My husband of 19 years asked me for a divorce on July 8. I really did not see this coming. We have three D together (24, 18, 16). Our 18 and 16 D have struggled for the last two years with addiction issues. My H and I have fought for them (together) and they have just recently started turning themselves around. We are both guilty of putting our marriage on the back burner while fighting for our kids. Several months ago he reconnected with a woman he dated in high school and began an EA. I heard all the lines - I'm not happy, I need to find myself, I don't feel the same about you anymore, I don't want to live this life anymore, etc. As we talked about this, he did tell me he thought the OW could make him happy. She has been divorced 3 times and has many issues. He moved out 1 1/2 weeks ago to an apartment. We both decided that for our kids sakes we need to be okay with each other. I do not want to give up and of course did all the wrong things - pleading, crying... Since he moved out we have gotten along quite well. He has been here several times and does seem to hang out like he doesn't want to leave. He has done some very nice things - mowing the lawn, fixing the lawnmower, taking my girls birthday shopping for me. We are going to a demolition derby tonight with the kids. I'm not sure if he's doing these things out of guilt or because he's confused. By the way, we had the type of marriage that other people were jealous of - no fighting, very close, etc... Any thoughts? I am desperate to save our marriage!
My H said the same things, but has vowed to not speak to OW and is in counseling. He continues to do things for my daughters and we are all going on family vacation next week together, which is going to be difficult, but I am also trying to save my marriage, and I've come to the conclusion the only way to do that is to let him go for now. I feel him pulling further and further away but there is nothing I can do about it except be the best person that I can be today, for myself, for the kids, and if he decides to stay that would be great, but so much has to change. It is so baffling how you can think you have a great thing, and then this happens. Hang in there! I have no advice, but it is so helpful to talk to people who are going through the same thing and getting through it. It does defy logic and it's very painful. All I know is that the crying and telling him how much I wanted the marriage was only making things worse and hurting me, so I can't do that anymore.
M: 49 H: 51 Together since 11/2006 Married 8/2008 D: 16, 15, 12 Step S: 10 Bomb drop: 6/20/10 H Very unhappy and confused but staying and doing the work for now.
Is your H still living in your home? I wish mine would agree to not see OW. I haven't asked him because I don't want to push him away. I am trying to be friendly and cool; getting together with friends. I'm going away this weekend with girlfriends while he stays home with the kids. I hope that will make him see that I am changing (for the last two years my focus was on the girls and I didn't have energy for anything else). For any of you who have been through this I would love some feedback. M: 44 H: 43 Together since 1986 Married 9/91 D: 24, 18, 16 Bomb drop: 7/8/10
You need to set some boundaries. No contact with OW while living in your house. Otherwise, no contact with you. Stand up for yourself with this cheater.
He hasn't said he wants to leave, he just says he isn't sure he wants to continue to do "this", meaning stay married to me. He is in counseling and his counselor said he could not contact the OW if he wanted to have any chance of doing the right thing. He seems to be working hard to get himself together, but he says that doesn't mean he'll feel any more like staying. We just bought a big house together and have joint custody of four kids, so neither one of us wants the big mess that will come with a divorce. We both were divorced from other spouses in 2006 and jumped in way too fast. It's a little late for us to figure that out, but we'll see what we can do. It is so hard changing and refocusing. Hang in there. I don't know how I would handle it if there was an OW totally in the picture for sure. She's there, but at least she's somewhere off to the side for now!
M: 49 H: 51 Together since 11/2006 Married 8/2008 D: 16, 15, 12 Step S: 10 Bomb drop: 6/20/10 H Very unhappy and confused but staying and doing the work for now.
Good advice I think Pinhead and fellow Father's Day bomb club member. That's a club I never had any desire to join, but it's good to know there are other members!
M: 49 H: 51 Together since 11/2006 Married 8/2008 D: 16, 15, 12 Step S: 10 Bomb drop: 6/20/10 H Very unhappy and confused but staying and doing the work for now.
