certain XH and I could get back to the kid of fun and happy R we had before. After feeling that way monday night, I think that it is possible for me to feel that way again..........and just as noteworthy, my gut tells me that on some level, XH felt that way too, if only for a short time. NC today between us. I'm giving XH space to think about how much fun we had...........I think that if XH and I reconnect, that slowly getting to know each other again would be the right way to do it. When we first met, H/XH and I had amazing chemistry and probably became serious too quickly. I think a slower pace would give us a firmer foundation as friends or romantic partners.
Gosh, its so nice to see you reconnecting and engagin on dates!! I wish i had the courage to test the waters for going on a date or an invite out, but I don't think he's at the stage where he'll accept, AND I'm terrified of being rejected (still getting over the rejection effects of the bomb, think it will be a while before that wears off!)