Eh, so so. It's been a rough 10 days or so for me.
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We DO have alot of similarities.
Is there someone you can stay with also when you move in November?Do you know why your H picked November?
It was picked for him due to other circumstances I can't go into here. Btw, the "alt" is Facebook and if you have an account for your DB self only, you can interact with a lot of us there, too. If you create a DB account there, send me your user name and I'll hook up with you and be able to share more details.
I went into more detail on my thread (I think), but I'll be moving into an apartment before the drop dead date. Just need to figure out custody of my child first.
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Yes, I could stay with my parents or oldest brother. I am hesitant to do that as I really don't want them involved, plus I'd still be in limbo. As you pointed out, that is very hard. H is suggesting either I rent an apt or possibly buy a condo with my separate/saved cash.I really don't know yet what I will do.
H is very curious about my 180. Twice he has said he notices I am calm, positive and appear happy. H asked me today "how" was feeling.I said I really didn't want to get into discussing emotions. H was surprised by this reply. I did tell him this M wasn't working for me either and that we both need to be free to be our true selves. H said yes, when we blame each other we aren't our real selves and if we are angry we cannot ever have a new good life. I worry that by saying these types of things, I am giving H signal I want out. Agreeing with H is the right thing to do, but it is scary too.
There are various opinions on this, but it's being discussed a little in the "Setting them free" thread if you want to go check it out. Myself and a friend who's also here on the boards felt like you do and didn't want to be mis-perceived by agreeing with them. I believe that by DBing I was kind of mis-perceived anyway and let him to believe I didn't care that he wanted a D (may be less due to DB than to his personality- I'll never know). But he noticed my changes too and for awhile the changes made ME feel better, which is the most important thing. It was also an important symbol to do the 180s b/c it makes them question: if they're convinced we have certain traits/behaviors and that those are things they can't live with anymore and they know we'll never change... then they have their reason for D. If they see that in other areas we are perfectly capable of happily making changes... it makes them question- could she change this other thing, the thing that I'm running away from- too??
What I and my friend decided to do about the "how will he know if I really still want to work things out if I agree w/him?" dilemma was, in our own way, to say "I do not want to be doing this, but I will respect your wishes to end the M" a few times. I see some wise advice to you above that contradicts this and it's totally valid- you have to decide what you can live with. For me, it was worse to imagine that if I DIDN'T make it clear, I would always wonder if I had, if it would've made a difference, than it was to risk pushing him away by repeating it a few times over the course of months. In the end, he has still claimed he thought I didn't care, but I also don't think that means he was ever going to change his mind.
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Our meeting today was all business. It's hard, but I got through it.I was businesslike also. H is not emotional and is all about making lists.I realize this is how H controls his emotions. H's emotions are carefully controlled. I have been seeing a bit of a crack in the tough, cold veneer.
I am financially dependent on H at this time. I receive unemployment but it isn't much compared to my real salary when working. If only I were working it would be much easier!! I am 55 and was thinking before the bomb dropped, of retiring. The job hunt hasn't turned up much. I will keep on looking and something WILL pop.I have hip replacement surgery Sept 27th, so really cannot start working anyway (this is why I am still in the house with H, he is allowing me to have surgery on his medical ins. before I move out), until I am healed and have moved.
I was thinking yesterday, that this has been quite a year!! 1.Lost job in April 2.Bomb dropped July 20th. "Separated" but still at home 3.Moving in November unless H wants me to stay and I agree
We could compare notes on crappy years- but only in the alt. I'm so sorry for your terrible year. Maybe 2011 will be our year, you think?
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I like what you said about being strong, NB. WE are sure that, my friend.We never really know how tough our crust is until these types of experiences test us.We both has risen to the challenges. I am very proud of you!!!!!
It is so healthy for you that you remain calm when H yells, and rants. YOU will always have your self respect.[quote]
I was never a fiery person to begin with, more of a conflict-avoidant, but it's hard not to argue back when someone's attacking you. However, I'm finding it easier and easier to just observe and think how silly he sounds.
[quote]Yes, H and I did the old type of MC.It only made things worse. Have you tried MC?? I think SBT is the answer- if a M can indeed be saved, this is how it will be.
What's SBT? Yes, many therapies we tried. It is only as good as the 2 participants and if 1 isn't willing to examine their own actions and contributions AND do something to change, it will never help. I couldn't do it all by myself.
I'm so sorry for your terrible year. Maybe 2011 will be our year, you think?
