WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

Here you are. I was waiting for you on the other thread.

i don't direct others to my main thread because i don't want anybody to hijack my thread, and too much advice from too many different sources doesn't really help me.

i'm at the stage where i'm actually doing work on me. so i am making progress with the help of the vets who have been with me since day 1.

my thread is like my progress journal. i don't like to draw too much attention to it.

thanks.

[steady]

i understand that other vets have chimed in and are adamant that dropping the rope is the key. but they haven't read my sitch thoroughly.

D, I don't need to read your sitch thoroughly. I don't need to read anyone's sitch's through to know exactly what's going on. A lot of the people (some 'old timers' here - just look at some of their post counts...lol) who are on your thread don't need to read it either - to know where you are. There is a common thread that runs through all of them and that's what the 'vet' can see. I got 'drop the rope' advice from day 1. Go look at my initial thread. MikeFromTennesse (He was the first vet to jump into my thread - I owe him more than anyone can imagine) told me it hundreds of times. He told it to all the guys who I befriended here. You'll see it in every thread on this board. I heard it from dozens more - Coach, Wifey, Kenny, Distressed67, ndsmhelp, Puppy, and so, so many more.

My First Thread

You'll see the word 'detach' in about the 7th post. You'll see it all over all my threads.

While you're at it, go read here...and read down the page to where I continue it. It's what I knew at the time about detaching. I knew it (knowledge) but I didn't 'have' it.

My take on detaching

I know where you are. If you keep up the work I can tell you where you are heading (you, not your sitch0. Anyone who has been here and down the road can tell you. Remember, I walked the same path. All of our specifics are different, but there is that common thread that's the undercurrent of every sitch here.

"dropping the rope" is great advice for those who are still interacting with their h's for maximum impact. but me? you guys know there is little to no contact. so what is "dropping the rope" going to do? as far as he's concerned, i have and we are two strangers now.

In my opinion Dropping the Rope is the single most important action anyone who walks into this room can do. It's what you and everyone else is striving for - whether you/they know it or not. It is your way out - it is your salvation - it is your peace - it is your strength - it's the pivot point where amazing things begin - it is LIFE itself. Again, this is only my opinion. If I had been able to detach and drop the rope from day 1 my sitch would look totally different. It's what I pray for each person whose thread I post on can get.

I didn't 'get it' until I finally dropped the rope. When it dropped, I knew it. It just happens to us. (Not without work) I think it's a lot like finding someone who you will fall in love with. When you look the hardest it eludes us, then one day, out of nowhere it appears. Bam. Just like that. I put dropping the rope right in there with Grace. That's Life's work.

the GAL work that i'm doing is now second nature to me. i'm not faking it anymore. so when i am happy, it's not a fake smile. it's real. i love the changes in me and i have my self-confidence back.

I am with all the others here. I have seen changes in you. I can see them. We can tell when it's there and when it's only in the fake it till you make it mode.

People who have walked the walk can see the reality through all the dust and smoke surrounding the people who walk in here. We can see it because it is us...just appearing in a different body.

at the beginning of this, i kept saying how devastated i'd be if i found out that there was someone else. how do i feel now? i say go ahead. if he thinks he found someone better than me, then i wish him the best. finding someone takes time. you have to click with that person. once the honeymoon phase is over, the real work begins. if neither of them is committed to doing the work, then he will end up in the same situation .. going through one relationship after another. breakup after breakup. and the best part? i won't be a part of that vicious cycle. so no skin off my back.

One thing to say it, another thing to actually know it or see it. I have had a few things happen recently that indicates my W is with someone. Quick sting, some sadness/jealousy...in and out like a flash in the pan. Then I move on. I could have never have done that before dropping the rope.

i don't think i made changes to who i am over the last 30 days. i think i let the real me out. they weren't changes. i had the opportunity to let the real me out. i wanted to be a better squash player, i wanted to learn how to bake from scratch, and i wanted to take my career further. this is who i was - pre-marriage. i didn't have a bf. it was just me.

This is how it's supposed to be. Clear the debris, the pain, the fog, the self-issues...the only thing that can be there is the real us. We are perfectly imperfect.

i think he is missing out big time. i think i bring a lot to the table. for him not to see it, is his loss.

All the WAS miss out big time. They don't realize the massive changes that occur when people come here and DO THE WORK. The question becomes - can we hold it? Or will we be back here again with a different person? My plan is to continue to come here. It's like going to AA meetings. It keeps it fresh and green. How the hell could I fall asleep in another R if I'm regularly coming here? I'm hoping I won't. But it does happen.

being me, put a smile on my face. i feel alive again.
and people are drawn to me now. i said that i am so used to bringing out the best in others - which is why people seek me out for mentoring. when i was down on my luck, others have come to help bring out the best in me. do you believe in karma? i do now.

I have believed in Karma for over 2 decades now. I see it everywhere. All the open loops eventually close. Life is the great equalizer. 'You reap what you sow'; 'Vengance is mine'. I don't believe in a God, but I believe in Life - that's what I call that 'thing' everything comes from and will return.

You are doing well--please believe Forrest and Coach and me when we say this. You can do this!! You are no where NEAR ready to "drop the rope". Heck, you have barely tried to hold onto it, it is not time to drop it!lol.

I completely agree with this.

thanks for the encouragement. i am going to keep working on me. and really think about what i will say, how i will say it, and prepare for any outcome.

Don't prepare for any outcome. That's impossible - there are an infinite amount of potential outcomes.

Be willing to accept any outcome - no matter what it looks like. Be ready to embrace all of it. Anything else is just fighting reality. It's insane to resist something that already is

Life is not 'was'. Life is not 'will be'.

Life IS

[steady]

I tried to edit my post above but time ran out. I wanted to tell you I did read through your whole sitch. I posted to you on a different thread before I read through your main threads. I think most people who have been around her a long time do - it helps in order to get the 'particulars' which are different for every person.

I also just read your last post and I'll jump off here...lol. You have great vets on your thread. They have all helped guide me directly and indirectly.

[DumpedforMIL]

I also just read your last post and I'll jump off here...lol. You have great vets on your thread. They have all helped guide me directly and indirectly.

i didn't mean to kick anybody off my thread.
i just set the ground rules for my thread.

i do it to filter out posters who contribute for a week and then disappear. forrest, coach, and lauraoh have been around for the longest time and has stuck by me. they have seen the dr. jekyll and mr. hyde in me. they have heard me rant, come back down to earth, rant again, and finally do work. but they have still stuck by me. that kind of dedication matters to me.

too many opinions make it hard for me to focus on the task at
hand. this is what my ground rules are for.

[steady]

Oh no, I don't feel kicked off at all. I completely understand what you mean. I respect what you want.

The only thing I can say to it is that I had a lot of short term people come by my threads and drop gold nuggets.

I'll be around. You're in great hands.

[DumpedforMIL]

I know where you are. If you keep up the work I can tell you where you are heading (you, not your sitch0

and where am i headed?

I am with all the others here. I have seen changes in you. I can see them. We can tell when it's there and when it's only in the fake it till you make it mode.

i made the changes for me. i wanted to make myself the best option out there for anyone. you attract what you are so why not set the bar high? and i don't notice if others notice my changes. that's how i know i'm not making changes for anybody other than me. i'm not even doing it for forrest - and he issued the challenge!

Quick sting, some sadness/jealousy...in and out like a flash in the pan.

i still get a twinge of this. but less than before.
in the past, i'd be a complete crazy woman. now i realize i cannot control anybody but me. yes, i can vent but that's all it is. venting. i don't act on my feelings - and to me, that's most important.

They don't realize the massive changes that occur when people come here and DO THE WORK. The question becomes - can we hold it? Or will we be back here again with a different person?

i actually surprised myself when i said that i didn't make changes and that i only brought out the real me. because when you are you - the changes have a better chance of sticking. if i went out every night to the bars and just partied, that would never stick. i was never a party girl growing up. it is not my thing and this is not something i could ever learn to enjoy. that kind of GAL is not sustainable to me. it would be a 180 but i could never pull something like that off.

I have believed in Karma for over 2 decades now. I see it everywhere. All the open loops eventually close.

it's funny. so many have said to me "don't worry, karma is a b*tch. he'll get what's coming to him one day."
i don't even think about that. the karma that i'm talking about is the support that i have received from complete strangers. everyone from this board, to the people at work, to my squash friends. there's a fellow at work who brings me a bagel every morning because he said that i was too thin. in return, i bake blueberry muffins and give him one a day. showing gratitude is very important to me.

You are doing well--please believe Forrest and Coach and me when we say this. You can do this!! You are no where NEAR ready to "drop the rope". Heck, you have barely tried to hold onto it, it is not time to drop it!lol.

I completely agree with this.

what part do you agree with? you initially said that dropping the rope was key. but lauraoh is saying otherwise.

Don't prepare for any outcome. That's impossible - there are an infinite amount of potential outcomes.

will keep that in mind. i have a lot on my plate right now. a house to save and pay for, a separation agreement to negotiate, additional GAL activities to consider, keeping on top of my job, and taking time to take care of myself.

sigh .. but i'm having fun.

[This Sucks]

DumpedforMIL,

I've been reading your posts because we have something in common. I've been dumped for IL too. They are like an unpenatrable cult. I wish I could send you a PM but it seems like they disable them for more interaction on the forum. Oh well.

[LauraOh]

DRML you just need a bit of tweaking in the boundaries dept, a dash of kindness and compassion for your H, and a pinch of emotion peaking through, and you need the face time to make your H even aware that he is letting a fabulous "cupcake" out of his life.

Sorry for the recipe analogy.lol.

Just a bit of tweaking my dear, and you will be totally scrumptious!!

[DumpedforMIL]

DRML you just need a bit of tweaking in the boundaries dept, a dash of kindness and compassion for your H, and a pinch of emotion peaking through, and you need the face time to make your H even aware that he is letting a fabulous "cupcake" out of his life.

hey lauraoh.
you know, i think i've been "practising" for the longest time.
as soon as i get in my car, i basically start talking/rehearsing what i would say to my h if he was standing in front of me.
at the beginning, all i did was yell. and it was a lot like the early days on this board.
and last night, i sat in my apartment and i started talking calmly. there is still a part of me that tries to dig. because i think what if he found someone else who IS better than me? i know i said if he found someone who is better than me, i'd wish him the best but .. what if he actually did find someone who is better? then i calm myself down and carry on. notice no crazy posts? no stalking? i've come a long way.

the compassion is starting to set in. i just hope it's there when i get the chance to talk to him.

it's been almost a month since my l sent his l the note asking for all of his supporting documentation. the supporting documentation may or may not change the numbers in our separation agreement. my guess is it will so i want to make sure the numbers are pretty firm before i talk to him.

it gives me time to practise.

[Dudess]

there is still a part of me that tries to dig. because i think what if he found someone else who IS better than me? i know i said if he found someone who is better than me,

What are you feeling, underneath the anger, when you react with the desire to dig?


i've come a long way.

You sure have.


the compassion is starting to set in. i just hope it's there when i get the chance to talk to him.

You might want to google: stosny compassionpower.

Helpful stuff and a free webinar coming up.