Don't beat yourself up on "what ifs". It's in the past, and you can only learn from it. Yes, it was wrong to be mean and threatening to your W, but now you can go forward acting differently. You should've been detaching ... now is the best time to do so. Don't talk to her about anything. Mirror her. You have to know that the moment she had the A and decided the M was over, you had very little chance of staying married. All the decisions about that was made before you even knew it. She has had months to prepare herself, hence the cold emotionless attitude. I doubt she is feeling cold inside, but she's had more practice.
Be prepared to explain the porno ... that it was as a result of your W's inability to have s*x with you, her A, that it was out of sight and out of hearing of the children, etc. When did this happen? I am glad you are keeping track of everything she does and says. You can bet she is, and will twist it to suit her. Forget Poland, this is D-Day and you have one heck of a battle up the beaches, but ultimately you will win.
Deal with this as a business negotiation, as the other posters have said. There must be some way your lawyer can get you more time to find a place to live, and for your W to have less time to get a full-time job. I am glad you got more money for the holiday ... the kids will need these memories.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I thought I was detaching. I wasn't around a lot and when I was I didn't talk to her. I guess she thought that meant I was angry. The only time I was mean at all was when we were talking about money and the day we told the kids we were getting D. That night was not good. You are right, her mind has been made-up for a long time, which is why she didn't try at all after the blow-up. She was just in planning mode. In the meantime, my emotions were playing havoc with me.
The porn stuff happened late at night after everyone else was in bed. Primarily after W said she didn't want to "get lucky", or unlucky, as the case may be, and went to bed herself. I thought it was ok to "take care of it" myself. Guess not.
I know things are going to get better and the place that I can afford actually don't look too bad in the pictures! One is even on a small lake so I can easily take the kids fishing and swimming! That would be pretty cool. My friend who went through this and reconnected with his wife also lives very there. His S was in my S's school class last year too.
When we do the mediation thing, I will offer to pay her the child support and alimony $ as if she was working full-time. The law allows for these payments to be based on potential earnings. Maybe I would agree to a short stint or part-time, but if she won't take that deal, we will probably end-up in court and leave it to the Judge. Hopefully he is more reasonable than the commissioner.
I feel much better than I did this morning. Thanks everyone!
I am so glad you're feeling better. Once one starts planning, then it starts to feel that one is going to make it. The lake place sounds cool. I would definitely look into that.
So, it wasn't like you had an addiction issue with porn. What the hell! How can they possibly use that? Ugh, but these lawyers can twist things, so your lawyer better be able to come up with counter explanations. In fact, the truth sounds pretty good to me.
Your plans for mediation are reasonable and I hope that it doesn't have to come before a judge, but if it must be, then so be it.
Good luck.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Glad you're feeling a little better. Was worried about you.
Use the pills to keep your sanity and let you rest at night (you need it), but don't let them take so much of the edge off that you stop TCB. You have a fight ahead of you. Stay sharp and focused.
We'll always have your back when you need to purge the relief valves.
Cheers.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
Feelings change all the time. They follow your thoughts. Change your thoughts and your feelings will change.
Simple example, close your eyes, think back to a very pleasant experience you have had, visualize it if you can. How does that make you feel? Then imagine something even more pleasant, could be imaginary... Now how do you feel?
When I am stressed, I can lay down, close my eyes, imagine someone holding me and immediately get completely relaxed. My mind does not know the difference between real and imaginary. the only thing that changed was what I was thinking.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Going to bed soon. Spent some time with my DB work friend tonight and looked at the house on the lake. Probably too small, but I got a line on a bigger place that a different guy at work owns. Going to check it out on Fri or Sat before vaca. He is willing to do month to month for me. I am feeling pretty good tonight. No way that W can afford this place. Will NEVER be able to refi and get my name off the mortgage and we can't have that. They may have won round 1 due to our retreat, but I am putting my finance hat back on and figuring out ALL of the financials this time, rather than just my own.
gonna kick ass on that beotch!
Thank to everyone!!!!
Sorry I haven't been on other threads. Trying to catch-up at work and find a place to live.
