My wife and I have been on a few 'dates' since the discovery of infidelity and subsequent separation, and, although she has still not returned home, things have improved slightly.
But I know she is continuing to lie to me about at least one thing. It is a pretty big thing, and this one continuing lie makes it very difficult to believe anything else she says:
On D-Day, I asked her if she used protection. She said yes.
I know the person she had the A with very well: he was once a close friend of mine. He is a womanizer, and was in to statutory rape back when we were in our twenties. He had a little book that he recorded all of his conquests in. He would brag to anyone who would listen that he never used protection. He always swore he hated condoms, and had turned down women who had insisted he use one.
My wife was involved with him when she was young. They didn't use protection then.
I told my wife that I knew she was lying. She would never be able to get him to do something he
A few days later, I asked her again. Did you use protection? Yes! I told you already!
A week ago, when things had improved between us, I asked her again, telling her that I knew she was lying. Did you use protection? She said yes.
Please understand, in one of the emails that I found in my intel gathering, my wife desperately informed him that she had found some reddish bumps on her private parts, and that she was worried she might have herpes. "I haven't slept with anyone else, and I know you don't have herpes, so how could I get herpes?"
His response: "I am sorry about your pain."
This is a woman I sat in the hospital with through her miscarriage. This is a woman I cook and clean for, and work hard for, and buy beautiful things for.
How can I get past this obvious lie? How can I ever trust the person I trusted the most again, if she continues to lie to me about something so fundamental?
How can I get past this obvious lie? How can I ever trust the person I trusted the most again, if she continues to lie to me about something so fundamental?
You can't -- and you shouldn't. This is your HEALTH you're talking about here!
You should accept nothing short of 100% no-contact from her, full transparency, a full-panel STD test (with a copy of the results shown to YOU), and good MC/FT with a therapist trained in infidelity.
YOU need to decide what YOUR boundaries are, Pasodoble. Because the truth is, that -- over time -- we really do teach people how to treat us, and you've "taught" your wife that this is acceptable behavior. YOU need to begin to dramatically change the marital dynamic.
You may want to start with this:
Why are you cooking and cleaning, and buying beautiful things for a woman who is cheating on you??
Thanks puppy, you are right - I am being manipulated. The thing is, I know I can do better, but she has spent the last six months tearing me down for every little thing, making me feel like garbage to make herself feel better. She has a huge support group - I have no one. Our MC of two years is pretty useless where I am concerned. She is counseling space, so my wife has left home. Very convenient for her! I have a sticky on my Mac that says: DO NOT CONTACT! NO EMAIL! NO PHONE! I am trying this out, and finding it very difficult. Not only is she my wife, but she has been my best friend for ten years. I have been to the doctor to get tested. She insists that she has been tested (haven't seen any documents, but I am not going to ask her for them because I am not going to contact her). NO CONTACT seems to be the only way to put back some balance into a situation where she has a firm upper hand.
Yep- she doesn't know if the other man has herpes. People with herpes can go years without flare-ups.
My sitch has only been going on for a few weeks (since D-Day), and I only started NC 4 days ago, but I find that I'm feeling SO much better now than when I was in the pleading, crying, calling, grovelling stage. If you feel the urge to contact her, come here and post about it instead.
Me-29 H- 28 Together for 6.5 years 2 kids, ages 9 and 5 D-Day: July 15, 2010.
