Still trying to find my way

[soleil]

^ Sleepy time is great! Chamomile tea does tend to make me a lil sleepy. Benadryl always does the charm, too.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

and Sleepy Time Extra

there's an Sleepy Time Extra out there???

Who would buy 6 minute abs when 5 minute abs is being sold right next to it???
name the movie.

[Mystik]

I think the sleep issues are a combination of depression, anti-d pills and a very mobile sleeper kicking me in the face during the night. I do need to work on getting DS out of my bed, that kid wakes me up at least once a night with all his moving and flailing around. Once that happens I think the other sleep issues will resolve themselves. I'll have to look for the Sleepy Time teas, too. What do they taste like? I like my tea to be sweet.

As for the food and exercise... That's a work in progress. I have a gym membership and a kitchen full of Pampered Chef products, does that count? Or do I need to actually use them? I don't like to cook anymore, I have no one to cook for. DS is so darn picky he'll only eat 4-5 different things. So it's easier for me to make him what he wants and if I'm hungry do up a bag of Lipton noodles or something. Too much work to dirty all those dishes that I'll have to wash for just me. I do need to get back to the gym, this big butt of mine has to come off somehow.

[Mystik]

H called me at twenty to 8 this morning, tried both my cell and my house phone. I ignored him, was feeling a bit too unsettled after the dream I had.

I dreamt that H and I were visiting BIL that lives quite a distance away. He was asking us how it was going for us, being back together. H answered it was fine, but we did have that issue about the baby with another woman. I teared up and turned away, BIL saw and asked H if we had worked through it yet. H said somewhat, but that it still hurt me, that a lot of what he did had hurt me. Then it was just me and H and somehow I knew we were trying to get pregnant. H put his hand between my legs and pulled it out bloody, then told me he wished I could just get pregnant already so I didn't do this anymore. (By "do this" he meant get my period.) But he didn't say it in a way that was blaming me, he said it in a sad way like he too was disappointed that month it hadn't happened.

So yeah, a rather unsettling dream of what I hope so much to have happen.

[Mystik]

Not much to tell about tonight's exchange. H was there early, he was friendly, I was polite. He was going to write me a check to pay off some of what he owes me but couldn't find his checkbook so he said next time we meet up I have to remind him to do it someplace with an ATM. Right, let me get on that.

The hard part is that used to be my job. Reminding him to pay the daycare, reminding him he needed to go to the ATM. I wish it was still my job, that he was still with me.

[Mystik]

Todays exchange was not so good. H was an hour late, he called from his house phone while I was driving, I ignored it and let it go to voice mail. When I got to the exchange place I deleted the number off my phone, listened to the message then called his cell phone. He answered, said he was having trouble finding his cell phone that's why he called from the other phone and he was surprised I didn't call him back on that one. I didn't say anything, he continued that they were running about an hour late. So I wandered the mall for a bit then sat and read in my car until they arrived.

H came to the car first, asked how I was doing. I replied "Fine." He said that he hadn't heard back from me on that e-mail he sent so how was I really doing, was it getting any better or easier for me. I simply replied, "No" and he said "I"m sorry", then DS reached the car. H hugged DS, borrowed my pen and wrote me a check for about a third of what he owes me. Turns out he got new checks, which have his address with whore on it, he also told me to make sure it clears sooner rather than later.

DS and I left, I silently cried the whole drive home, pleading with God to please bring H back to me. When I got home I tore the check up, making sure the part with his address was in teeny tiny pieces. I do not want to know where he lives with his whore, so will tell him from now on I prefer cash.

[Mystik]

This is our Tuesday/Thursday visitation week, then nothing until next Wednesday. Really hoping that H doesn't come up with some excuse to change nights or see DS between Thursday night and Wednesday afternoon. I want him to really understand the impact of his decision on his time with DS.

[pinhead]

((((hugs))))

[Mystik]

H just called, asked if DS was here when I answered. I should have let it go to voice mail. Why I thought he might want to talk to me, I don't know.

ETA: He called to remind DS that Adventure Time was coming on. Really?

[Mystik]

Had a dream last night, H was in part of it, but only briefly. I don't remember the exact details but in my dream I talked to H and he was saying something that implied he wanted to work things out. Then oddly, while the rest of the dream had nothing to do with him, I had the weak legs again.

E-mailed H this morning at work to let him know of my vacation plans with DS. He responded that he hoped we have fun and put in a smilie face. I didn't answer. It hurts when he tries to be friendly because all I can see is the man I love choosing to not be with us, to not be part of our family any more.