Another sad story

[Chuck66]

I just keep agreeing with my W. She wants to look at mattresses, I say let's go. I then remind her that she will have to get all new sheets, pillow cases, pillows for their beds. I am here to please! You want out let me expedite and make the move as easy and quick as possible. Every time I try to expedite her own plans she starts dragging her feet, which only emboldens me to help her out from under my tyrannical rule even faster. I even got, "I was just playing devil's advocate" from her.

If you truly are dropping the rope/detaching then you can't let them see you mull over each thing they say. Just take actions to help them along. That usually throws them into a conundrum.

[pinhead]

I shouldn't have let her prod me into saying what I thought we should do. Now she's told a friend that she feels she 'has' to try working things out, at least for the girls sake. She says she doesn't know what trying means. That she would have to fall in love with me again and she doesn't know that that would happen. She's even talked about acting like she did pre-Bomb. She says I'd be happy, the girls would feel secure and happy, and that she could pull off the acting required.



This is such a recipe for disaster. She's been miserable since Sunday.

I really need to let her go. I don't want someone who's going to fake it for years.

The hard thing is if she really wants to try. How will I know if she's trying or faking...?

[LRT Land]

pinhead! 2x4 She's waffling! She may use you as the excuse or the kids, but SHE is waffling.

And trust me, you'll know if she's faking. She may be initially, but aren't you faking a bit? Acting "as if?"

If you weren't privy to their conversations, you don't know exactly what she told the friend before or this time. Maybe she is trying to save face. Who cares! Just go with it. And LRT baby all the way.

[LSG]

I know this is stupid, but what is the LRT? Please explain someone. Sorry PH to ask this question here. Please respond in my thread.

Thanks

[pinhead]

Thanks LRT,

I know that she's scared financially, and feels guilty for how this is affecting me, and the girls.

She also admits that she did fall in love with me once... Can lightning strike twice? Geez, I'm such an eternal optimist, but aren't we all here?

[pinhead]

And here I was, about to go home and let her off the hook. Being a nice guy. So I'll let her waffle some more. She just seems so unhappy since our talk. With my luck, i'll come home from dinner with my BIL and she'll say "No Can Do."

[LRT Land]

Remember - moods are contagious. Just be happy, light, validating, attention giving and relaxed. Don't talk about the R. Don't talk about the future. Don't follow her around the house. You can do this.

[pinhead]

Yeah, since Sunday, I've been in a great mood, happy, smiling, really relaxed. She's been the exact opposite.

[Chuck66]

PH,
Good stay in that mood every time she is present. Don't falter! Consistency is key!

Now how do you know about what she is saying? That is easy.

Believe 0% of what she says and 50% of what she does! That's been a rule around here for awhile.

Take the high road. Be cool under pressure. Her spewing is like water off a duck's back. OK Daffy?!

[john28]

Pinhead - I swear to God we're living the exact same life. Bomb date and all.

Same sh*t here. But, my W may be faking it just like yours. The fact at the end of the day is that she is with you, and not apart. That's good. And, you can make her smile and laugh! HOLY SH*T man! That's great!

You're like me, you want that physical touch and passion. Buddy, I think we're in it for the long haul. We're not getting it for awhile - but like chuck says, consistency is key.

Let's root for each other! We can do this, yes we can!

This is a pretty oportune moment right now IMO. She's scared and would agree to anything that isn't threatening. She says that she'll try, but not sure what that is. Schedule a MC sessionn and just tell her the date and time if you haven't already. She can't waffle on that if she's "trying". You stance is - hey, it can't hurt... no pressure here, W.

I used http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/ to find my MC (new one). She's solutions based and everything like MWD recommends. I called her up and asked to chat for 10-15 minutes about our sitch to see if she's experienced. Immidiately she said, yes, and that if she could get W to agree to "Want to want to try for the marriage", she'd ask for a 6-month commitment. I was sold. She values marriage as much as I do. Granted, she's expensive but I think you get what you pay for.