How To Tell The Kids

[Steve McQueen]

Screw your W.

love it. I've been tossing around about a dozen names for the J22 I just bought and this is perfect. Thanks Goodman.

Now Daniel. This income split is not standard for the county you live in? The idea should be to maintain the pre-divorce standard of living for the children. It sounds correct. If you were in NY your attorney would haved turned and said "we did good."

Now, I'm not a lawyer but I have been fighting with my wife for the past 20 years...

and it could be argued that this alleged pornography concern, if there is sufficient proof to justify, is the outcome of years of sexual abandonment and emotional abuse from your wife, including an affair, that you had to suffer living through in order to maintain a sense of security and family for your children. The real issues here is your wifes morals and ability to provide a stable environment if she is unable to contain herself with men coming and going in her life while involved in a marriage.

BUT, we are interested in busting divorces no matter how crappy the situation not destorying civility and communication amongst parents of young children. IF you study your writings over the course of the past 2 months what 180's could you do with your communication skills and additude towards your wife and marriage?

[dday101798]

I feel like not talking to her and being tough is what ended-up getting me out of the house. W was prepared to live together until the end of the D proceedings until I started to play hardball with the money and stopped talking to her. Now I am f'd and have to find a new place to live.

Dan,

This is the nature of the game. I'm willing to bet everything that getting you out of the house has been the plan for a long time. That's how it rolls when things get this far along.

See, here's the flip-side in it all.

Just like when you came here, and it was discovered an affair was going on, what were you told? "Gather intel to be 100% of the affair", no?

So, remember when I told you about your wife's lawyer? Remember what I told you about the lawyer-client relationship? Let's face the facts, your wife doesn't have a real job. Consequently, she, having the affair, doesn't have significant income, a home, or a plan to compensate for losing either of them. Therefor, the moment she revealed the affair to her lawyer, the immediate response was to gather intel on YOU to paint you so horrid, that the affair is "irrelivant" in the proceedings and that she deserves these things from you.

Like I said man, (x)W's OM was there, each and every time. Both myself and my lawyer were nearly charged with contempt of court when he kept sticking his nose in our business and I said to my lawyer, "can we get him the f$%k out of here?" and my lawyer followed up to her lawyer the same question, and the baliff about threw us out until her lwayer said to OM, "get the F%&k out of here". As I said, her lawyer had FULL knowledge of who OM was, and the affair. And her lawyer apologized TO ME for what she had to do, but "it's her job".

You know, writing this, is nipping at some deep scars. It's a very nasty experience my friend, so long as you keep making it personal. You need to see past the legal tape in it, seriously. Believe me, I was 100% devasted when the temp order came across that I be DENIED ALL VISITATION (sighting eh-hum, "he's an alcoholic"). I am still VERY bitter about that to this day. (x)W proclaims still to this day taht she had no knowledge of that.

Get my point there?

NOW, about this moving out shitte. Ehhhh, maybe in the land of cheese they do things really effed up, but here, you have 30 days to RESPOND to that PETITION to have you move out of the house in "x" days. If that is indeed an "ORDER", there is something you aren't telling us. In order for that to be true, you must be an immediate THREAT to either the safety and well-being of your wife, or your children (or both). That's how it rolls here (hence, my little "no visitation order").

So what's up with that?

[dday101798]

oh and by the way,

The temp "no visitation" order petition was immediately struck down when we immediately countered that support would be ceased, sighting she had "supplemental income" since OM lived with her and them.

THAT is how you play hardball where an affair is concerned. Also, you can have a stiplutaion entered that NO-ONE of the opposite sex have over night stays where the children are (by either party), no future living arrangements without the consent of the other parent when you get a joint parenting agreement.

[DanF]

Driving in to work now and melting down. I can't stop obsessing. I don't feel like I can do this.

[soleil]

Keep your head up, Dan. You WILL get through this.

[A_goodman]

Dan,

You can do this. You are a hundred times stronger than you were in the beginning. You are headed to work where you are a stud.

Use the same skills and dilligence that have gotten you where you are professionally and apply them to this. You have been promoted all those times because you're a hard worker, are dedicated to detail and deal with people of different backgrounds well. I know the emotions are not going to go away, but you have shown the ability to TCB under pressure and stress. Now is the time to think of this as a business deal that needs to be saved. You're used to having employees and holding them accountable. Apply that to the L situation. You're used to doing the necessary research to make stuff happen at work. Use those skills to attack the uncertainty of this situation. I'm sure you have to enter difficult negotiations at work all the time. Rely on those skills to become the driver of the negotiation here and get the concessions you require.

Believe it or not, you have the stronger position here. Because she has no passion and doesn't really care about what it is she's fighting for. Yes she might have a crack attorney, but all that guy cares about is money. You are the ONLY person fighting for what's best for your kids. You are smarter than she is. You are better and more experienced professionally. those skills will help you. Take the reigns like you are the project manager in this deal and drive it where you want it.

Yesterday, she got the first shot by you and rocked you back a little. Don't stay on defense. Muster all your considerable resources and suppliment wherever you need to (L), then go on offense. You CAN do this. You know you can.

Follow up on the appeal or revision process. If it's possible to change it start the paperwork today and hound them until it gets done. Then start preparing to face W and her L in the mediation. Be so prepared that you can predict and outflank every thing they throw at you. Yes, as I understand mediation, you both have to agree. She is weak. Use the structure and rules they set forth to your advantage. Negotiate like you do at work. You'll run rings around them, but only if you approach it like work and dial in.

Dan. I mean this. You CAN do it. You don't have a choice.

Also, you're probably tired from not sleping well and this is a lot of stress piled on top of the normal stress that you've been going through. Force yourself to rest. Tonight. Then keep doing the things that make you happy. Don't start hitting the bottle. A couple while your relaxing is one thing. Hitting it hard because that's what you really feel like doing is going to work against you. Especially if you do anything even marginally stupid.

You're in training. Rest, excercize and stay healthy. Being physically primed will aid you in the job at hand.

I love ya man. Go kick this thing in the a$$!

[robx]

...In the meantime, while I am paying W to live here, I will have to find a crappy apartment to live in.

Why is this?
Why are you being forced out of your home?

[pinhead]

Dan, you've been an inspiration to me since I came to this site in June. Hang on!

[LSG]

DanF,

You can do this, and you have to do this. It will be okay for you. Sure it is difficult, but you have come so far. Do not let your temporary setback at court define the final outcome.

I believe in you, and so do many other people here.

Keep fighting for you and your kids.

Take care of yourself!

[DanF]

...In the meantime, while I am paying W to live here, I will have to find a crappy apartment to live in.

Why is this?
Why are you being forced out of your home?

Because my attorney advised me to accept the terms of W's attorney's proposal. I had 5 mintutes to look at the proposal and make a decision. I took her advice. I should have had her try the case instead.

Due to the allegations that I had viewed pronography on the home computer and we were in front of an "old fashioned" court commissioner, my attorney thought it would be wise to agree to the terms and move to arbitration and then a final court date in front of the real Judge, whom she thinks will have a different opinion of these allegations. She told me that she saw this court commissioner order supervised visits only for a Mother who was recorded yelling at her kids and using the f-word. She thought I might be denied visitation or only have supervised visits. As it stands, I have Wednesday nights and every other weekend.

I am worried now that the temporary order will have a larger impact on the final decision, but we can try to work it out between us in mediation. W seems to be accepting that the kids will be split 50/50, but I am concerned about her monetary demands since she only works part time and it might be a while before the court would order her back to work full-time.

If I can pay her support based on her working full-time, I can swing the house, but she won't be able to either way, I don't think. If we have to sell it, neither one of us will have anything.

I just wish this didn't have to happen. It feels like I am dying.