"Can anything that comes out of your mouth change the way she feels? NO (You have most likely tried this already)So what do you do? Everyone has told you already but I will repeat it. Pour yourself a huge glass of STFU, detach and go live your life i.e. GAL."
Eric, I have skin thicker than a rhino so I don't get offended easily. I do believe I am changing [for the better] daily, in the beginning of this mess out of necessity, and now by personal choice. My 10 year old son lives with me at home, and my wife and daughter live in an apartment a mile away. I want to be a better man and father for my kids, no doubt about it. I'd feel very self-serving to come here and list all the things I do daily to make myself better though.
Anyhow, in my individual experience with my wife, for the most part all the advice/stories I have read here have turned out to be pretty spot on in terms of identifying/understanding my wife's behaviors/cycles, what to do/not to do, etc... I know everyone here says detach, detach, detach, but I have two fundamental hangups with detachment that have me [nearly] fully convinced that I have to take a more direct/engaged approach with my wife.
One is related to this 'theme' of advice I see given here on how to go about loving ourselves better (i.e. getting a life, getting healthy, and so forth), along with reaching a point where we are able to love our spouse(s) in a truly self-less and compassionate manner. It's a very "Western"/Christian way of thinking, one which, from a cultural perspective, simply doesn't apply in a lot of ways with my wife.
Don't get me wrong, this is absolutely how I view the world and try to carry on in my daily life. Chinese culture is wayyyyyy different though, and cultural clashes are one of the major conflict points between me and my wife. The Chinese concept of "love" is very, very possessive and selfish in many ways, and most Chinese people that I've come in contact with have this really high 'sense of entitlement' mentality that can be really frustrating to deal with. Put that mentality in the context of my mixed cultural marriage, where my 'Western' assumptions about how the world is supposed to work clash with my wife's Chinese view of the world. On top of that, throw in a little MLC "crazy" culture, and an [censored] 12,000 miles away who speaks my wife's culture/language and not mine, and you perhaps can get a sense of why I may seem to have a tough time with detaching. Kerry, if I'm not mistaken you were married to a Thai woman correct? Maybe you provide a better perspective on where I'm coming from? Or, better yet, where I'm being stupid and a fool in 'my' way of thinking?
The second, HUGE hang-up I have with detachment is with a personal bounday I have in terms of DJ trying to work his way out here to the good ole' USA. My wife's been cycling through depression big time for the past week. A few days ago we had an argument over the phone and, at one point, she let slip this comment along the lines of, "Man, if 'he' makes it out here, I wonder what will happen..." I say 'let slip' because the comment was totally out of context with the rest of the conversation/argument. When I pressed on whether or not she was referring to DJ, it really pissed her off so I backed off and let it slide.
I didn't press any further on the matter, but her extreme reaction to my question told me I must have hit on something close to the truth in regards to DJ. Soooooo, here's the dilemma. (Did I spell that right? :o) My wife being “bat-chit” crazy and wanting to ‘get away from me’ or possibly divorce me is one thing. I am not giving on my marriage and family, but if my wife chooses to go down that path I cannot force her to stay. However, on the flip side, my gut tells me that DJ is completely taking advantage of my wife’s vulnerabilities and fears, and manipulating her emotions to keep her in LaLa land. He up and out of the blue divorced his own wife about six months ago, had the gall to e-mail pictures of his divorce papers to my wife as “proof” of his love for her, and in that particular e-mail had the gall to profess to her, “Freedom must pay a price! We will soon be together my love!”
It’s very, very sickening to say the least, to read and see that coming from someone who hasn’t had any meaningful, “real” interaction with my wife in 22+ years. I have a very real fear that DJ is manipulating my wife and pressing her to divorce me so that he can find a way to the US. All it would take is for her to go to China and marry him there so she could sponsor him as an immigrant to the USA. Again, maybe Kerry can provide some insight on where I’m coming from. DJ was stupid enough to up and out of the blue divorce his own wife. He’s going to look like an idiot if, no WHEN, he fails to convince my wife to do the same. Him potentially coming to the US is something I’m not prepared to accept on any level. I pray daily that my fears turn out to be unfounded and that it’s ME that’s the paranoid, bat-chit crazy person. But the evidence suggests another possible outcome – i.e. pictures of divorce papers, proclamations by DJ, wife’s recent comment. This is a reality I could never accept.
Alright, I’m done preaching, prancing, and rationalizing. Let me have it!
