New Game- Exposed

[steady]

True. And, even harder than breaking free from our own "patterns and tendencies" (I'd appreciate any reference/help material on this) is we have to be aware of our that our prospective partners will either exhibit their tendencies or 'slide' into them as they get comfortable and/or complacent in the new R with us. Then it may become our problem as well to assist them out of it.
Steady-do you believe our boundaries will help prevent us becoming victims to their unresolved issues?

That's the whole idea behind the 'honeymoon phase' of a R. All those tendencies are overlooked or don't show up in the beginning of the R. We tend to accept more in the beginning and later they become problems that effect us. Now both people have issues and the depth of the problem is directly related to how those issues collide.

It's never our problem to 'fix' them. I fell into this trap. It's our responsibility to draw boundaries and express what behavior is no acceptable to us. It all has to be centered on us rather than a blame on them. That's the point of boundaries. I kept my mouth shut because I learned from childhood you don't rock the boat. You basically wait until the problem goes away. Although it never goes away unless it's addressed - it's just shoved down under where it festers and continues to create more R problems.

In this context I do believe setting our healthy boundaries does keep their issues from doing the damage to us. If they don't address the issue you keep drawing the boundary. Eventually you may have to tell them you will leave if they don't fix the issue.

I never learned how to draw boundaries. I am learning now. I'm doing it with my W and with myself. The thing to note is this - I can draw boundaries with my W because I don't have a vested interest in having a R with her. The question becomes this - can you draw the boundaries when you're really into someone and have something to lose?

The boundaries I draw with myself have to do with behaviors I have which are not acceptable to me. One of them is my tendency to 'hide' behaviors I think others will find 'wrong'. It's the toxic shame talked about in NMMNG. When I find myself trying to hide something I go 180 and expose it. The really crazy part is this - it's so prevalent that 99% of the things I hide are not behaviors that are inherently 'wrong' or criticisable. But both my M and my W would criticize me on things that merited no such criticism. So the loop continued.

I'll give you an example. There were times I would transfer money from our joint account to my account. Then I would spend it on something I wanted. I didn't want the confrontation with my W so I would just purchase it without telling her. This is hiding. I wasn't man enough to just stand up and say, "I'm buying this" and face any criticism she might have, but still stand up and buy it regardless. I see it in so much of my behavior. It's actually sad.

So the work I do is to pay attention to the thoughts that are related to such hiding myself and to allow myself to not hide it. I expose it and find I'm perfectly fine. If people have a problem with it I don't defend or rationalize. I look at their input, then I decide what is best for ME. Then stand my ground because I have made the decision. I have to let go of the fear the other person may not like me, or may leave me, or attack me. That's just being the 'nice guy' who needs that outside validation. I don't need anyone's validation. I'm learning how to self validate and it's unbelievably freeing!

I have seen references to this in many books. 'Getting Real' by Susan Campbell addresses this. It's all about being authentic and putting the real you out there for people to see.

I'll take all the advice/books on this evolution, too. I'm not sure that there is enough "work" in 'NM Mr Nice Guy' to resolve it.

How would you know if you don't do the exercises? Reading doesn't make the changes. Reading gives you the knowledge. Direct application (work in action) is what makes the changes. Enough repetitions and it becomes the new habit.