Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

It is so hard to know exactly what to do. H is really being loving and you don't want to nag him, but you don't want him to be with her and you. It is something only you can decide. It sounds like this could be an issue all the time with your R because H wants to befriend the ladies too much.

It is a really hard decision. Keep doing what you feel is best, but it is important that you stay consistant. You can't tell him no contact, but then do it. You also can't hang out with him, but keep asking about OW3 either. You need to go one way or the other and stick with it so H knows what to expect and you can see if going dark or being his cheer leader is working.

[Lucky11too]

That’s exactly it. That’s what I struggle with. I don’t want to be naïve, but it seems like more of an issue with boundaries than a full out affair. It’s definitely inappropriate when you’re married (or even just in a serious relationship if he doesn’t want to classified us as “married” right now) to have that kind of R with another of the opposite sex. While they text all the time (or at least used to since I can’t check anymore), I don’t even know if it goes beyond that. I know a lot about his schedule – he works nights Sat thru Tues and Monday and Friday days. He spends the weekends with me and often is around Weds or Thurs for his nights off (or was doing those things until I cut him off) and then comes down to see S once or twice during the week during the day. So at the most, he would only be able to spend one or two nights a week with her or super short day times. Plus since he still wants to be intimate with me and seemingly only me, that’s a good sign against a PA. So I just don’t know what to think. It’s obviously not something I’m ok with or can live with if he wants to reconcile, but do I let it go for now? I feel like I’m getting to a point in the next month or two where I need to say that something needs to happen – either we need to go to MC or we need to move on with our lives and D. If we can get to MC, I think that would be a perfect place to discuss boundaries and appropriate R’s with OW’s. A lot should be coming to head in the next few months – H’s lease is up at the end of October, he’s most like getting this new bar (so he “can make his own money”), and with the sleep study and other possible methods of help, there’s definitely a lot of decisions to be made. Honestly, do you think I’m just being super naïve here?

But you’re exactly right – the biggest thing I need to do here is consistency. I am sending a very mixed message and losing my credibility…but the only problem is, I don’t know which road is the right road right now… Obviously the cheerleader stance is working and keeps drawing H to me, but if OW3 is still in the pic, does that even matter? Going dark didn’t really seem to have an effect on H (besides making him block the phone records from me), but maybe I just didn’t give it enough time. Grr. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I could just give him a blanket statement without having to get into it and nagging him saying “I assume since you’re here and hanging out with me that OW3 is not longer in the picture. If that is not the case, please leave”. Or something like that where I’m not accusing him (“you’re still talking to OW3!”), or nagging at him, but instead gives him the opportunity to be honest with me. Obviously he could lie and I can’t check, but it would buy me some time to get keep drawing him to me and get thru some of these mile stones without having to “give in” to OW3. H would think he was playing me but really, I would be playing him.

Arrrggg. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so close yet so far from any chance of resolution with H… =/

[awest1217]

I am right with you, but only you can make the decision as to what is best for you. You may be a little naive, but H is still drawing closer and closer to you. OW3 could him really not understanding boundaries (like my H having a R with OW, but still telling me he loves me too. I always wondered what OW would think if she knew what he was still doing and saying to me). H may not understand the rules of M still apply even though you are separated or in his mind they don't matter since you are separated. If he is always flirty by nature to get his way with women, it is just something he has to learn and I agree you need to stop saying it to him, but MC would be a great place.

Really soul search and do what you feel is best. Remember if you figure it is the "wrong" decision then you can switch and stick to it. The key is sticking to it so just stick with whatever you choose and if it feels wrong after a month (unless something huge happens) then switch.

[Lucky11too]

I'm having an angry day. Nothing specifically bad happened, but I'm just frustrated and angry about the sitch H is putting me in. I thought and thought yesterday about what I wanted to do with this sitch - cheerleader to get him accross the finish line or go dark - but I still just don't know what is best.

He wasn't there last night when I went to pick up S (kind of to my relief b/c I didn't know what stance I wanted to take yet). He called me later that night and we ended up talking for 20 mins. First he talked to S and S told him all about the Disney's Cars movie we were watching. Then H and me were talking about the new place and all the dumb things his uncles were already doing (i/e. His uncles were being all friendly to the servers at the new bar & H was telling them that they were idiots b/c it's not their job to become friends with them, it's there job to be their boss and make them work so that they can make the place (& them) money! Extremely valid point, buy given H's past with OW1 and OW2, it sounded funny. Maybe he's learned his leason about co-workers, but obviously not about OW's in general). Also, he talked about his sleep study. He got it scheduled for the 18th but then got in a fight with them b/c they won't get him a sleep aid (like the other place did) & says it would be a waste of time (I can see his point b/c they hook you up to all these machines and it does tend to be a little hard to sleep without a little help). So, I don't know what's going to happen with that now, but hopefully he still goes. At the end of our conversation, H got another call and had to hang up, so I was a little mad at myself for not being the one to end the call first.

I had forgotten to ask him about something on that afidavit form I had filled out for the new place & called back an hour later, but H did not pick up or bother to call back. Not sure what's up with that, but i think that's part of the reason I'm angry today. It gets my mind going in all directions and basically it comes down to the fact that I don't trust him one bit. I just don't get it all. He is more lovey and attentive to me now then he has ever been in the last 3 years - why??? I don't get it. I guess the question is, which I don't know the answer to, is can I actually change the sitch for the better by drawing him to me and will that in fact draw him away from OW3. The other thing too is that this new place is the big break H has been hoping for, for himself & for us (well, when we were an us). I want to and I almost feel like I need to be involved here for this pivotal point, so I think that is what is hendering my decision to go dark. Hmm, maybe I can do a going dark ultimatum about him going to therapy for himself again, since he "is not at a point where he can make a decision about us yet".

So for tonight, I made plans for me and S to go out to dinner with an old girlfriend. Her H is out of town so she texted me last night, but in addition to wanting to see her, it will be a great "I'm busy" excuse from H (assuming he is around - remember he had said he wanted to give me a backrub either Wed or Thurs & since it didn't happen yesterday, that makes tonight more plausible). For a lot of reasons, I need to get back to GALing and not be so available to H (this point really sunk in on Tues night when H's own mother told me I was too available to him. Ouch!)

So no real epiphanies yet, so I'm just trying to buy time for now...

[Lucky11too]

That was interesting...H just tried to make plans with me IN ADVANCE for once. He asked me to dinner tonight. I played it vague at first and just said that I couldn't, but said maybe we could meet up tomorrow then. His 1st response back "what are you doing tonight?" and then said how Friday's are hard to get down here in time for dinner b/c of the traffic. I told him I was having dinner w/ my friend tonight & said I understood about the traffic and we could either wait til whatever time he gets down or meet up somewhere 1/2 way (see, nice of me to compromise =P). He responds(sounds kind of like sulking but it's hard to tell via text of course) "I guess dinner will just have to wait til next Thursday. Try to keep it open". haha. It makes me smirk a little. I joked back that I would "pencil him in" but no other response from him. Still sulking I suppose. =P I do like spending time with him and am slightly sad I will miss out this week, but given the way things are going, I'm glad that I'm not available tonight. I don't know what it all means tho, but I'm glad he made the effort anyways...

[Lucky11too]

So to add to this story, last night, to my surprise, H was there when I went to pick up S. He was kind of giving me the cold shoulder when I arrived and said something to the effect of "I can't believe you made plans on my only night off". I said something about him having Weds off too but then it kind of just dropped. Really, I could have said alot more thinking back now. Does he honestly expect me to wait around just IN CASE he wants to hang out with me? He's living in a dream world then! How many of his nights off has he chosen NOT to hang out with me - MOST OF THEM! I could have said most of this to him, but I didn't think about it all until afterwards. When I left, H was still all grouchy and didn't even try to hug or kiss me good bye. It's annoying that he was getting all upset with me but I'm glad too that he got a chance to see that I'm living my own life and that my world does not revolve around only him. So I still don't know what that all means for us & if this pushed us closer or further apart, but I'm glad it maybe popped his bubble a little. In exchange though, I had a great dinner with my girl friend. S was really well behaved and we had a great time eating pizza and catching up. Definitely a good break from life! =)

This weekend should be busy. Tomorrow is my dad's b-day so we're going to go out to dinner tomorrow night and then I'm going to start prepping the walls in S's room so I can paint next weekend. I'm really excited about how it's going to turn out and I think S will love it too! =)

My long term goal is to start saving enough for a down payment on a house/condo, so that in approx 3 years, S and I can move out to our own place. Awest - since you're in a similar sitch where you were saving money and H wad spent everything, did your L say anything about H being about to come after your savings? Technically, I suppose they are still entitled to 50% of it, correct? This is my only concern about saving. I don't want to work hard saving while H is spending every dime on going out, tattoos, etc, and then D and have him be able to take 1/2 of it. So just curious what your experience was so far on this.

[awest1217]

Good for you to go out and have H get upset. It is about time you think about yourself and not him because he doesn't think about you all the time.

Also glad you are going to paint S's room. It will be fun and it will help you to begin your life.

About the money, the way my L talked is that since we were separated for so long she would have a good arguments to not split any of the savings. The only problem you will have is if you have a retirement account he will be entitled to half of that, but really that is it. There is nothing else you really have that is joint so it should not be a problem, but if you are thinking about starting to save a bunch, I would consider possibly legally separating if you are worried, but if H keeps to his word, he should have a decision by the end of the year and you probably won't have too much saved by then so save anyway.

Enjoy the weekend!

[Lucky11too]

Been a super busy weekend. S's room is taking a lot longer than planned b/c S has been very clingy to me this weekend and doesn't want anyone else. I got the walls all prepped yesterday, then today I painted the ceiling and the letters for his name that go on the wall. Next weekend I'll paint the walls. I'm very excited for it. I've never really done a room for S yet, b/c when I was pregnant, obviously I couldn't paint and H was no help at all & then still after he was born, between the lack of time & really not knowing where I would be, it just never happened.

Things have been interesting with H. On Friday, he texted to ask about S and was still pouting about Thursday night. Saturday morning, he texted to ask what my plans were for the day & I let him know that I was going to be home and working on S's room (1st mention of it to him). He must have fallin back asleep b/c he didn't respond until several hours later, with an "oh good!" (don't know if it set in that doing S's room means I'm moving on with my life...without him) and then asked when I wanted to see him. Interesting. I was somewhat non-chalent and just said that why doesn't he come over sunday (today) and watch S for me so I can paint the ceiling (put it back to S, not us). I never heard from him all day, so my parents tried to keep S entertained for me. Finally, right before naptime, he calls and says that he just woke up and was surprised I didn't call or text him to wake him up to come over. He acknowledged that S was just about to go down for a nap but asked if he should still come over to see me. This is where I did something very hard for me. I said "no" b/c I had errands to run. It feels so counterintuitive, but I will be ok without him and he needs to see a life without me too, which will be the reality if things don't change soon. I could tell he was kind of taken back by my response but he just asked what errands I had to run, then we talked briefly about the new place, and then hung up.

Basically, I'm pleasant but distant. It felt a little weird but it also felt empowering. My only fear is that since he doesn't like to be alone, if he's filling my void with OW again. So who knows. I think a lot about if this will work or not to change things around. I took the biggest stand of my life 2 years ago when I moved out, but that obviously did not do any good and instead completely backfired. If I'm honest to myself, I left b/c I needed help, but also hoped it would knock some sense into H. But times and people have changed since then and I think I've become a person H likes again. H too has come a long way from that depression hole he was stuck in. So, I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but I'm anxious too about getting some closure - one way or another. It's hard too not knowing if anything has changed with OW3. Since my stand against her, has H learned anything? Probably not, but on the otherhand, I don't think he would mention it to me anyways, b/c by saying he got rid of her would be admitting to fault in the first place, meaning I was right. That's why I don't know if his wanting to be with me now (like inviting for dinner on thurs, wanting to see me, etc) is an act to keep control of me while b/c he sees me slipping away despite having OW3, or is an act to win me back b/c he needs someone to replace the void from OW3. I'll probably never know, but I'm just thinking out loud here.

Ok, time to go relax a bit. Pretty sore from all the work this weekend!

[awest1217]

Get some rest! Believe me, S's room took a lot longer than I thought, but it was worth it. I also didn't do much for his room as a nursery. It was already a nice pale yellow wallpaper which was good for a baby so no problem there. I mostly decorated.

Be glad S doesn't want to help. That is what drove me crazy, but I let go of my control and let S help, and now he has a great memory of painting his room and putting up the stars.

With H, it is so hard with him to know what is best to do. Keep doing what feels right. He may decide to be with OW3 more and if he does, that is his choice. Then again he may keep asking you to hang out more and that is a good thing. It is good to not be available all the time, but I would say for now (unless you know OW3 is still around and don't want to be a part of that which I support completely) go out with him once in a while. Kind of like throwing him a bone. It is awesome that you told him no today because with doing S's room, you don't need to play hostess to H. You need to take time for you so that is good for you. I also think it is good that you already had errands to run so it wasn't like you were blowing him off. He missed the time by sleeping and you already had plans. All not your fault. It is his for sleeping.

Hope you don't get sore because I did. Have a great week!

[Lucky11too]

Busy busy week! We had a new girl start at the office so I've been trying to train around my normal workload as well. Very hectic! A few new things with H, but I'll have to update with the full story later (hopefully tonight!)