HELP! I am going crazy

[botanygirl]

PH,

Thanks! I am trying to do that. It is hard but I think with him out of the house it will be a bit easier but he is coming back so it will only be temporary. The hardest thing for me right now is the lack of intimacy in my life. It has been months and I am starting to climb the walls!

He definately has a nose longer than Pinnochio's and so likely he will fall straight on his butt!

I actually feel sorry for him about his job b/c he has no education past high school so for him to find a new job that pays as well as that did....I don't think it will happen for him. He was with the company for 14yrs and worked his way from the lowest paid position to leaving the union and going into management. He has tons of skill but no education....not my problem anymore though.

I am still working everyday seeing my patients and trying to just get on with it. It is a struggle for me but I haven't fallen to pieces and I am still making money so I should be proud of myself. I just need to focus more and try to get myself busier. The days when I am booked solid are great b/c i don't think of anything. It is days like today where there are giant gaps in my day that I can't focus and think about my crappy life

[botanygirl]

Hi Chuck66,

i really feel that at this point he has done so much damage that there is no turning back. I have retained a lawyer and he was sent a separation agreement approx. 1mo ago. After discovering the affair and the nature of it i.e. the involvement of my D and then his threats that he had already retained councel I panicked and ran out to get a lawyer and start proceedings. I have given him every opportunity to turn things around but he continues to go down the destructive path

i find it interesting your comment about 3rd world country. It is very true and you would think that he would think about this considering he himself is an immigrant to this country. His family is from Laos and they came during the vietnam war.

Laos was a bit of a dumping ground during the war and suffered a fair bit. His family fled the country and went to Thailand as refugees and then from there made it to Canada. So he has this history and yet he has turned around now and thrown his entire life away

He just continues to maintain that he wasn't "happy". I am sure he isn't but I know that the happiness that he is lacking is within himself and not b/c of me.

[botanygirl]

So I couldn't take it anymore....got together with my friend and she gently coaxed me into the XXXshop and I bought a toy! I feel so pathetic but it has been 3 months and I am starting to climb the walls. I am finding myself looking at any male and thinking he'll do! It is pathetic.

I have never considered myself someone with a high sex drive but then again I have never had it deprived either.

I had even thought of leaving the packaging in the garbage so that he would see it....like somehow this will hurt him?!! I know he isn't going to care because he has moved on but I just wish I could do something so that he feels the hurt that i have been experiencing.

By the way he is back from his little getaway to Vegas. It was so nice those few days not having him around....not wondering what time he will be in or if he will even bother to come home. Now he is back and we are back to the same crap again. I went to toronto last night to see a friend for dinner and he asked what time I would be home b/c I was leaving our D with him. I said did it matter and why did I need to give him a time when he doesn't have to give me a time or even if he does he doesn't ever adhere to the time given.

He then informed me that just because he was no longer employed did not mean that I could now do what i want and he would still be out between the hours of 5pm and 6am. He then said he has a part-time job to go to....and he is referring to the gambling! It is insane-he refers to gambling as a PART-TIME JOB!!!! What is wrong with his brain???? He is totally nuts. Well tomorrow he finally sees the lawyer so I will see what they come up with and hopefully it won't be too damaging.

[pinhead]

BG,

When I had cancer, I was unable to "do" much for my wife, and she wasn't very interested/creative. So our sxlife died. She started taking care of herself (I found out last month). That hurt a lot. I wish we had been there for each other.

But you have needs, and there's nothing wrong with them. You might find that it'll improve your sxlife in new relationships.

[Fightingforher]

Botanygirl,

My W does the same thing to me. We still live together until the house thing pans out. She started dating a co-worker of hers and she comes and goes whenever she wants. I stopped asking but I feel your pain. I still wonder when she'll be home.

It's funny though when I go out she asks how late I'll be. I'm not sure why she asks or her motives. I've finally dropped the rope and I suggest you do the same. I'm convinced that this will help me heal and move on with my life. I hope you can do the same.

[botanygirl]

PH,

thanks for the response. The thought of a new R seems so far away. Hence the toy. As much as I would like to have human touch I know that it might temporarly feel good but feel horrible after and could possibly worsen my sitch. I have to live a clean life and I can't stoop to his level as much as I may want to. I realize that. I have had moments where I just wish that I could have some resemblence of a relationship with him even if it is just a sexual one at this point but I don't even dare go near him and I know that if I tried anything it would end in him rejecting me and pushing me away. I also know it is not a healthy thing to do.
I have moments where I feel strong and feel like i can do this and fight the fight and then there are days where I just want it all to go away and be a nightmare and I wake up and i have my old life back again.

I have been reading your thread and it looks like you have become so strong and are almost through it all now. You have obviously been through a lot both personally and in your R with W

[pinhead]

Yeah, although it's been months for me, I can't break my vows. It'd make me feel horrible.

I wish I was doing as well as my posts sometimes make it look like. I rarely feel so strong.

[Chuck66]

BG,
I am learning as I go. Even if you filed, the other L almost always files a counter suit. I had once thought if I took my application for dissolution off the table it would buy me more time. If the other side files a counter it the D keeps on rolling no matter what. Thought I'd clear that up.

You are 100% correct about his happiness is within himself and not through you.

You are not pathetic for going to xxx. We are all human and still have needs.

I can also empathize/sympathize with you about looking at other people. I think it's because I am hurting that people who I used to think were average all look hot now! That's another reason I need to be wary of any new R. Going through a D and wanting companionship is like putting beer goggles on.

Don't beat yourself up too much. It's a stressful time and we all just do the best we can.

Chuck

[pinhead]

I think it's because I am hurting that people who I used to think were average all look hot now! That's another reason I need to be wary of any new R. Going through a D and wanting companionship is like putting beer goggles on.

Chuck

Here! Here!

[botanygirl]

What is it about people having affairs with people from work? I guess it says something about our society. We spend far to much time working and not enough time in our home life. Perhaps if we didn't spend more time with the people we work with we wouldn't have the time to fall in lust with them!!

Anyway by dropping the rope do you mean not caring about him and not asking his whereabouts?