It's never our problem to 'fix' them. I fell into this trap. It's our responsibility to draw boundaries and express what behavior is no acceptable to us. It all has to be centered on us rather than a blame on them. That's the point of boundaries.
Bingo #1 Thanks.
Originally Posted By: Steady
I kept my mouth shut because I learned from childhood you don't rock the boat. You basically wait until the problem goes away. Although it never goes away unless it's addressed - it's just shoved down under where it festers and continues to create more R problems.
Bingo #2 CD's M in 46 words
Originally Posted By: Steady
I do believe setting our healthy boundaries does keep their issues from doing the damage to us. If they don't address the issue you keep drawing the boundary. Eventually you may have to tell them you will leave if they don't fix the issue.
I never learned how to draw boundaries. I am learning now. I'm doing it with my W and with myself. The thing to note is this - I can draw boundaries with my W because I don't have a vested interest in having a R with her. The question becomes this - can you draw the boundaries when you're really into someone and have something to lose?
TimeHeals nails this one ^^^^^. It's about losing YOU rather than THEM. If you have to choose who to lose.......
Originally Posted By: Steady
The boundaries I draw with myself have to do with behaviors I have which are not acceptable to me. One of them is my tendency to 'hide' behaviors I think others will find 'wrong'. It's the toxic shame talked about in NMMNG. When I find myself trying to hide something I go 180 and expose it. The really crazy part is this - it's so prevalent that 99% of the things I hide are not behaviors that are inherently 'wrong' or criticisable. So the work I do is to pay attention to the thoughts that are related to such hiding myself and to allow myself to not hide it. I expose it and find I'm perfectly fine. If people have a problem with it I don't defend or rationalize. I look at their input, then I decide what is best for ME. Then stand my ground because I have made the decision. I have to let go of the fear the other person may not like me, or may leave me, or attack me. That's just being the 'nice guy' who needs that outside validation. I don't need anyone's validation. I'm learning how to self validate and it's unbelievably freeing!
'Getting Real' by Susan Campbell addresses this. It's all about being authentic and putting the real you out there for people to see.
Bingo #3 I never looked at seeting boundaries WITHIN ME! BRILLIANT! Thanks for this (I apparently need to RUSH SHIP the GETTING REAL book.
Originally Posted By: Steady
Reading doesn't make the changes. Reading gives you the knowledge. Direct application (work in action) is what makes the changes. Enough repetitions and it becomes the new habit.
Bingo #4 I know, I know. I haven't found the "safe person" they refer to. And some of the Exercises are herculean leaps. I may just sign on to their support forum. But, personally, I think I need to do these exercises face to face w/ someone. I need the added difficulty but RELEASE of face to face. How did you do them?
