It looks like things between your H are “cordial” and that he is making every attempt at being a good dad. So to answer your question…yes…I think you should sit down with him and try and come up with a schedule that works for both of you.
I think the overnights are VERY important for both your D and HIM. Being a father is more than just taking them out on the weekends. It also mean, cleaning up poop, wiping runny noses, waking up in the middle of the night to coddle or just give out meds, etc. So the overnights are really important IMO.
The time that he has your D should be YOUR time. It should be time for you to really do things that you want to do for you.
I do question if you are emotionally strong enough to have the conversation right now, but if YOU feel you can then by all means go for it.
Just remember, when you have the convo…no R talk NONE. As much as you may want to pry – don’t. Just keep it light.
Good luck on the job search. Keep your head up…your doing really well Lala…really well.
Finally, I do have a few more questions for you…
1) Are YOU comfortable that he manages all of the finances? How long as this been going on? 2) What are you really doing for yourself these days? How do you keep your days filled? 3) Has mentioned any legal action? 4) You mention the credit card balances. You do understand that legally you are responsible for ˝ the debt so you may want to find a way to figure out if he is getting himself in debt. 5) As a single women, how do you envision YOUR life?
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I do question if you are emotionally strong enough to have the conversation right now, but if YOU feel you can then by all means go for it.
Just remember, when you have the convo…no R talk NONE. As much as you may want to pry – don’t. Just keep it light.
Me too, I'm nervous about it a little. I don't think I would venture into R talk. If he does, would I even entertain it?
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Finally, I do have a few more questions for you…
1) Are YOU comfortable that he manages all of the finances? How long as this been going on? 2) What are you really doing for yourself these days? How do you keep your days filled? 3) Has mentioned any legal action? 4) You mention the credit card balances. You do understand that legally you are responsible for ˝ the debt so you may want to find a way to figure out if he is getting himself in debt. 5) As a single women, how do you envision YOUR life?
1. He has been managing our finances ever since we've lived together, so 6 years. I've offered a few times to take that over, both before and after our separation, and he says he can handle it. I am comfortable with him handling it for now. 2. D and I have been spending a lot of time outside pool hopping. Catching up with friends via playdates. I find more time for myself in the evenings to get out once D is in bed, I easily snag a babysitter and have been catching up with friends and having people over - that has been WONDERFUL! 3. No legal talk yet. 4. I am aware of my share of the debt. He usually always gives me a brief overview each month when our bills come due, so I'll definitely pay attention next time. 5. This question excited me! I am looking forward to getting back into the office setting and working - a little more adult time! Still being a kick butt mother. Reaching out to friends and keeping up social connections, going on girl getaways. I have definitely found a spontaneous side to me recently (sky diving, random road trips, etc.) and I want to continue that!
PEI, thanks for your thoughts. You definitely made a point with visiting and bedtime is not parenting, I've gotten frustrated with that a few times. H sees it as he sees D just as much as he would if he were living here, what takes him away is work. I obviously have my thoughts on that, but haven't voiced them. I did ask for some more help once and we agreed to each give ourselves one morning 'off' on the weekends. So usually Saturdays if he is in town, he will come over bright and early so that he is here when D wakes up and then I can sleep in and be off the hook. That sporadic Saturday morning is lovely!
Your not single yet and may not be. Think positive.
If your H brings up R talk....listen and I mean really listen.
So outside of the jealousy that you have mentioned in your post what else has your H complained about? I guess my question is what else did you did that may have contributed to the breakup? What else do you need to work on?
Once again - good luck with the jay-o-bee search.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So outside of the jealousy that you have mentioned in your post what else has your H complained about? I guess my question is what else did you did that may have contributed to the breakup? What else do you need to work on?
I completely lost me as me. I defined myself as H's wife, or D's mom and that was that. I was almost operating like a robot, I would ask my H who to vote for, if my church made a statement of beliefs I would blindly agree without really analyzing it from my own perspective. I would sit around and wait to see what H was going to do before making plans. I would expect him to read my mind about why I was mad, or what I wanted both emotionally and physically.
So it must be a pretty interesting time for you. You now have the GIFT of determining WHO you REALLY want to be - outside of any R. Your M, your motherhood, your religous beliefs...outside of everything.
Yeah you may have a lot to work on - we all do. Take your time. One day at a time, one step at a time....IMO and based on my own sitch...you will look back at this time and NOT regret it.
In closing I will leave you with this....
The future is yours to make Fear is a feeling and feelings change Nothing is impossible when the going get's tough the tough get going Everything happens for a reason God does listen...we just need to learn to listen to HIM Time is on YOUR side Live everyday as if it was your last Sometimes doing nothing is doing a lot No weapon formed against you shall prosper Love conquers all You can do this and ANYTHING that YOU set your mind too You define who YOU are Your insecurties do not have to be hidden - just be YOU Remove any masks that you wear and live life as the person you really are Life....is....good
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Been busy for awhile, trying to keep my mind off of our anniversary last Friday. It was a little bit of a sad day for me. H called out of nowhere and really for no reason - it really jarred me a little bit, but I was able to maintain my DB attitude during the call. He asked about my plans for that evening (my friends were taking me out for a night on the town) and I couldn't help but wonder what was behind that question.
Today I find myself a bit sad too. As I had mentioned before, I wanted to talk to him about a more structured visitation between him and D. One that would actually give me a legitimate break from time to time. I explained that it isn't that I can't stand to be around them or resent D at all, I just need some real time off every now and then. At first, he seemed a little thrown off by it and surprised, but then I could tell he was thinking about it and how it would work. He revealed that he is only in his apt for another 3 weeks and doesn't know what he'll do after that. But then stepped up to the plate and said he'd get his own pack n play, high chair, etc. and make it work. The actual schedule will most likely vary from week to week due to his travel, but he mentioned that he could take her for full weekends!
It had been a long day and I wasn't looking forward to that conversation, so I went up to take a nap. Before falling asleep, I found myself a little sad, because I enjoy having him around at night and on the weekends. I just know that overall, the situation isn't fair to me as it is now. When I came down from my nap, he said 'I want you to know that you're a good Mom. You asking for a break every now and then doesn't change that.' It took a lot for me to maintain my composure after that statement - Mom's don't hear things like that enough! We then heated up respective leftovers and ate dinner together while D played before bedtime.
So, while I know this is the right move for me, knowing that this decision eliminates those gentle moments like tonight is a bit of a bummer. Just need to work through that and focus on me some more.
First things, first…….Happy Little Friday……remember Life is Good and it is Good to be Living Life (working on the bumper sticker, LOL)
Originally Posted By: lala09
H called out of nowhere and really for no reason …..
He asked about my plans for that evening ……
I couldn't help but wonder what was behind that question.
Of course he is going to call, it was your anniversary. He is experiencing his own feelings about all this, guilt, sadness, being unsure, sense of loss, etc. As much as your feelings are all over the map, so are his.
I know you are wondering, if you did not have plans would he have asked you to do something that night. Those kind of things need to be planned, he is a smart man, he travels if he really wanted to do something he would have asked you at least the day before. You did the right thing by having plans, Great GALing!!! You communicated 10X more with your actions than you ever could with your words. This is what your actions said “ I am moving forward (not moving on) with my life, I have people that care about me and want to be around me.”
Think about what you said to him when he asked what you were doing.
Did you keep the answers more brief or did you give him every detail? Give him enough to answer the question politely and in a friendly manner? Be upbeat about it (even though you are dying on the inside) act as if you are looking forward to it.
Some will disagree with me here but I am not a big proponent of making the WAS think you might be dating someone. That could backfire big time IMO, if you lead him to think that you are dating then BAM!!! You just alleviated his guilt about dating or if he is not seeing someone he may now consider it.
Originally Posted By: lala09
I found myself a little sad, because I enjoy having him around at night and on the weekends. I just know that overall, the situation isn't fair to me as it is now.
Ahhhh the fairness thing……..here comes the wood…….none of this is fair, life is not fair and guess what???????
A happy and healthy marriage is not fair either…..Yep that’s right folks, marriage is not fair.
Lala, got get this one removed from your head and anyone else reading this,
how about a Litte Fairness Frontal Lobotomy on Little Friday (here’s the acronym LFFLLF, michelle you can send me a check, LOL)
Look, this gets to the heart of everything real quick and it is called unconditional love.
(Grit, chime in here, you say it better than I)
You are here because you love your spouse and you want to save your M right? Great we all want this. But is this Love truly unconditional?
Can you love your spouse in words, action and deeds and remove your wants, desires and expectations from those things?
Or is your Love for your spouse more like this “ I will Love you, Forgive you, be Faithful to you as long as YOU do the same for ME because it is FAIR” ?????
Love does not equal Fair.
Lala, be careful in your communication to your H in that you do not express what you need or want b/c it is fair. I think it is okay to enjoy his company when he is around, after all that is the goal of DBing , to save the marriage. The other goal of DBing is to improve YOU, there is a balance to be struck here.
Others may disagree with me but I think it is okay and in fact preferred that he spend his time with your D in the house. You may be there sometimes and sometimes you will not be there, right??? I mean if everything was back to normal and you guys are together you do not need a break that includes being alone for a whole weekend in the house do you? Of course you might go for a weekend with the girls to the Lake like you did recently. You need a break from the responsibility of taking care of your D. The fact that your H has an apartment and gets more of a break than you do is not FAIR……too bad. (we covered that already)
IMO, he practically asked if he could come home in 3 weeks and you could potentially sabotage that because it is not FAIR…..remember what the goal is……bust the divorce. If he moves back in your work is not nearly done but would you not rather DB with him in the house rather than out of the house????
Originally Posted By: lala09
So, while I know this is the right move for me, knowing that this decision eliminates those gentle moments like tonight is a bit of a bummer. Just need to work through that and focus on me some more.
More of the same and I know I am beating the dead horse here. I don’t think this is the right move for you. If he is okay with caring for D in the house with you there then that is what is right for you. Right???? Now that means you got to get hold of yourself and not lose it like you have in the past, Right??? You can do it, you are understanding what works and what does not.
In short….your DECISION to work on YOU does not have to eliminate those gentle moments.
Lala, You and your H seem to be able to work together on issues around parenting, the finances, and you guys can sit together in your house together and enjoy a meal. So far there is not an OP, (granted we are suspicious of this woman he works with) in the past you guys have been intimate and there is no hate or spew coming from him. I do not personally think you have to tear this thing further apart in order for it to get better. Follow the steps in DR, it is sound advice….
Make small goals Work on yourself Find out what works and do more of it Keep expectations low Stop going down cheeseless tunnels And make sure you have plenty of Patience and understand this takes TIME.
Your doing great. Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
IMO, he practically asked if he could come home in 3 weeks and you could potentially sabotage that because it is not FAIR
Expectations, or mind reading, or something.
Be careful. This is how the up and down stuff gets started.
All we really know is that he won't have a place to stay in about 3 weeks. Hell, we don't even really know THAT for sure either. It isn't something you need to worry about at the moment anyway.
Stay strong and even keeled. Continue to be kind and respectful but at the same time keep your guard up.
