Somehow I missed this. So sorry ... Have not meant to ignore! This is the slam-bammin-est time at work for me, so too many hours and too much wine leaves me not paying attention as I should.
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How long have you been in counselling? How old are you both? And, was there a specific event that finally made you pick up the phone and book an appt with a MC? What was it? What happened?
We briefly saw a counselor much earlier in our marriage -- I truly can't even remember when. Maybe the 7-8 year mark? Short-lived and unproductive; barely a blip on the radar. About two years ago I was at a point where I felt that counseling was our last chance; the "big guns", so to speak, that needed to be pulled out after a particularly painful incident between us.
H was willing to go, and we went for about four months before calling it quits. He approached it very much like watching The Biggest Loser religiously each week with a bowl of ice cream then wondering why you haven't lost 50 lbs. by the end of the season. He would go to the appointments, but nothing from within would get discussed or translate to our life outside those weekly one-hour sessions. Which, in turn, would make me more frustrated and edgy, which wasn't helping anything.
Since Thanksgiving he has threatened twice to leave me. After the second time I insisted we go back to counseling. If he was vocalizing that (from a man who vocalizes nothing), then I hoped he would see the value this time. Even our counselor points out that he is much more engaged in the process this time around.
Which, ironically, means he's opening up more, as am I, and what she originally viewed as some surface communication issues that could be dealt with are now clearly much, much deeper issues with us both that may or may not be resolvable.
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I worry here, about your counselor saying something like that to you. Although a MC has to acknowledge that ultimately, the decision of whether your marriage will continue, will be yours, they also should make it clear that what you're working towards is to keep your marriage intact.
What she said doesn't bother me. It also shouldn't be taken to indicate that she doesn't take this seriously. I much prefer an honest acknowledgment of the difficulties we face than a "rah-rah" or "staying together is the only acceptable result" approach. I'm very comfortable with her and have never had the sense that her goal is anything but to see us in a strong, satisfying marriage long term.
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In some ways going to the IC on my own, was helpful because the challenges I faced in initiating and asking for change, were significantly different than the one's he was/is facing in the process. So, going alone allowed me to get the individualized support and guidance I needed. Perhaps you might try one or two sessions on your own?
Actually, we end up going separately more than together. lol After our first meeting we each had two sessions to discuss our viewpoints and family of origin, then we met again together. She is adamant that if one of us goes alone then the other go alone, as well, before we go together again, to avoid a perception that she might be "closer" to the one who's there more or is taking sides. But since returning this time our we generally go separately in between every joint appointment and sometimes more, depending on how things have gone/what issues have come up when we were together.
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Keep your mind open to the fact that you and your H may indeed be able to become friends again, reconnect, and create a better relationship than you even had in the beginning.
Unfortunately, we do not have a strong base to refer back to. He is 51 and I am 43. We were together less than a year before we married and we are about to reach our 20th anniversary. I was fairly young and he was fairly set in his ways and it's been a struggle from the start; we were never a strong couple. His particular needs/quirks/weaknesses simply don't mesh with mine. Which is one of the things that I'm actually realizing now, mostly in terms of understanding myself and what I need and accepting that it simply may not be possible for my husband to meet those needs. Doesn't make him a bad person, just a bad match for me and I for him. He just seems more willing to continue to settle than I am. Which I find sad, as well.
What I struggle with is the idea of how much of his core self can I reasonable expect him to change to accommodate my core self? Am I willing to spend another twenty years with someone I don't have a connection with as either a friend, or a confidant, or a lover? It's a nice enough life, but it is a very, very lonely one. I am willing to work -- and work hard -- on both myself and my marriage, but truthfully, most of the work right now is finding a way to tolerate while I go about the work of just figuring out me. Fortunately, I've got at least four more years. ;-)
Tell me about you.
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I know when I first start asking for change, my H was extremely adverse; it would cause a lot of conflict - he'd question, blame, dismiss my requests, outright contradict that I was so unhappy I thinking of leaving. But I kept asking though, kept talking - my IC said that's the only way they're going to know how important it is to you.
