Been busy for awhile, trying to keep my mind off of our anniversary last Friday. It was a little bit of a sad day for me. H called out of nowhere and really for no reason - it really jarred me a little bit, but I was able to maintain my DB attitude during the call. He asked about my plans for that evening (my friends were taking me out for a night on the town) and I couldn't help but wonder what was behind that question.
Today I find myself a bit sad too. As I had mentioned before, I wanted to talk to him about a more structured visitation between him and D. One that would actually give me a legitimate break from time to time. I explained that it isn't that I can't stand to be around them or resent D at all, I just need some real time off every now and then. At first, he seemed a little thrown off by it and surprised, but then I could tell he was thinking about it and how it would work. He revealed that he is only in his apt for another 3 weeks and doesn't know what he'll do after that. But then stepped up to the plate and said he'd get his own pack n play, high chair, etc. and make it work. The actual schedule will most likely vary from week to week due to his travel, but he mentioned that he could take her for full weekends!
It had been a long day and I wasn't looking forward to that conversation, so I went up to take a nap. Before falling asleep, I found myself a little sad, because I enjoy having him around at night and on the weekends. I just know that overall, the situation isn't fair to me as it is now. When I came down from my nap, he said 'I want you to know that you're a good Mom. You asking for a break every now and then doesn't change that.' It took a lot for me to maintain my composure after that statement - Mom's don't hear things like that enough! We then heated up respective leftovers and ate dinner together while D played before bedtime.
So, while I know this is the right move for me, knowing that this decision eliminates those gentle moments like tonight is a bit of a bummer. Just need to work through that and focus on me some more.
